Editor’s Note:  Brittany McComb, an “infidel” in the Las Vegas Foothills “school of humanist religion indoctrination,” last year drew national attention for mentioning Christ in her June 15^th valedictorian speech. With a representative of the ACLU, Allen Lichtenstein, standing watch to “protect” the audience, the microphone was turned off when McComb made references to God and her faith in Jesus Christ during her commencement speech. School officials and the ACLU had censored the speech prior to the commencement, but McComb mentioned Jesus anyway. A First Amendment lawsuit was filed against the school district for having violated Brittany's constitutional right to free speech and equal protection under the law. In light of "infidel" McComb’s defiance of the state-sanctioned humanist religion in public/government schools, the following address has been designed to prepare future valedictorians for proper, state-approved addresses that will not encounter similar difficulties.

We, the Class of 2007 approved for insertion into the socialist state for labor and/or further instruction, being equal in every way, shape and conformity, wish to address the assembled multitude gathered for the purpose of commemorating our completion of the required state program of instruction. As we go forth into our assigned stations, we take pause to recognize those most instrumental in our moral formation and in the lessons handed down to us.

It is our utmost honor to recognize the faculty and staff who have shown us the light of humanism. We are most grateful to the headmistress and all instructors.

We wish to thank Planned Parenthood and the American Civil Liberties Union for their assistance in our coordination these past several years. We thank the judicial system for giving us the complete sexual freedom we need. We thank the state for subsidizing it. We wish to recognize the Gay Straight Alliance for playing such a pivotal role in our personal transformations.

Now, we wish to share with the assembled multitude the lessons which have been ingrained in us.

It has been proven beyond doubt that the universe has been existing for four and a half billion years, ever since the Big Bang, and was not created by an intelligent designer. Global warming is an inevitable after-birth of that event.

Humans are part of nature and have emerged as a result of a continuous process. We are another of the animal species of the earth and we have no special place among them.

We have learned from the humanist manifesto that “man's religious culture and civilization, as clearly depicted by anthropology and history, are the product of a gradual development due to his interaction with his natural environment and with his social heritage. The individual born into a particular culture is largely molded by that culture.”

We recognize the complete realization of human personality to be the end of man's life and seek its development and fulfillment in the here and now. This is the explanation of the humanist's social passion.

We are dedicated to carry on the great work of human evolution.

We are dedicated to work tirelessly for social justice.

The great evils of the world are homophobia, racism, sexism, ageism and religious dogma. We oppose the concepts of “original sin” and “absolute truth.” All truth is relative.

As world citizens, we will work for a world government order, centered upon the

direction of the United Nations. We oppose nationalism and xenophobia.

We will achieve world peace in our time and we will work to reduce world population by 90 percent. We are the masters of our destiny.

We pledge to apply scientific understandings to purge the world of outdated and hateful religions. The doctrines of ancient religions have lost all relevance and have proven unable to solve the problems of human living in the 21^st century. Religious institutions and their ritualistic forms, ecclesiastical methods and communal activities will be reconstituted as rapidly as possible, in order for humans to function effectively in the modern world.

We appreciate complete sexual freedoms and multiple gender identities.

We understand the problems of over population and will seek universal worldwide reproductive rights, for the preservation of the environment. Through selective abortion, our generation will rid the world of congenital birth defects. We will advance human genetics and form a more perfect population.

We will complete the tolerance and diversity projects begun in the 20^th century.

Under our watch, the capitalist profit-motivated society which has shown itself to be inadequate will be eliminated. A socialized and cooperative economic order will be established to the end that the equitable distribution of the means of life be possible. The goal of humanism is a free and universal society in which people voluntarily and intelligently cooperate for the common good. We demand a shared life in a shared world.

Through our generation’s leadership, outdated forms of family will be set aside. Children under the tutelage of parent A, parent B and parents of any number and orientation will be fully indoctrinated without interference from homophobic persons. Women will be fully returned to the labor force, interchangeable with men, and government daycare will be fully institutionalized.

We aim to create a world of sustainable development and one which affirms those born gay, lesbian, transgendered and mutli-gendered.

Having been enlightened in Grades 1-13, we will take our instruction into the world and impart it upon those following in our footsteps.

We urge the United Nations to develop a new constitution for the world, assuring social justice and equality for all.

Lastly and leastly: thank you to our parents and guardians for bringing us to the state coordination center for the past 13 years. Thank you for not interfering with our preparation here. We have been fortunate to be given direction by our instructors in matters of sexual freedom, sexual orientation and reproductive rights. We are all glad that we were not subject to the intolerance of private or home centers during these important years. We may be seeing you from time to time during our time as laborers and/or students at government universities.

For world peace, the Class of 2006.

 

Dennis Durband is publisher and editor of The Arizona Conservative, is also a freelance writer and webmaster and a longtime journalist.