Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) switched gears and suggested he might support some limited offshore drilling for oil if it is part of a comprehensive plan. Previously, he, along with the Democratic leadership in congress, had vociferously opposed such drilling.

Obama characterized his shift “a response to emerging realities.” “You see, Senator McCain’s haste in urging more drilling was dangerously premature,” Obama contended. “By waiting until the polls showed that the American people are willing to support such a policy I have demonstrated that I am better suited to represent the popular will.”

The Illinois senator emphasized that his support for more drilling would be “part of a balanced approach to resolving our energy crisis.” Other parts of Obama’s balanced approach include monthly tire-pressure checks, mandatory 5,000 mile tune-ups, and random thermostat inspections.

“It is important that every American do his or her part in combating this crisis,” Obama said. “I’m not asking much. Anyone can put air in their tires and take care of their car. If it’s too cold at home, put on a sweater. If it’s too hot, take off some clothes. This is not rocket science.”

Obama promised that once he is president “I will rely upon my Secretary of Energy to tell me when compliance with these mandates has reached acceptable levels. Then I will authorize a phased program of expanded drilling in locations that pose no risk of oil spills.”

Pelosi Acts to Save Planet

House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) struck what she called “a major blow to save the planet” by sending congressmen home for the month of August.

“If they had stayed, they might’ve done something stupid,” she warned. “Right now, they’re frightened and skittish over gasoline prices. They could easily have been seduced into voting for more oil drilling—thwarting our hope of weaning this country off its dependency on cheap and convenient mobility.”

Presumptive President-Elect, Senator Obama praised the speaker’s “timely and heroic action.” “Thank goodness Nancy recessed congress before it could be stampeded into ill-considered action,” Obama declared.

San Francisco to Inspect Residents’ Garbage

San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom (D), announced a plan to inspect city residents’ garbage. Reportedly, he was inspired, in part, by a study that appeared in the weekly journal Obesity.

“Projections show that by the year 2030, every American will be overweight,” Newsome explained. “We’ve got to do something. Since the City has custody of the people’s garbage, I thought, why not use this power for good?”

“You know, we can learn a lot from people’s garbage,” Newsome went on. “What they’re eating, reading, wearing—all can be deduced from what people throw away.”

Newsome downplayed contentions that this would be an unwarranted invasion of privacy. “Your neighbor’s bad habits have an effect on you,” Newsome said. “If they’re eating the wrong food, too much food, or are wasting food, that costs society. By identifying who is imposing these costs, we can begin to correct the behaviors that cause them.”

The Mayor suggested that “dieticians could be sent to counsel those exhibiting poor food-related skills. We could provide healthy menus and food preparation instructions. If necessary, residents showing signs of obesity could be signed up for aerobics lessons.”

“Physical health isn’t our only concern,” Newsome added. “We’ll be looking at mental health too. If there is evidence that someone has been reading racist, sexist, homophobic or other similar deranged literature, we can provide re-education services.”

Newsome congratulated himself for “an inspired and innovative approach to governance.” “We will go beyond what any other city has done,” he boasted. “San Francisco will be the most caring and nurturing city in America before we’re done.”

Pennsylvania to Get “Diversity Czar”

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) says he will appoint a “Chief Diversity Czar” for the state “to help people expand their circle of acquaintances beyond their own narrow ethnic group.”  

Phase 1 of the diversity program will focus on public places. Enforcement officers from the Diversity Bureau will conduct surprise audits of public places to ascertain whether the persons gathered at a location are “properly diverse.”

“We will give small gatherings of less than ten persons leeway,” said Diversity Czar nominee, Douglas A. Pryer. “But larger groups will have to come within any acceptable range of a racially balanced equilibrium. If they don’t, the group will be dispersed. If they refuse to disperse, they will be arrested.”

“Of course, we realize that the members of a dispersed group will likely go to their racially segregated homes, but at least their bigotry won’t be on public display,” Pryer conceded. “Maybe faced with having to sit at home alone they’ll learn to make friends with people of a different color or nationality.”

Obama Camp Says McCain Running Racist Campaign

An Obama spokesman asserted that “McCain is running a racist campaign.”

“Not once has Senator McCain referred to Senator Obama as ‘Black’ or ‘African-American,’” complained Harvey Sain, deputy media specialist for the Obama campaign. “While everyone else is celebrating Obama’s blackness, McCain continues to pointedly ignore this salient fact.”

“If it were left up to McCain, voters would be unaware that Senator Obama is not white,” Sain said. “What other motive could there be but racism?”

Sain predicted that “this smear tactic will backfire.” “Senator Obama got a big bounce in Europe,” Said claimed. “According to the polls he’s beating McCain by at least 30 points in France, Italy, Germany. The electoral votes of these states are all safely on the Obama side of the ledger.”

Apology for Slavery Renews Call for Reparations

Representative John Conyers (D-Mich.) hailed the House-passed apology for slavery and renewed his call for reparations. “Blacks suffered 250 years of slavery and 100+ years of Jim Crow,” Conyers said. “Now that guilt has been formally admitted, it’s time to talk about damages.”

Noting that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) recently estimated the value of a life at $6.9 million, Conyers proposed the creation of a fund based on an estimate of the total number of slaves held within United States borders from 1607 to 1865 multiplied by the EPA’s figure. The money would be disbursed to “the descendants of these abused peoples.” Questions over who qualifies as an entitled descendant would be adjudicated by a newly established “African-American Genealogy Administration.”

Conyers called his proposal “a down payment.” “We’ll get to compensating Black Americans for Jim Crow and lingering subconscious discrimination after we take this first step,” Conyers promised.

New “Blow Your Balls to Paradise” Pitch Wooing Suicide Bombers

In a bid to evade detection by security personnel’s reluctance to conduct “immodest” body searches for bombs, Islamic terrorists are resorting to stuffing explosives in their underwear. The deadly skivvies are loaded with glass splinters, metal ball bearings and bullets wrapped around a plastic explosive. Normal search procedures focus on the upper body—looking for bomb-laden vests, but sparing the indelicacy of probing a suspect’s “privates.”

The split second of agony as glass and metal fragment rip into the bomber’s scrotum is being sold to would-be martyrs as “the prelude to infinite ecstasy.”

“I am told that by breaking the genitals into innumerable pieces, the martyr can attain instant orgasm with all 72 virgins immediately upon entering Paradise,” recounted Iyamah Dumwan, a recruit undergoing training for an upcoming mission. “I am trembling in anticipation.”