John Semmens10

JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Historical Association Denounces Sports Use of Historically Linked Mascots

September 1, 2005

Benjamin Franklin Roosevelt, professor of history at the University of California and co-chair of the American Historical Association (AHA) wants school and professional sports teams to stop using historically-linked mascots for their teams.

“Use of mascot names like the University of South California ‘Trojans,’ the New York ‘Yankees’ or the New England ‘Patriots’ for something as trivial as an athletic team degrades their historic significance,” said Roosevelt. “The model name, of course, is the Oakland ‘Athletics.’ We at the AHA suggest that possible team names emphasizing sports or athletics would be ideal.”

Pressed for suggestions, Roosevelt offered “Sportsmen” as an example of a non-offensive name. This example was immediately attacked by NOW (National Organization for Women) as sexist. “Such a name implies that sports are of, by and for men only,” said NOW President Kim Gandy. “We think that ‘Sportspersons’ would be less demeaning to women.”

This latest objection to names of sporting mascots comes on the heels of complaints from AIM (American Indian Movement) against using Indian-linked mascots and from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) against using animal names.

New team names in the works include the Pittsburgh Pacifiers (hockey), the Washington Wonks (football), the Atlanta Athletes (baseball), and the Golden State Worriers (basketball).

Sheen Visits Sheehan

Martin Sheen, who portrays the president on NBC’s “The West Wing,” visited Cindy Sheehan’s anti-war protest outside President Bush’s ranch in Crawford Texas.

After speaking privately with Sheehan, Sheen, who called himself the “acting president of the United States,” announced that troops would be withdrawn from Iraq. “Ms. Sheehan has lost a child in this war,” said Sheen. “That’s too high a price to pay. As commander-in-chief, I’m ordering an immediate halt to all offensive action. The troops are coming home. Until we can figure out a way to fight a war where no one is killed, they’re staying home.”

Sheehan’s protest also picked up much needed support from David Duke’s neo-Nazi organization: The Stormfront White Nationalist Community. “Sheehan has brought out into public view the horrible injustice and irreparable harm done to our people by the Jewish supremacists,” said the organization’s hooded spokesman.

ACLU Files Class Action Suit on Behalf of Gitmo Prisoners

Citing a long chain of abuses ranging from inadequate ice cream toppings to unreasonable limits on TV watching at the Gitmo prison for jihadi terrorists, the American Civil Liberties Union filed a $600 billion lawsuit against the Bush Administration.

“These men are being denied the opportunity to fully practice their religious beliefs,” said Bertram Petty, ACLU spokesman. “As prisoners they cannot slay infidels or martyr themselves. Paradise and the pleasure of nubile virgins are out of reach. On top of this, their military guards refuse to respond to the simplest requests. This is pure torture.”

“I ask for hot fudge topping, but all I am offered is cold chocolate syrup,” complained Abba Atta. Atta is leading 150 detainees in a hunger strike. “We do not plan to stop until we either die or we get a wider selection of toppings,” said Atta.

“The signal from Air America is too weak to reach us,” said Bahdi Buju. “The troops are denying us our right to hear Al Franken denounce Bush’s warmongering.”

“We’re asking for $100 billion in actual damages and $500 billion in punitive damages,” said Petty. “We need to send a strong message that this sort of treatment cannot be tolerated.”

Zarqawi Preparing to Attack Europe

Iraq’s most wanted terrorist, Jordanian Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, is making preparations for a major attack in Europe according to Time magazine. In a message intercepted by European intelligence, Zarqawi is quoted saying “The U.S. Army has too much firepower. They have been slaughtering our fighters in Iraq. We need to attack softer targets.”

French terrorism expert Roland Jacquard expressed fear that the terrorists, attracted by the opportunity to dine in upscale Parisian cafes, would head directly for France.

“Everyone knows French cuisine is the finest in the world,” said Jacquard. “We are sitting ducks. Perhaps we can bribe Zarqawi to stay in Iraq or attack someone else—maybe the Germans, lord knows they deserve it.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Blames Bush for Hurricane

Robert Kennedy Jr., attorney for the Natural Resources Defense Council, blamed President’s Bush’s failure to sign the Kyoto Treaty for the damage done by Hurricane Katrina.

“The Kyoto Treaty clearly forbids hurricanes from coming ashore,” said Kennedy. “Without the protection of this vital document, the United States will continue to remain vulnerable to bad weather.”

Kennedy’s words were echoed by Juergen Trittin, Germany’s environment minister. “The increasing frequency of these storms can only be explained by America’s failure to sign the Kyoto Treaty,” said Trittin. “For this, I blame George Bush.”

Kennedy went on to demand immediate tax increases on all fuels, cessation of oil exploration, rationing of all energy supplies and the establishment of a Federal Climate Control Administration as the best way to prevent further cataclysmic storms from destroying civilization.

John Semmens' Semi-News Archives: