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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Planned Parenthood Reports Banner Year June 16, 2007
Planned Parenthood, the nation’s leading provider of abortions, announced that the organization performed a record 264,943 abortions, received record taxpayer funding of $305.3 million, netted a record profit of $55.8 million, and held assets totaling more than $839 million in their annual report for the last fiscal year. "During a year of great change and growth, and in a political climate of increasing assaults on promiscuous and irresponsible sexual behavior, Planned Parenthood continued to make enormous strides toward preventing unwanted births from ruining the lives of women and men worldwide," said Etta Young, spokesperson for the organization. Young acknowledged that, unlike previous years, the organization had no adoption referrals to report. “We’d like to offer a full spectrum of unwanted-pregnancy solutions,” Young said, “but there’s no return-on-investment for adoptions. Eating the cost of adoption placements would reduce the resources available for our more popular services.” In an effort to try to help illustrate her point, Young asserted that "Each year, more than 17 million women in the U.S. need publicly-funded abortions, and there is not enough money to meet that need. So, rather than squander our resources on lightly-demanded adoption services, we decided to conserve our funds so we can lobby for more government aid. Sure, we performed a quarter of a million abortions last year, but this is far short of the number needed if the problem of unwanted children is to be successfully overcome. Cost should not stand as a barrier for a woman wanting to rid herself of the burdens of parenthood." Pelosi and Reid Declare: “Troop Surge Has Failed” Despite remarks earlier this year implying that they would take a “wait-and-see” approach and revisit the issue in September, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) released a statement declaring that “the troop surge has failed.” “As we had feared, the escalation has failed to produce the desired results,” the joint statement read. “The increase in U.S. forces is not fostering political reconciliation. The unity of the insurgent groups has been shaken. Tribal leaders who had been cooperating with al-Qaeda have now turned on their erstwhile allies. The unsettling reality is that instances of violence amongst the contending Muslim factions remain high.” “In just the past week a group of local residents and Sunni insurgent groups banded together to eject al-Qaeda from a neighborhood,” the statement continued. “This is no way to treat these undocumented immigrants who are merely seeking better lives by doing the jobs Iraqis can’t or won’t do themselves. Reports that both Sunni and Shi’a leaders in Diyala Province, are beginning to work with the US military to eradicate al-Qaeda is a harbinger of a potentially deadly descent into genocide.” Separately, Senator Reid labeled Senator Joseph Lieberman’s (D-Conn.) perception that progress is being made “a mirage.” “It is our stated position that this war cannot and will not be won,” Reid insisted. “We will not be dissuaded from this position by the professed optimism of renegade senators or incompetent generals.” Reid is believed to have been referring to Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the outgoing chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Army Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq. “These jarheads do not understand the sensitive political issues surrounding this war,” Reid complained. “They’ve never had to battle for their political lives against a hostile media. They don’t comprehend the kind of risks that I and Speaker Pelosi have to face in our struggle to control this government.” TSA Flexes Its Muscles Monica Emmerson and her 19-month old son missed their flight to Nevada when they were hassled by Transportation Security Administration officials at Reagan National Airport on June 11th. The incident was initiated because there was water in her son's “sippy” cup. The sippy cup, the only vessel the woman’s son would drink from, was seized by TSA because it may have contained more than three ounces of liquid. A TSA security guard instructed Emmerson to drink the liquid in order to “prove she wasn’t trying to pull something.” Nervous and agitated, she spilled the water. The spill sent the TSA into full alert mode. Emmerson was forced to sop up the spilled water. Under threat of arrest, Emmerson was required to apologize for “disrespecting the authority of an officer of the United States Government.” TSA spokesman Jack Bute, denied rumors that the attractive mother had been detained because she was “hot.” “There is no evidence that Ms. Emmerson’s looks had anything to do with the actions of our officers at the scene,” Bute said. “Was she asked to disrobe? Were her orifices probed? I can assure you that the fact that the standard ‘hot babe’ procedures were not activated by the TSA crew on duty confirms that this was not the case.” Bute called the incident part of the TSA’s “random exemplification program.” “When would-be terrorists observe that we are not averse to bullying a mother with a screaming child they know we mean business,” Bute said. “No action is too extreme or unreasonable when the nation’s safety is at stake.” During the incident another passenger was inadvertently allowed past the security checkpoint carrying a seven-inch hunting knife. Man May Go to Prison for Taping Traffic Stop Eighteen-year old Brian Kelly of Carlisle, Pennsylvania is facing a felony charge and a possible 7-year prison sentence for videotaping police as they issued a traffic ticket to the driver of the pick-up truck in which he was a passenger. Kelly is charged under a Pennsylvania “privacy” law that bars the recording of anyone's oral conversation without that person’s consent. Carlisle Police Chief Stephen Margeson defended the officer’s actions. “We already videotape our officers,” Margeson said. “There’s no need for others to duplicate these efforts. Multiple tapes of the same incident could lead to different interpretations and cause confusion. It’s best if the Department controls the recording of arrests and other confrontations.” District Attorney David Freed brushed aside contentions that the intent of the law was to guard private citizens’ privacy. “The law says you can’t record anyone without his consent,” Freed pointed out. “We think that covers police officers. An officer’s ability to control a potentially volatile situation would be hampered if he had to worry that his words or actions might be monitored by unauthorized persons. We don’t need another ‘Rodney King’ type episode to undermine respect for law enforcement officers.” Freed said he may be willing to drop the felony recording charges if Kelly were to plead guilty to a charge of obstructing an officer in the performance of his duty. “I wasn’t obstructing anything,” Kelly said. “I was just recording what happened. I don’t see how I was invading the officer’s privacy. Presumably everything he would be saying is something he would be repeating in traffic court if the case went that far. If the police aren’t doing anything wrong they shouldn’t object to being taped on a public street.” Jesus Would’ve Been a Democrat, Dean Says Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean says “evangelical Christians ought to vote Democratic because Jesus would have.” While admitting that Jesus might have had problems with Democrats’ pro-choice stand on abortion, “I don’t think he would’ve been a one-issue voter,” Dean speculated. “His demographic profile—poor, unemployed, unmarried—looks like a Democrat.” "I haven't read a single word about Jesus criticizing gay marriage in the Bible," Dean said in an address at a Democratic fundraiser at a Reno, Nevada casino. “In fact, Jesus himself may have been gay. He spent most of his time hanging out with men. The women in his life were all ‘just friends.’ It’s a classic gay lifestyle.” "Then there are the fiscal issues,” Dean went on. “Jesus said of money ‘render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.’ This pretty clearly said that all the money belonged to the government. This is a core value of the Democratic Party today.” “Take foreign policy,” Dean continued. “Didn’t Jesus say ‘turn the other cheek?’ We Democrats have been trying to get George Bush to turn the other cheek for the last four years. Isn’t the Republican insistence on meeting violence with violence profoundly unchristian?” Dean closed by suggesting that there might be some “wiggle room” on the abortion issue. “In Jesus’ time we didn’t have the technology we have today,” Dean said. “If Jesus had known that stem cells could help provide relief for sufferers of Parkinson’s disease or that ultrasounds could detect birth defects, maybe he’d have seen the need for a more open mind on this issue.” In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) claimed that embryonic stem cell research is a "gift from God. That is why taxpayers must fund it. To do less would be the height of ingratitude.”
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