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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Hamas Retaliates Against Israeli Humanitarian Aid June 23, 2007
The Hamas terrorists now in charge of the Gaza strip have initiated new rocket attacks on Israel. The attacks are said to be in retaliation for humanitarian aid Israel has been providing to victims of Hamas’ post-victory murder spree. Mohol Aswad, a spokesman for Hamas said that Israel “has crossed the line.” Apparently, the line crossed has been by hospitals that have treated persons wounded by Hamas. “We haven’t crossed any line,” said Avi Moses, a nurse at the Sderot Hospital. “When injured people appear at our door, we help them.” Aswad wasn’t buying what he called a “Jewish pretense of humanitarianism.” “The people the Jews are treating are enemies of God,” Aswad asserted. “Every one of them that survives lengthens our fight to purify our nation. Jews are not humanitarians. They only do this to thwart God’s plan.” The most recent rocket attack missed a strategic target and slammed into a residential area injuring two persons. Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter blamed the civilian casualties on American policy. “The Bush Administration’s refusal to provide Hamas with better weapons is what is responsible for injuries to Israeli civilians,” Carter said. “If Hamas had more accurate missiles they would be able to more consistently hit military targets. This is another link in a long chain of incompetent and immoral decisions by President Bush.” CBS News anchor Katie Couric lauded Carter’s “courage in taking a potentially unpopular stand” on her blog. “You have to respect President Carter,” Couric wrote. “He’s always chosen the right course over the popular course. When our embassy in Iran was taken hostage did he panic? No. He remained calm. The whole world had sympathy for America during those dark days.” “Compare that with President Bush’s reaction to 9-11,” Couric went on. “This tragedy had the whole world crying for us. But unlike President Carter, Bush insisted on striking back. Now everybody hates America. Are a few unavenged casualties too much to pay for the sympathy of the world? I think not.” Edwards to Sue Iowa Democratic Party, Clinton Campaign Presidential candidate and former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) says he will file a lawsuit against the Cedar County Democrats and the Clinton campaign for what he says “may have been irreparable damage to his presidential prospects.” The $200 million suit stems from an incident that occurred during Edwards’ campaign swing through Iowa this month. Asked to point to the picture of her favorite presidential candidate, Emma Claire, Edwards’ nine-year old daughter, pointed to a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.). The whole thing was caught on videotape. “This is the dirtiest of campaign tricks,” Edwards complained. “It’s the typical Clinton ‘sleaze machine’ at work. It should be clear to the American voters that the Clintons will stop at nothing in their lust for power.” Edwards contends that the incident was a “set up.” “Somehow, Clinton’s operatives induced my daughter to pick Hillary over her own father,” Edwards said. “I don’t know whether it was drugs, hypnosis, or some sort of telepathic mind-control technique, but it’s just plain wrong to manipulate people into making bad choices.” Nora Goode, spokesperson for the Clinton campaign in Iowa, belittled Edwards’ complaint as “more whining from a champion of the art of whining. I mean, here’s a guy whose career as a tort lawyer was founded on manipulating juries with elaborate stunts and mind-games. Apparently, he can dish it out, but he can’t take it. Is this the kind of sniveling weasel we want as the nation’s next president?” California Law Enables Paternity Fraud A California Court of Appeals ruled that Taron Grant James who was forced to make child support payments based on a paternity judgment later proven fraudulent is not entitled to reimbursement. James was named as father on the birth certificate of a child born to Tami Burton in 1992—even though he couldn’t have been the father since he was deployed in the Gulf War during the time of conception. Ultimately, with the assistance of California authorities, Burton was able to bilk James out of $12,000, damage his credit rating, and put him through years of legal hassles. Writing for the court, Justice Paul Boland said that while the impact on James may have been harsh and unjust, the law has worked as intended. “The law is intended, first and foremost, to safeguard the child,” Boland explained. “The Legislature balanced the competing interests of the declared father and the child and concluded a right of reimbursement should not be allowed.” “Basically, California law says that any woman can name any man the father of her child,” Boland continued. “Until that man can conclusively prove he is not the father he will be required to make child-support payments. Even if it takes years to rectify the matter, as it did in this case, the man will not be reimbursed any of the money taken from him. To do so could harm the child, who is the most innocent of victims.” Airline’s New “Multicultural Ambience” Strategy Flops Continental Airlines is apologizing to its customers for sewage spilling down the aisle from a lavatory during trans-Atlantic Flight 71 from Amsterdam bound for Newark, N.J. on June 13. Continental spokesman Dave Messing explained that the plan was to “introduce passengers to the odors of New Jersey prior to their deplaning in Newark.” “We wanted to help passengers feel like they were in Jersey while en route,” said a chagrined Messing. “We thought it would help acclimate them to the state before they arrived. I guess we kind of overdid it.” "It was a horrible experience," said passenger Maya Colon. "I was forced to breathe the fumes of human excrement for over seven hours. By the time we reached America I was hoping that terrorists would hijack the plane and fly it into a building." Messing said the airline was sorry, "We deeply regret the serious inconvenience to our customers and are apologizing to them and offering compensation for the poor conditions on the flight. In our defense, let me point out that our flight attendants did offer nose plugs for a nominal fee of $5 a pair during the flight. It’s not like we were totally unprepared.” Passengers who can prove they were on the flight can file for a year’s supply of air-fresheners and a jumbo box of laundry detergent. In addition, all future flights aboard the aircraft, now dubbed the “flying stink bomb” by employees, will be discounted 25 percent. North Korea Cracks Down on Cell Phone Users The Communist government of North Korea has stepped up the number of public executions of cell phone users and those who circulate outside information in the country. Under that nation’s laws, citizens are prohibited from communicating with the outside world. “The peace and happiness of the Korean people must not be disturbed through the transmission of unauthorized information,” said Wee Fat, Minister of Happiness and Tranquility for the government. “All that we need to know will be told to us by our great leader, Kim Il Jong.” Wee defended the severity of the punishment saying it was “necessary to stamp out the insidious infiltration of alien ideas that could undermine confidence in the triumphant achievements of the government.” “These cell phones are the means by which American spies spread their propaganda,” said Wee. “Our people are demoralized by malicious tales of freedom and prosperity that supposedly exist in other countries. These spies would have us believe that in America people are free to speak their minds, that nearly every home has indoor plumbing, that it is common for families to own their own motor vehicles, and that it is uncommon for people to die of starvation. If such things were possible they would be happening here.” Cuba Taken off U.N. Human Rights Abuse Monitoring The U.N. Human Rights Council has agreed to stop monitoring human rights abuses in Cuba. Cuba’s Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque called the decision "a resounding, undisputed and historic victory" that "defeats the attempts of the United States to hold my nation to their out-dated bourgeois notions of freedom." Roque said that unlike many capitalistic nations, Cuba needs neither freedom nor prosperity. “We have equality and social solidarity,” Roque claimed. “The people of Cuba have no desire to criticize the government. They love Fidel and what he has done for them. Even the noteworthy American filmmaker Michael Moore grasps this.” UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, hailed the action as “long overdue.” “Cuba’s record on human rights is no worse than many of our member states,” Ban said. “Cuba may be a Hell hole, but it is not unique. We are tired of trying to keep an eye on them.”
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