Russian President Vladimir Putin said the history of the Soviet Union has had fewer black pages than the US. “Sure, we had purges, gulags, liquidation of the Kulaks, enforced starvation in the Ukraine, the pact with Hitler that started World War II, the Katyn Forest massacre, the attempt to assassinate the pope, the repression of Eastern Europe, suppression of freedom and impoverishment of the Russian people, the bankrolling of criminal lunatics like Mao, Pol Pot and Castro, and aid to terrorists, among other things” Putin admitted while pausing for breath. “But these offenses pale in comparison to those committed by America over this same time period.”

The list of worse offenses cited by Putin was headed by what he called “the American assault on good taste.” “The Americans have saturated the media with trash,” Putin complained. “The news cycle is polluted with repeated stories about morons like Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise. Theaters are infested with idiotic and pornographic films. Rap has dragged music to the depths of depravity. Communism may have taken millions of people’s lives, but American culture is taking billions of people’s souls. I ask you, which is the greater crime?”

New York Governor Says He Will Rule by Decree

Frustrated by a legislative session that ended with many key issues left hanging, Governor Eliot Spitzer (D-NY) says he will govern without lawmakers. “If these guys aren’t going to play ball with me they can stay home,” Spitzer said. “Tax collections are on ‘automatic pilot.’ The police will follow my orders. I can run this state without them.”

Spitzer said his staff has been doing some historical research and has found that prior to the last two hundred years, it was common for whole nations to be run by one chief executive officer. “There is precedent for the idea that one man can run a government,” Spitzer pointed out. “With the assistance of my loyal and dedicated staff, I see no reason why the state need continue to bear the expense of a do-nothing legislature.”

Spitzer reported that his staff was drafting an executive order patterned on “The Enabling Act” of Germany’s Weimar Constitution. This constitution gave the German Chancellor the power to pass laws by decree without the involvement of the legislature.

“Few people may know this, but that German law enabled the Chancellor to take the kinds of stern and impactful actions needed to help pull his country out of the Great Depression,” Spitzer observed. “New York is nowhere near as bad off as Germany was. So, I think I’ll be able to more easily fix what’s wrong with the state than that German fellow was in the 1930s.”

Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno (R-Brunswick) described Spitzer as "temperamental" and a “rich brat.” "He ought to understand that we're not a third-world country where he is a dictator," Bruno said.

Spitzer predicted that Bruno would be “singing a different tune once my new executive decree is in place.”

Iranian Ex-President Khatami Denounced for “Sex Scandal”

Former Iranian president Mohammad Khatami's hardline foes have expressed outrage over video footage circulating on the Internet which seems to show the former president shaking hands with several women on a recent trip to Italy.

According to Islam's Sharia law, it is forbidden for a man to have any physical contact with a woman to whom he is not related. Whether at home or on trips abroad, Iran's officials studiously avoid handshakes with females.

Khatami denied that he had shaken hands with any woman on his trip, asserting that the person in the video who appears to be wearing a dress was, in actuality, Pope Benedict XVI.

Current Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rejected Khatami’s explanation. “Whether it was the flesh of the infidel whores or the satanic infidel priest, Khatami has still defiled himself, Iran, and Islam,” Ahmadinejad charged. “We must cleanse this stain upon our nation and our faith.”

Ahmadinejad is said to be demanding that “the offending hand must be stricken from his body and the adulterous whores turned over to the Sharia Court for judgment.” “The blame is shared and so must the punishment be shared,” Ahmadinejad insisted. “The greater guilt belongs to those who have seduced a righteous Muslim man. But Khatami must also suffer for his weakness in the face of this fleshly temptation.”

Former President Carter Says U.S. Must Recognize Hamas Government

Former President Jimmy Carter says the United States and European Union should recognize the terrorist organization Hamas as the legitimate Palestinian government. “If we believe in democracy, we must be willing to live with the outcome of the democratic process,” Carter insisted. “Hamas won free and fair elections in 2006. The Palestinians have the right to the government of their choice—even if this results in a regime hostile to the Israeli lobby and their American dupes.”

Carter said that Hamas’ bomb and rocket attacks on Israel are “an internal matter.” “The issue of who will rule Palestine is not for us to decide,” Carter said. “Look, in the 1930s when the Germans elected Hitler did the United States and other European powers intervene to try to overturn the election results? No. All I’m saying is that we should exercise the same restraint here.”

While admitting that the restraint shown toward Hitler “didn’t turn out too well,” Carter was adamant that it was “a matter of principle.” “If we aren’t consistent as a matter of principle, we’ll look like we’re saying that it is okay for white Europeans to elect dictators, but wrong for Arabs to do the same,” Carter said. “That would be racist.”

There are limits to a policy of restraint, Carter agreed. “If Hamas were to launch a war of aggression outside its borders—say to attack Poland or France—then it would be proper for the United States to take the matter to the United Nations for resolution,” Carter explained. “That’s what I would do if I ran the U.S. government. I didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize for no good reason, you know.”

Bolstered by Carter’s words, Hamas reiterated its vow to “drive the Jews out or kill them if they refuse to leave.”

Florida Man Arrested For Pointing Finger at Off-Duty Cop

Ray Miller of Bradenton, Florida is facing assault charges for pointing his finger and yelling at an off-duty sheriff’s deputy. The charges stem from a confrontation over Muscovy Ducks.

Miller’s property has been infested with these feral ducks and piles of their feces. His efforts to shoo them have been ineffective. When he and his wife observed a woman feeding the ducks they asked her to stop only to be told "I’m a police officer, I can do what I want.”

The woman was Manatee County Sheriff's Deputy Kym Bennett. She and Miller argued for a few minutes about the ducks, and about whether Deputy Bennett was trespassing on the property since she didn't live in the condos there. Miller’s wife decided to call the Bradenton Police department to ask them what they could do about the situation. When police arrived Deputy Bennett said that Miller had disrespectfully pointed his finger at her and challenged her authority. The police then promptly arrested Mr. Miller.

Al Lynch, Public Relation’s Officer for the Manatee County Sheriff's Department, explained that “absolute respect for our officers is the foundation of our efforts to maintain law and order in the county. It doesn’t matter that Deputy Bennett was trespassing on private property and engaging in activities that Mr. Miller regarded as detrimental to his interests. When a law officer identifies herself it is the citizen’s duty to respect her commands.”

Lynch said that “the fact that Deputy Bennett was not in uniform and was engaging in activities that could not be described as official business does not give Mr. Miller license to disrespect her authority.”

“Just because a person says they are a police officer doesn’t prove that they are,” Miller said in response. “She had no uniform. She didn’t show me a badge. Even if she had, she still doesn’t have the right to enter my property without official cause. Feeding these pests is not part of official police duties.”

“If police have to show their badges in order to obtain obedience, chaos will engulf this county,” Lynch countered. “If someone tells you she is a law officer you better listen up. You better not interfere with her. Mr. Miller didn’t listen and tried to interfere. Now he’ll have to face the consequences.”

Al Qaeda Cigarette Ban Called “Intriguing” by Anti-Tobacco Group

Al Qaeda in Iraq has piqued the interest of some American anti-smoking lobbyists with its “no nonsense” approach to fighting against the filthy habit. Al Qaeda’s Sharia Court has decreed that smokers will be sanctioned by having the two “smoking fingers” amputated.  

The anti-smoking campaign is part of al Qaeda’s broader effort to uplift the morals of the Islamic faithful. Other measures include beatings for men who refuse to grow beards and those engaging in “loose” behavior, such as carrying tomatoes and cucumbers in the same bag.

Bessy Bodie, chairperson of the Foundation Against Tobacco Use (FATU), said her organization has gained respect for al Qaeda efforts to stamp out smoking. “Like everyone else, we had been brainwashed into thinking that al Qaeda was just a bunch of murderous fanatics,” Bodie said. “But this shows that they aren’t all bad. Who’s to say these harsh measures won’t end up saving more lives in the end? I certainly think it would be an effective way to persuade people not to smoke. Maybe we should keep an open mind about it.”