In an effort to test the ability of terrorist groups to obtain nuclear material, Congressional investigators set up a sting operation. A fake company named “Death to America, Inc.” and listing Al Kyda as its president was able to obtain a license from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) authorizing the firm to buy enough radioactive material to build a so-called "dirty bomb."

Apparently, nobody at the NRC checked whether the company was legitimate and an NRC official even helped “Mr. Kyda” fill out the application form. The NRC acknowledged that it “may have erred” in granting a license to the company, but has since tightened licensing procedures.

"We've fixed the problem," said NRC Commissioner Edward McGaffigan. McGaffigan said that in the future, applicants will be required to show a photo ID and sign an affidavit promising not to use the nuclear material for “inappropriate purposes.”

The American Civil Liberties Union called the NRC’s new security measures excessively restrictive and potentially discriminatory. “Who’s to say what uses might be appropriate?” ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty demanded to know. “Do we really want to allow some government bureaucrat to pick-and-choose who may obtain these substances?”

Petty also said that requiring a photo ID was “a first step onto the slippery slope of racial profiling.” “The NRC showed exemplary judgment in not making a knee-jerk assumption that a Mr. Al Kyda’s Middle Eastern sounding name should disqualify his company from obtaining a license,” Petty said. “Demanding that he show a photo ID invites government officials to make judgments based on physical appearance. This would be a step backward in our nation’s progress toward universal acceptance of persons of all backgrounds.”

North Korea Announces Ban on Karaoke Bars

North Korea announced it is closing down all the nation’s karaoke bars. Sing Low, Minister of the People's Happiness Ministry, explained that the action was “necessitated by the government’s obligation to protect the morale and mental health of the people of the People’s Republic of North Korea.”

Sing said many of the songs featured by “these emissaries of capitalist imperialism” directly attack the people’s sense of well-being. “Take the Rolling Stones’ favorite—‘Satisfaction,’” Sing said. “It’s not really about satisfaction. It’s about dissatisfaction. When our people sing or hear songs like this it encourages them to question whether they are happy. This is most distressing to our great leader Kim Jong il.”

Inasmuch as these karaoke bars and songs like “Satisfaction” have been in North Korea for years, the question about the crackdown is why now? Some suggest that one explanation is that life in the country is the worst it’s been since the Korean War.

Others speculate that Kim’s notion that he is the most talented musical performer in the country is being challenged by the amateur warblers who frequent karaoke establishments. It was just three months ago that North Korea’s Prime Minister, Pak Pong Ju, was fired for dozing off during a musical performance featuring Kim and a group of school children singing praises to Kim’s leadership with the songs “Love of Comrades” and “Always looking up to the Leader.”

In addition, Sing said his Ministry of the People's Happiness is conducting house-to-house searches for cell phones and CDs, that may serve as further “channels for the poisonous intrusion of capitalistic efforts to undermine the blissful happiness of the People’s Republic.”

Housing Vouchers to Allow Poor to Live in Middle Class Neighborhoods

Faced with the widely acknowledged social pathologies of public housing projects, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development is now providing “housing choice vouchers” for qualified applicants. Cynthia Bumble, Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Urban Relocation, defended the new approach, saying that “Public housing projects are unattractive places to live. They are dilapidated by vandalism and plagued with crime. A lot of your neighbors are scary. How can we justify sending anyone there to live?”

Under the voucher plan, those living in the worst neighborhoods will be first-in-line for subsidies enabling them to move to “better, middle class housing.”

Bumble discounted critics’ contention that the rules of the program give public housing tenants incentives to degrade their current housing. “Those living in the projects are the poorest of the poor,” Bumble asserted. “They’re a pretty unmotivated crowd. Few will understand the rules of the program. Fewer will have the energy to take coherent action even if they understand the rules.”

Bumble also rejected the objections of those living in the destination neighborhoods for the transplanted projects’ residents. “Just because a person has worked hard to afford her own home in a nice neighborhood doesn’t give her the right to deny these same benefits to those less fortunate,” Bumble said. “Even a person on welfare still wants the good things in life. The greed and prejudice of the so-called middle class shouldn’t stand as a barrier to those unable or unwilling to make the same life choices as the rest of us.”

While she conceded that there could be some “collateral damage” to the destination neighborhoods, the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary insisted that it would be a “small price to pay for bringing greater equity to the way we house our population.”

In related news, Americans for Tax Reform (ATR) released a report estimating that it takes 192 days of work each year by each taxpayer to pay his or her prorated share for government spending and the higher consumer prices caused by government regulations. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett derided ATR’s complaints as “mean spirited.“ “American taxpayers aren’t paying nearly enough to suit my tastes,” Buffett declared. “That’s why I think it is essential that Senator Clinton (D-N.Y.) be elected our next president.”

Carter Says U.S. Should Embrace Nepal Maoists

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter called on his country’s government to establish formal relations with Nepal’s Maoists. Carter conceded that these former rebels, who remain on the U.S. list of terrorist organizations, had slaughtered many innocent people in their struggle for power, but that it is “time for us to turn the other cheek.”

Carter called the Maoist leader, who goes by the single name Prachanda, “a really cool guy.” “You know that ‘Prachanda’ means ‘the fierce one,’” Carter gushed. “I met him in a Nepalese bathhouse. His sweat-moistened body was very impressive. He is very strong and has killed many of his enemies with his bare hands. America must make peace with strong foreign leaders. We must not give such people any cause to want to hurt us.”

Carter said that he chided Prachanda for his past “mischief” and received assurances that “only ‘capitalist exploiters’ need fear his righteous wrath.”

For his part, Prachanda said he was very delighted to have been able to talk with a former U.S. president. “President Carter is a man of great obsequity,” Prachanda said. “Many of our problems would be solved if more of America’s leaders were like him.”

Prachanda complained that the US designation of his group as a terrorist organization fails to take note of its good deeds. “We do not videotape and broadcast the beheading of our enemies like some do,” Prachanda pointed out. “We are discreet. We are sensitive to the feelings of aggrieved relatives. When time allows, those we have killed are thrown into holes or ditches and covered over with dirt or debris.”

Zimbabwe Businessmen Arrested for Refusing To Cut Prices 

Acting on the orders of Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe, police have been arresting business leaders in a nationwide crackdown on those suspected of violating the government's order to slash prices by 50 percent. The mandated price cuts ordered last month are a desperate attempt to try to conceal inflation that has spun out of control during Zimbabwe's latest economic crisis.

The country's economic crisis began with the uncompensated confiscation of thousands of farms owned by persons Mugabe has called “white devils.” The idea was to turn these farms over to blacks. Many of the recipients of these farms were corrupt cronies of Mugabe’s regime. Others were incapable of managing the property they received. As a result, the country's economy collapsed.

Officially, inflation has been reported at 4,500 percent over the last year. Independent financial experts, though, have estimated that real inflation has been closer to 9,000 percent. Businessmen argue that their prices must be permitted to keep up with the rising cost of materials, labor and inventory.

Mugabe has rejected this argument, labeling it “capitalist propaganda” and has vowed to enforce his price-cutting decree “even if it means that every business in Zimbabe goes bankrupt in the process.” “The needs of the people must take priority over the profiteering of the capitalist exploiters,” Mugabe said.

In a bid to prevent bankruptcies, the government has announced that the owners of failing companies will be executed.