Just a week after his big “Live Earth” extravaganza aimed at raising environmental consciousness, former Vice-President Al Gore treated guests at his daughter’s wedding to a meal of Chilean sea bass. This fish is considered one of the world's most threatened species. Sometimes referred to as Patagonian toothfish, the species is facing extinction due to illegal, unregulated and unreported fishing activities.

Gore defended his decision to serve the rare fish on the grounds that “a daughter’s wedding is a very special occasion. This once-in-a-lifetime event means the world to a girl. Any father would do his utmost to make the occasion as memorable as possible.”

As for the environmental impact on an endangered species, Gore said he is looking into purchasing “offsets.” Earlier this year, the former VP faced criticism over his lavish use of energy at his palatial home in Tennessee. At that time, Gore insisted that his “carbon footprint” was “essentially erased” by the offsets he had purchased from a company he owns that is engaged in trading environmental credits.

“If I invest money in a fish farm somewhere that ought to square things,” Gore suggested. “So, once again, you can see I have outsmarted the right wing zealots who constantly seek to thwart my mission to usher-in a new era of environmental responsibility.”

Al-Qaeda Broadcast Urges Americans to Support Democrat-Sponsored Troop Withdrawal Bill

A new video from al-Qaeda featured previously unseen footage of Osama bin Laden praising the group's "martyrs" and urging voters in American to contact their congressmen to ask them to support the Democrats’ troop withdrawal deadline.

“While our triumph is inevitable,” bin Laden asserted, “it could be accomplished sooner and with less pain to all concerned if this foolish resistance could be terminated.”

Bin Laden said he was encouraged by the recent remarks of Representative Keith Ellison (D-Minn.). “This Ellison is very perceptive,” bin Laden said. “He has pointed out the chilling parallels between Bush and Hitler. Hitler had a beloved dog. Bush also has a dog. Both Hitler and Bush served in the armed forces of their respective countries—priming themselves for their later military aggressions. Both were elected to office rather than being chosen by Allah to govern. Surely these uncanny similarities must frighten the American people.”

Bin Laden took exception to Ellison’s contention that Bush staged the 9/11 attacks. In a recent speech, the Minnesota congressman compared the 9/11 attacks to Germany’s Reichstag fire. The fire started by the Nazis was used to scare members of the Reichstag (Germany’s legislature) into granting Hitler dictatorial powers.

“Mr. Ellison is earnest, but ill-informed on this point,” bin Laden said. “Yes, Bush is a cruel and Godless dictator, but he lacks the intelligence and the courage to have achieved such an accomplishment. As we have stated before, the blow was a righteous strike by our Muslim martyrs.”

In related news, rumors that Palestine Liberation Organization leader Yasser Arafat died of AIDS in 2004 were vigorously denied by Arafat’s former valet, Mohad Buttramh. “There’s no way Yasser could’ve contracted AIDS,” Buttramh said. “He always insisted on only virgin boys under the age of 12. I always inspected them and brought them to him myself. These rumors are Zionist lies.”

Obama Criticizes Justice Roberts’ Umpire Analogy

Presidential candidate, Senator Barack Obama took issue with Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts’ characterization of a judge’s role as similar to that of an umpire at a baseball game.

“Justice Roberts said he saw himself just as an umpire,” Obama said. “But we need somebody who’s got the empathy to recognize that the rules may need to be different for some people. Should a batter with bad eyesight or slow reflexes get the same number of strikes as a more capable player? Should an obese runner have to run the same 90 feet between bases? Roberts’ attitude of indifference to differences would say yes. I say no.”

Obama said he sees the role of the courts as “an offset to the injustices divvied out by nature. Some people are born stupid, lazy, or reckless. Should a person with this misfortune be the sole victim of his actions? Or should society step in and apportion the costs more broadly? Normally, this reapportionment ought to be undertaken by the legislative branch. However, when the legislature lacks the will or ability we must look to the courts to balance the scales.”

In his “broader vision of what America should be,” Obama said that if elected president he would look to appoint judges who know what it’s like to be gay, poor or black. “All those who’ve been named to the court to-date by any administration have been drawn from the ranks of the elite,” Obama observed. “They are well-educated people of accomplishment. It’s time for the underclass to gain representation on this body.” To fulfill his vision, Obama pledged that his first Supreme Court nominee would be a gay, black homeless person.

Cuba Says U.S. Visa Sloth a “Crime Against Humanity”

Castro’s government has complained that the United States has fallen behind in the number of visas allotted for Cubans, suggesting this was a deliberate attempt by the Bush administration to cause for the Cuban nation. The U.S. failure was labeled ''grave and unjustifiable'' according to a statement published in the Communist Party’s Granma newspaper.

“The U.S. negligence condemns Cubans to continued lives of poverty and oppression on this island,” the statement read. “An inadequate number of visas distributed in a timely manner induces many to risk their lives in leaky boats in an attempt to reach America. This is a violation of their human right to migrate to America. We call upon the world community to censure the Bush regime for this crime against humanity.”

In related news, the Venezuelan government has determined that the Virgen de Coromoto Hospital will be renamed the Che Guevara Hospital. Speaking for the government, Lt. Col. Hugo Chávez Frías explained that the new name was more fitting because “Guevara sent more people to the hospital than any virgin ever did. He was a hacker of limbs, a gouger of eyes—a creator of the need for medical services. Hospitals owe their robust demand for treatment to men like him.”

Elizabeth Edwards Defends Her Husband

Wife of presidential candidate and former senator John Edwards (D-NC), Elizabeth Edwards asserted that her husband was “more of a woman than Hillary Clinton ever will be. Senator Clinton (D-NY) is more like a man than she is like a woman. John is not like that. He is more sensitive like a woman is. Why, he cried for days after the 2004 election. I doubt that Hillary could squeeze out a tear while peeling onions.”

Elizabeth Edwards contended that, based on his sensitivity, her husband would be more like America’s first female president than Hillary Clinton would. This dig was likely inspired by Bill Clinton’s claim that he was America’s first black president.

Edwards used the recent disclosure that Illinois’ Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich had spent $600 of taxpayers’ money on make-up for a single public appearance as further evidence that her husband was being treated unfairly by the media. “John gets a haircut paid for with $400 of voluntary donations and gets raked over the coals,” Elizabeth complained. “This peacock from Illinois uses the taxpayers’ hard-earned cash to gussy up for a press conference and there’s hardly a peep.”

“John is very thrifty,” Elizabeth went on. “When he needs make up he borrows mine. That’s another reason why I know he has more in common with women than Hillary does. She obviously does NOT know how to use lip gloss. John obviously does.”

In related news, Elizabeth Edwards told a prominent gay rights group that her husband would help repeal more than a thousand laws that discriminate against same-sex couples. “In many ways, John and I are like a same-sex couple,” she said. “So, we think we know how you feel.”

New Virginia Law Allows Government to Loot Speeders

Coasting through the legislature on a slogan “speed kills,” a new law in the state allows police to get tough with drivers caught exceeding the posted limits. The measure seeks to both make an example of those “who refuse to comply with the law” and raise revenue to fund “vital government functions.”

State Highway Patrol spokesman, Captain Robert Morris defended the law as “the stick we have long needed to beat some sense into those who speed or drive improperly. Year-after-year the vast majority of drivers have ignored the posted limits. Fines and points have failed to achieve compliance. More drastic measures are needed.”

Under the new law, drivers who have exceeded the limit by 20 mph or engaged in other “unacceptable driving behaviors” may be fined up to $2500.

As predicted by critics of the measure, the new law has inspired a wave of lowered speed limits across the state. “This law will greatly ease the strain on our budget,” said Jess Turley, communications director for the City of Richmond. “At $2,500 a pop, revenue could amount to millions per day. The days of ‘we can’t afford that’ for this City are over.”