House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said that progress in the Iraq War would be “bad news” for his party. “Our stance has been that the war is hopeless,” Clyburn said. “We’ve invested a lot of political capital in this scenario. If Petraeus comes in and says we’re winning it would be bad news for our efforts to force the president to accept a timetable to withdraw the troops.”

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. Army forces in Iraq, is slated to make a progress report to congress in September. Clyburn noted that, “Unfortunately, General Petraeus carries significant weight with some members of the Democratic Party contingent in the House. Without their support, our ability to counter Bush’s policies may be nonexistent.”

Many Democrats have anticipated that Petraeus would report mixed results for the “surge” strategy. However, lately there have been signs that significant progress may be occurring. Just this week, Rep. Nancy Boyda (D-Ks.) was forced to walk out of a hearing of the House Armed Services Committee because she couldn't stand to listen to what she characterized as retired General Jack Keane, former vice chief of staff of the Army’s “unexpected and unwanted intimations that we could win this war.”

"There is only so much you can take until we in fact had to leave the room for a while...after so much frustration of having to listen to what we listened to," Ms. Boyda explained. “We are trying to unite this country behind a plan for disengagement from the war. General Keane isn’t helping us with his so-called ‘good news.’”

Rep. Boyda was distressed that Keane’s report on his recent trip to Baghdad indicated that all the schools are open, the markets are teeming with people and essential services are being provided to most of the population.

General Keane isn’t the only one seeing progress in Iraq. The New York Times featured a piece by Brookings Institution scholars Michael O'Hanlon and Kenneth Pollack, two prominent Democratic foreign policy analysts, who described Iraq as "a war we might just win."

Rep. Clyburn said that while reports of the surge’s success are “a problem for us,” he still holds out hope that “things can get turned back around” and that by this time next year “the news will be more favorable for the Democratic Party’s election prospects in November.”

UN Committee Declares Abortion and Homosexual Marriage “Sacred Human Rights”

At the latest round of the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW) Committee meetings, members of the committee criticized member nations’ anti-abortion laws, saying that undue restriction on abortions is “a crime against humanity.” Committee member Heisoo Shin said that it was necessary for governments to “create a momentum, a social force that stops the crime and allows a woman to avoid the risk of an illegal and possibly unsafe abortion.”

CEDAW member Silvia Pimentel, faculty member at the Pontifical Catholic University of Sao Paulo in Brazil, said, “Women have their reasons to seek an abortion. These must be respected, not questioned.” Pimentel argued against “turning back the clock to those ‘savage’ times when a woman could not terminate an unwanted pregnancy.” The CEDAW singled out Honduras’ constitution where unborn children have the same rights as born children as “an especially barbaric example of bad law.”

Pimentel also criticized the content of some of Hungarys’ materials on the topic, expressing concern over a brochure entitled “Life Is a Miracle.” “If we say life is a miracle this may give a person reason for not having an abortion,” Pimentel complained. “Who’s to say life is a miracle. Maybe it’s a burden that women wish to spare their prospective children from having to bear. Such biased materials are uncivilized and indecent.”

The CEDAW also demanded that member nations institute laws protecting homosexual rights. Pimentel suggested that promoting more homosexual marriages would help reduce the need for abortions. “Gay sex does not result in pregnancy,” Pimentel pointed out. “It is a means of satisfying sexual urges without contributing to the population problem. The world might be a better place if there were more of it.”

In related news, Rome marked the opening of its first officially designated "Gay Street." The street is 325-yards long in the center of the city and is filled with shops and bars. Fabrizio Marrazzo, Rome leader of Italy's gay rights movement described the street as an area where gays can "feel at ease." Marrazzo said he was especially grateful for the mayor’s decision to have the street blocked off three nights a week. “The mayor’s decree will allow us to openly be ourselves,” Marrazzo said. “On those days we won’t have to hide ourselves behind closed doors. We can let it all hang out without fear of ostracism or condemnation.”

Mayor Walter Veltroni explained that his decision was designed to protect the public safety and decency. “Those who would be offended by ostentatious gay behavior will be blocked from inadvertently blundering into it,” Veltroni said. “At the same time, gays heedlessly engaging in public lovemaking will be protected from being run over by motor cars.”

Mayor’s Bodyguard Roughs up Female Reporter

Los Angeles Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, already under fire for his illicit affair with Telemundo network newscaster Mirthala Salinas, faces new criticism over his bodyguard’s rough treatment of “Azetca America Channel 54” television reporter Alicia Unger. The manhandling incident occurred as Villaraigosa was attempting to evade questions from the media.

Villaraigosa asserted that the reporter was pushed aside “for her own protection.” “Look, I’ve already gotten myself in trouble by being too friendly with Ms. Salinas,” Villaraigosa explained. “I don’t want that to happen again. So, my security detail has strict instructions to fend off all females.”

The Mayor’s security detail has jokingly labeled the new policy as “beat ‘em before the Mayor can meet ‘em.” “Everyone knows the Mayor has a hard time resisting the Hispanic cuties,” said Sgt. Jose Gamberro, head of the Mayor’s security detail. “We’re just using a little ‘tough love’ to head off any lapses. We aren’t only protecting the Mayor. We’re protecting the women, too.”

Senator Proposes Bureaucrats’ Academy

Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) has proposed that the federal government establish a “West Point for bureaucrats.” Citing the proud traditions and accomplishments of the nation’s military academies, Sen. Clinton said it is time to recognize that the nation needs better-trained bureaucrats to run the country.

“Defending this nation is a minor and simple task compared to the paperwork generated by our enormous and complex system of governance,” Clinton said. “Just like our military academies, we need to give a totally all-paid education to young men and women who will serve their country in a public-service position.”

To implement her vision, Clinton has introduced legislation (S. 960) to establish a United States Public Service Academy. The Academy would run its recruits through a rigorous course of study to prepare graduates to govern the country. Students would be able to choose from three major courses of study: Taxing, Budgeting, and Regulating. Entering freshmen would be dubbed “proles.” Graduating seniors will be designated “apparatchiks.”

“In the future, government will ensure that every person’s needs are fully met,” Clinton predicted. “We cannot get by with an out-moded ‘laissez faire’ philosophy that subsists on the myth that people should look out for themselves. We are all one family and government is our parent. This parent must have access to the best-trained professional governors to ensure that every family member performs his or her role and receives his or her due.”

Sean Penn and Chavez Agree U.S. Should Be More Like Venezuela 

American actor, Sean Penn applauded Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez as “a model for what an American president should be.” The 46-year-old actor, who won an academy award for his role as a murderer in “Mystic River” and who has built a financially rewarding Hollywood career playing lowlifes and criminals, met privately for two hours with Chavez.

The admiration between the two men was mutual. Chavez praised Penn as being "brave" for urging Americans to impeach President Bush. “Taking on a president in one’s own country is the act of a bold and brave man,” Chavez boasted. “In my country, a person who did such a thing would disappear without a trace.”

Penn enthused over Chavez’s social programs, agreeing with the Venezuela dictator’s assessment that "If the people of the United States realized what is truly happening in Venezuela, there would be a revolution in the United States."

“He’s right,” said Penn. “In America there is a huge gap between rich and poor. Corporate millionaires live the high life, while the vast majority live empty lives of grinding poverty. All the while, the Bush Administration stands by and does nothing to bridge this gap. But in Venezuela, Chavez is seizing the reins of government and transferring the nation’s wealth to the poor. He is truly a model for what an American president should be.”

Penn said he hopes a Democratic sweep in the 2008 election “will enable the U.S. government to make the kind of progress Chavez has made in his country.”