A Harris Poll found that 94 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives. This is up from 90 percent two years ago.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean attributed the improvement to the 2006 elections, which returned control of congress to the Democratic Party. “Two years ago, this country faced a long nightmare of four more years of George Bush,” Dean said. “It’s no wonder only 90 percent were satisfied. But now, with the Democrats retaking control of congress a natural feeling of euphoria is sweeping the country. These statistics are proof of this dramatic turnaround in the public mood.”

Dean predicted that the figure would reach 100 percent once a Democrat is elected president. “Instead of the partisan bickering we have now with divided government, we can expect a genuine ‘era of good feelings’ once all the forces are aligned to ensure the passage of key legislation,” Dean said. “We’ll be able to enact the nationalized health care, gay rights, and tax hike agenda that has been blocked by the Neanderthal right wingers of the GOP.”

In related news, Dean said that the party will launch an unprecedented "voter protection" effort to try to avoid election irregularities like those seen in Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004. “People were asked to show ID,” Dean complained. “Others were denied the right to vote after the polls had closed. Many were restricted to a single ballot in a single precinct. These types of Republican efforts to suppress the votes will not be tolerated in 2008.” Dean expressed confidence that the increase in Democratic control of state governments since 2006 would “reduce the incidence of these kinds of abuses.”

Muslims Protest Pet Food Factory

A group of Muslims in Rugby, United Kingdom are opposing plans for a pet food factory to be built in nearby Coton Park. Muslim residents in the area point out that “if the factory were to be bombed, the pork will rain down on our homes and gardens.”

"Our religion expressly forbids us to come into contact with pigs in any form,” said resident, Mustaf Kilamanh. "Because of the high risk of jihadi action in this infidel land, our mortal souls are placed in grave danger. Say a bomb hurls pieces of swine into the air. If I were to be slain by a falling piece of ham, my soul would go straight to Hell. Such a tragedy must not be permitted.”

"In this country we are allowed the right to follow our religion and religious beliefs,” Kilamanh continued. “By allowing this plan to go ahead my religious rights are being swept to one side to satisfy kaffir greed.”

Kilamanh is demanding that this plant and others like it be prohibited from being built wherever Muslims live. “These are Muslim lands now,” Kilamanh asserted. “They must not be defiled in this way.”

Democrats Launch Preemptive Strike against Troop Surge Report

War critics are saying that the upcoming report on progress in Iraq is going to be a “con job.” The report from the US commander in Iraq, General David Petraeus, isn’t due until mid-September. However, a number of witnesses who have been on the scene in Iraq have asserted that the troop surge seems to be working.

Success in the war is expected to present political difficulties for the Democrats. In fact, House Majority Whip, Representative James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said that reports of the surge’s success are “a problem for us.”

Faced with the grim prospect of a possible victory in the Iraq War, Democrats are scrambling to discredit the forthcoming report. "For a long time the Administration has hidden behind the name of General David Petraeus,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). “Let’s not forget, though, that Petraeus is subordinate to President Bush. He will do what his commander-in-chief tells him to do. He will say what his commander-in-chief tells him to say. Since it has been shown that the president has lied about Iraq before, we’d be foolish to place any credence on this upcoming report from General Petraeus.”

Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.), the House Democratic Caucus chairman, accused the Bush administration of continuing to spin the facts about Iraq. "After years of slogans and sound bites, Americans deserve an even-handed assessment of conditions in Iraq," Emanuel said. “Petraeus represents only one side of the story. We need to hear testimony from al-Qaeda, too. That’s the only way we’ll get a balanced picture of what’s going on.”

Dems Pass Energy Independence Bill

Democrats in the House of Representatives passed the “New Direction for Energy Independence, National Security, and Consumer Protection Act.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) touted the comprehensive scope of the legislation. "Energy independence is a national security issue, an environmental and health issue, an economic issue and a moral issue," Pelosi said after the bill's passage.

The Democrats’ bill goes far beyond what Pelosi characterized as “the Republican efforts to cast energy independence in a narrow focus.” “The Republican approach is only aimed at achieving independence from Middle Eastern sources of petroleum,” Pelosi pointed out. “This bill puts us on the path to total independence from all sources.”

The bills’ taxes and penalties on energy producers and users are expected to make gasoline more expensive and harder to obtain. While this may be an outcome that many Americans would question, it was defended as “the first phase of Congress’ ambitious energy policy goals,” said Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.). “It’s not enough to just cut back on imported oil. That’s not real energy independence. Real energy independence will come when we stop using energy and stop polluting the planet.”

Describing oil companies as “pushers” and consumers as “addicts, ”Senator Robert Menendez (D-N.J.) said his party is determined to "help America kick its oil addiction." “For too long we’ve tolerated a system that allows corporations to seduce people into buying cars and getting ‘hooked’ on gasoline,” Menendez said. “We’ve been so lax that this vile substance is sold openly on every street corner in the country. We don’t allow drug pushers to openly sell their poison. Why should we allow oil corporations to do so?”

Democrats say that their war on oil addiction should be more successful than the war on drugs because every user’s vehicle is registered with the government. “We know where they live, the quantities consumed are large and difficult to conceal, so getting America ‘energy clean and sober’ is a very doable goal,” Pelosi predicted.

In related news, former vice-president Al Gore urged America’s youth to prevent the construction of new power plants by “throwing themselves in front of bulldozers.” “The fate of the planet is at stake,” Gore insisted. “Are we so addicted to mobility, comfort and wealth that we aren’t willing to make sacrifices to save Mother Earth?”

Arkansas Law Allowing Children to Wed Proves Embarrassing

In a well-intended bid to make the state’s laws more accommodating to cultural diversity, the Arkansas Legislature passed a bill that allows Arkansans of any age — even infants — to marry if their parents agree.

The bill’s sponsor Representative Will Bond (D-Jacksonville) said “An arranged marriage between children or even between a child and an adult is a common feature in many cultures. With a growing Muslim contingent in our state we felt we needed to be sensitive to these different cultural norms.”

Many who voted for the legislation admitted that they had not carefully read it. “I thought we was voting to allow under-aged girls impregnated by family members to be married,” said a sheepish Representative Bobby Joe Clinton (D-Little Rock). “I mean, it’s one thing to ‘make an honest woman’ of your cousin. It’s another thing entirely to marry a baby.”

"We need a special session to fix this," Senator Sue Madison (D-Fayetteville) said. "I am concerned about pedophiles coming to Arkansas to find parents who are willing to sign a very young child's consent."

The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has lodged a protest in response to Senator Madison’s comments. “Use of the word ‘pedophile’ is an insult to Muslims,” Muhed Kudchurh. “The Prophet took a child bride as commanded by Allah. Was he a pedophile? To suggest so is to invite retribution.”

Before the new law took effect July 31, girls could get married with parental consent at 16 and boys at 17.

Illegal Immigrant Sanctuary Protects Murderer 

Dozens of cities across the nation offer illegal immigrant sanctuaries. One of them is Newark, New Jersey. Had this city contacted federal immigration officials after illegal alien Jose Carranza’s first felony indictment for raping a five-year old, he would have been deported and therefore prevented from later murdering three youngsters in a schoolyard.

The murders have fueled further outrage over the government’s failure to stem the tide of invasion from the south. “I guess these immigrants are doing the crimes Americans are unwilling to do,” said one disgusted Newark resident who requested his name not be published.