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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Dean Denounces Timing of Rehnquist’s Death

September 9, 2005

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean complained that the timing of Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist’s death was “highly suspicious.”

“Last year, Reagan conveniently died just in time to take attention away from Bush’s failed Iraq War and boost Bush’s chances for reelection,” said Dean. “Now, in the midst of Bush’s failure to prevent the extermination of downtrodden, minority New Orleans’ hurricane victims, Justice Rehnquist conveniently dies. Am I the only one who sees a pattern here?”

Dean charged that presidential advisor Karl Rove was masterminding these strategically timed deaths of conservative icons. “Not only do these deaths distract Americans from Bush’s blunders, they also serve as a cover for Rove’s nefarious scheme to suppress Democratic voter turnout in next year’s Congressional elections by evacuating New Orleans hurricane victims to other states,” claimed Dean.

Dean demanded that the Democratic Party be authorized to cast absentee ballots on behalf of the evacuated hurricane victims. “These dispersed people are mostly poor and uneducated,” said Dean. “Many are on welfare. Others are driven to a life of crime. These are the people the Democratic Party represents. Who could object to us casting their ballots for them during this time of turmoil?”

Dean said he will be working with key members of Congress to draft enabling legislation.

Senator Kennedy Offers to Plug at Least One Hole in the New Orleans Levee

Shocked by the widespread suffering of those displaced from their homes by the flooding in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) offered to plug one of the holes in the Lake Pontchartrain levee with his own ample body.

“The Bush Administration has failed to stem the tide of this cataclysm,” said Kennedy. “I have had some experience with aquatic mishaps. This experience will bolster me in this hour of desperation as I plug one of the leaks myself.”

Kennedy has arranged to have the Air Force transport him by helicopter and lower him into the easternmost breach in the levee. The hope is that the senator’s doughy frame will be pliable enough to conform to the hole’s dimensions and halt or, at least slow, the flow of water from the lake into the city.

President Bush praised Senator Kennedy’s decision. “I think it’s mighty big of him to offer so much for the good of the country,” said Bush. “There aren’t many who could fill such a large role in this disaster.”

Not everyone favors restoring the levee. Both Disney and Turner Communications expressed interest in turning New Orleans into a giant theme park. Disney has drawn up preliminary plans for an attraction it has tentatively labeled “Disasterland.” Tourists could purchase helicopter rides to view the carnage, loot stores and fish souvenirs out of the muck. Turner plans similar tourist activities, but calls its attraction “Underwater World.” Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco is reportedly considering these proposals.

In other news, Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro has also offered aid. “The Cuban people know how to build boats out of any scrap material,” said Castro. “There are already more than a million volunteers who want to go to America and teach the flood victims this skill.”

Jackson Charges Hurricane Katrina Proves U.S. Racist

Reverend Jesse Jackson asserted that the devastation inflicted on poor blacks by Hurricane Katrina proves America is a racist society.

“We don’t see this kind of destruction in white or Jewish communities,” said Jackson. “Why is it always poor blacks who’re hurt? It’s because our racist society wants it that way.”

Jackson said 120,000 people in New Orleans make less than $8,000 a year. “This is less than I charge for a single speech,” Jackson pointed out.

Jackson also criticized the role given to former presidents George Bush senior and Bill Clinton as coordinators for a fund raising effort following the Katrina tragedy. “Why wasn’t I asked to lead this relief effort?” Jackson demanded to know. “As a Black man, I can feel their pain just as well, if not better than Bill Clinton. And my fees are quite reasonable.”

Jackson spoke after leading a bus convoy into New Orleans to give a speech to 450 students trapped at Xavier University. “If you’re Black and you live in a shack, your race will trap you in this place,” said Jackson.

Mexico Estimates 145,000 Illegal Emigrants Displaced by Katrina

The Mexican government estimates that 145,000 Mexicans illegally residing in New Orleans and surrounding areas may have been displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Mexico's consul general, Jorge Guajardo, said that his government stands ready to send replacements.

“We are ready to assist our Norte Americano neighbors meet their need for low-cost illegal-alien labor,” said Guajardo. “Millions of Mexican citizens have already volunteered to go to the United States during this time of crisis. All we ask is that President Bush provide the transportation.”

Edwards to Lead Team of Trial Lawyers to New Orleans

Former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards says the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina presents a rare opportunity for massive litigation. To take advantage of this opportunity, Edwards says he is organizing a team of personal injury trial lawyers to fly down to New Orleans and begin the process of lining up prospective plaintiffs.

“We have observed pain and suffering of multi-billion dollar proportions,” said Edwards. “There are federal, state and local governments to sue. President Bush is promising billions in federal aid. We aim to cut ourselves a piece of that pie.”

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