Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is advising American voters to elect Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) as the nation’s next president. “While my good friend Jimmy Carter has advised me that John Edwards is a man of progressive principles, I fear he, like Jimmy, may lack the cojones to crack the skulls of the reactionary elements that have dominated the United States government for as long as I can remember,” Castro wrote in an editorial column in Cuba's Communist Party newspaper, Granma.

“Consider this, the Clintons sent a police SWAT team to rescue that shipwrecked boy, Elian Gonzalez, from the clutches of his rightwing relatives and return him to me,” Castro wrote. “And they burned those religious fanatics in Texas. So, yes, I think Mrs. Clinton would be tough enough to take the actions necessary to turn the United States in a more progressive direction.”

Castro said that he also hopes this election cycle would see an end to the practice of U.S. presidential candidates seeking the electoral college votes of Florida by “demanding a democratic government in Cuba in order to win the backing of the Cuban renegades who dominate in that state.”

“I think we have seen enough to know that democracy does not work in America,” Castro continued. “As Michael Moore has shown, they can’t get decent health care. And the American government is making war against the peaceful peoples of the Middle East. I believe Mrs. Clinton’s candidacy represents a real opportunity for America to break away from bourgeois decadence and establish the strong leadership needed to turn the country in a new direction.”

Castro has not appeared in public since intestinal decay forced him to hand over power to his brother Raul last year. Despite the possibility that he may be dead, Castro has continued writing dozens of columns and essays.

In related news, Former president Jimmy Carter endorsed former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) for president. "I can say without equivocation that no one who is running for president is better suited to revive and renew my legacy,” Carter said. "I think he is a very appealing candidate. No one has more appeal to the poor and illiterate voters here in the South. He has a very good chance to do well in the 2008 presidential race.”

Rep. Frank Sad to See Sen. Craig Leave Congress

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) announced his resignation following exposure of his arrest during a sting operation at a Minnesota airport men’s room three months ago. The sting operation was initiated after numerous complaints of harassment by men seeking anonymous sex at the facility. Craig was alleged to have solicited sex from a police officer staking out the next toilet stall.

The resignation of Senator Craig came as a cruel blow to Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.). “If only I had been the one in the next toilet stall this scandal could've been avoided,” Frank observed.

Frank, one of two openly gay members of Congress, said Craig “should have come to me. We could have made beautiful music together.”

Since Craig’s effective date of resignation is September 30, Frank expressed the hope that he would be able to give him a “proper send-off.”

Senators Urge Bush to Appoint Unifying AG Nominee

Senators from both parties urged President Bush on Wednesday to avoid a confirmation battle over the next attorney general by picking a unifying nominee. The White House has dispatched some of its top aides to talk to key lawmakers on Senate and House judiciary committees, seeking names of candidates to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who will step down Sept. 17.

A consensus seems to be building around New York City District Attorney Arthur Branch. Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) said she was pleased that a person from her state was so widely respected by her colleagues. “I don’t know that much about him, but I do know that there is no better place to gain crucial legal experience than New York City’s prosecutor’s office,” Clinton said.

Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) seconded Senator Clinton’s nomination of Branch. “While I don’t know as much about him as Senator Clinton seems to, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen him somewhere or maybe even met him,” McCain said. “If he’s got Senator Clinton’s backing I think he’s someone I can probably live with.”

Edwards Says Americans Should Sacrifice to Conserve Energy

Democratic presidential candidate former senator John Edwards (D-NC) told a labor group that he is asking Americans to give up their wasteful ways. Edwards told a forum held by the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers in Lake Buena Vista, Florida, he thinks Americans are willing and able to make this sacrifice in order to conserve energy for use by more important people like himself.

“As I have crisscrossed this nation during my campaign, I have seen how Americans waste energy,” Edwards said. “They drive gas-guzzling SUVs. Their homes are bigger than they need. They eat too much.”

Edwards defended his own 28,000-square-foot mansion and prodigious travel expenses as “necessary for the greater good of all Americans.”

Ahmadinejad Launches New Tirade against Jews

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad launched a new verbal assault on Jews, accusing them of sowing conflict, publishing offensive cartoons and "lying about being Jewish."

"They are lying about being Jewish because religion means brotherhood, friendship and respecting other divine religions," Ahmadinejad said. “But Jews scheme against the world.”

Ahmadinejad accused the Jews of starting World War II. “As was foretold by Adolph Hitler, the Jews plunged the world into a war forcing Germany to defend itself,” Ahmadinejad claimed. “Luckily, the Jews failed to succeed in their quest for world domination. But the rest of the world paid a terrible price for this temporary victory.”

"Unfortunately, the Jews did not learn their lesson,” Ahmadinejad went on. “Today, anywhere they are found there is war. Anywhere where there is war they are behind it." Ahmadinejad called for the peoples of the world “to unite and uproot the Jews before it is too late.”

Iran's government vehemently denies charges of anti-Semitism, pointing out that 20,000 Jewish hostages in Iran, the largest in the Middle East, have not yet been harmed.

Africa Wants Reparations

European and American countries that took Africans to other continents to serve as slaves should pay reparations, say attendees at the African Union (AU) conference in the Caribbean Island of Barbados.

Addressing the conference, Africa's Development Minister, Hola Bushwa says the countries who were responsible for the slave trade must take responsibility for their actions. “Today, Blacks in America and Europe live lives of luxury compared to those left behind in Africa,” Bushwa said. “The African continent has suffered poverty and corrupt governments while their racial brothers whose ancestors were taken as slaves have prospered.”

Bushwa demanded that either the Blacks must be returned to Africa or the responsible countries must pay the equivalent labor value for every one that is withheld from the “rightful owners.”

Democratic Presidential Candidate’s Office Burglarized

Senator Christopher Dodd’s (D-Conn) presidential campaign may have suffered a fatal blow when a burglar made off with papers that contained the names and contact information for both of Dodd’s supporters.

Dodd was counting on the list as a source of funds going into the critical primary season next January. “I don’t see how we can recover from this setback,” Dodd said. “I’ve been wracking my brain to try to remember at least one of the names. All I come up with is ‘Joe’ or ‘John’ something.”

Dodd’s office issued a public plea for anyone who thinks he might have been on the list to please call the senator’s campaign headquarters as soon as possible.

China Offers to “Divvy up” the Pacific Ocean with the US

The Chinese government has proposed to divide up the Pacific Ocean into U.S. and Chinese spheres of influence. The Chinese proposal would have yielded a “Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere” to China while allowing the U.S. to dominate in the portion of the Pacific between Hawaii and California. Chinese officials said they got the idea from some papers they found in an old filing cabinet.

CNBC and MSNBC Refuse to Air Commercials that Support the War in Iraq

CNBC and MSNBC have refused to air Freedom's Watch’s ads urging Americans to support victory in Iraq, stating the ads "conflict with our message that the war is immoral and lost."