“It is not for Mr. Limbaugh to say who is or isn’t a soldier,” Reid said. “Nor should he be casting aspersions on brave men like Jesse Macbeth for their outspoken opposition to the atrocities committed by our troops. Congress is the judge of these matters.”

Reid asserted that “the testimony of soldiers like Macbeth has been corroborated by many others.” “Senator Kerry (D-Mass.) has informed me that our troops have been terrorizing women and children in the dead of night,” Reid went on. “Congressman Murtha (D-Pa.) pointed out that our Marines have been killing civilians in cold-blood. I have heard similar stories from Senator Durbin (D-Ill.) and Senator Obama (D-Ill.).”

As it turns out, Macbeth who claimed to have been an Army Ranger was in the Army only 44 days and never served in Iraq or Afghanistan. The lack of actual participation in the war did not stunt Macbeth’s imagination. He described how he and other U.S. Army Rangers slaughtered Muslims as they prayed in a Baghdad mosque.

Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) cautioned that we “not rush to dismiss Macbeth’s account of atrocities just because he embellished his war record.” Harkin said boasting about one’s military service is “a harmless vice” akin to “fishermen’s tales of the one that got away.”

Harkin once claimed to have flown combat missions in Vietnam, only to later be forced to admit that he only flew into Vietnam on a few occasions to “sample the ‘killer weed’ and get some action with ‘hot Asian babes.’”

Reid’s bill calls for Limbaugh to be permanently banished from the airwaves and to perform two million hours of community service helping non-English speakers register to vote.

Obama Explains Why He Stopped Wearing Flag Pin

Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) said he doesn’t wear the American flag lapel pin because “it would be unfair for me to take sides.” “Look, polls show that nearly 20% of Democrats want the United States to lose the War on Terror,” Obama pointed out. “I want to be the presidential nominee of all Democrats. How can I do that if I show favoritism toward one side in this conflict?”

Obama drew a parallel with his refusal to take sides in the annual confrontation of the Chicago White Sox and Cubs baseball teams. “I respect the points of view and feelings of both sides,” Obama said. “After all, I represent the whole state of Illinois. As president I will respect the views of all Americans.”

The Illinois senator called his rivals like Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) “phony patriots” for their insincere display of U.S. flag pins on their lapels. “They claim they are against the war,” Obama said. “Yet, they voted for the war and continue to wear the emblem of the aggressor on their clothing.”

Helen Thomas, longtime member of the press assigned to cover presidential politics, belittled Obama’s attempt to distinguish himself from the other Democrats. “They’re all ‘spineless turds,’” Thomas said. “At a debate in New Hampshire they all refused to commit to getting the troops out of Iraq by 2013. They’re as bad as Bush.”

Democratic Presidential Hopefuls Covert Kennedy Endorsement

Democratic presidential contenders flocked to Sen. Edward Kennedy’s 75^th birthday party to curry favor in hopes of receiving his endorsement for the Democratic presidential nomination. The attention underscored Kennedy’s star power in the White House race. The senator’s endorsement is among the most coveted by the Democratic contenders.

Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) plied him with a gift of liquor. Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) warned him that “it’s important to have the right friends because it’s a dangerous world out there.” Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Conn.) told Kennedy he was “looking as fit and vigorous as ever.”

“Most endorsements aren’t worth much,” said veteran Democratic consultant Michael Shea. “But if you get Kennedy’s endorsement, it’s really worth something. Democratic voters across the country idolize him. He’s a survivor.”

Kennedy’s own presidential ambitions were crushed in 1969 when he drunkenly drove off a bridge during a tryst with a campaign worker who later drowned in the submerged car while he was consulting with his lawyer on how best to deflect blame from himself.

White Farmers on Trial for Growing Food

Ten white farmers were hauled into court in Zimbabwe charged with unauthorized growing of crops on their land. To outside observers, the charges seem bizarre. The country is experiencing severe food shortages. Millions of people will starve if food aid is not received within the next few months.

The farmers are charged with violating the “Consequential Provisions Act,” which decreed that white farmers’ land and homes be expropriated and turned over to blacks by September 30 of this year. The courtroom was crowded by dictator Robert Mugabe’s supporters demanding “their share” of the loot.

Didymus Mutasa, the Mugabe’s Lands Minister, said “Our position is that food shortages or no food shortages, we are going ahead to remove the remaining whites. Too many blacks are still clamoring for land and we will resettle them on the remaining farms.”

Thus far, the resettlement program has been a disaster. Many of the beneficiaries of the redistribution are inept or indifferent farmers. Nonetheless, Mutasa vigorously defended the policy as “necessary to stamp out the last vestiges of inequality.” “It is better that the land lie barren in the hands of blacks than continue to be exploited by whites,” Mutasa contended. “Equal suffering is preferable to having to endure any more demonstrations of white supremacy.”

Craig to Stay in US Senate

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) vowed he will serve out his term in office despite losing a court attempt to rescind his guilty plea in a men’s room sex sting. Craig said a letter from Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) convinced him disavow his earlier promise to resign.

“Getting such warm encouragement from a fellow member of congress made me realize that it would be foolish for me to prematurely eject myself from the senate when there are still so many opportunities to be of service,” Craig explained.

“I just told him he was being too hard on himself,” Frank said, confirming his receptivity to Senator Craig’s continuation in office. “Even though we’re of different parties, I’ve persuaded him that we can come together on at least this one issue.”

UK Court Calls Gore Film “Pure Rubbish”

Ignoring the Academy Award won by the film, as well as rumors that former U.S. vice-president Al Gore is in line for a Nobel Peace Prize, a United Kingdom High Court judge said Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” was “assembled by a cretin of minimal understanding and even less sense.” The movie has been distributed to more than 3500 schools for children aged 11 to 14 as part of their “Climate Change” curriculum.

The case reached the court when truck driver and father of two, Stewart Dimmock brought action to ban the film from UK schools. The court’s ruling substantially agreed with Dimmock’s contention that the film is “unfit for schools” because it contains scientific inaccuracies, “sentimental mush” and is politically biased.

Gore called the ruling “deplorable” and promised that “this judge and his ilk will pay a heavy price for their efforts to thwart me when I am named global climate czar next year.”

Children of Che Guevara Visit Iran

Aleida and Camilo Guevara, children of Castro pal and communist thug, Ernesto “Che” Guevara, recently paid a visit to Iran. Iranian Minister of Culture and Islamic Guidance Mohammad-Hossein Saffar Harandi paid tribute to Che Guevara and said Iran and Cuba have at least one point in common, both have “an abiding hatred of America.”

Harandi avowed that he has admired Cuba’s progress over the years, and congratulated Aleida and Camilo on their country’s “triumph over Western materialism and decadence. I only hope my country can do as well.”

Aleida Guevara said she and her brother were glad to be able to visit Iran. “We are here as representatives of the Cuban Revolution and are proud to announce our solidarity with Iran. Your Ayatollah Khomeini and our Fidel have so much in common. Both have been the victims of vicious propaganda. America has tried to portray Fidel as a brutal dictator, but this is a lie. He is loving and considerate. For my sixteenth birthday he gave me the ear of a counterrevolutionary, which I frequently wear as a necklace to this day.”

Aleida apologized for her brother’s inability to speak on his own behalf. “Since he has been reeducated all he can do is grin foolishly,” Aleida said. “But he, like all Cubans, is happy. That’s more than can be said for our countrymen who have been lured to America where they have no health insurance and are cruelly exploited by capitalist pigs.”