"The Nobel Committee's recognition of Vice President Gore shines a bright light on the most inconvenient truth of all -- the selection of George Bush as president has endangered the peace and prosperity of the entire planet," said presidential candidate, former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.). “America can make amends in 2008 by electing me because I will appoint Mr. Gore World Environmental Czar.”

Presidential contender Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) applauded Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. "I am glad to see that Al’s post-political career has been so successful,” Clinton said. “He has taken the moral high ground, soaring above the slings and arrows of the political battlefield. We wish him continued success in his educational efforts and hope he will be able to resist pressures to run for president.”

Former president Jimmy Carter disagreed with Clinton’s aspiration for Gore’s future. “As a previous Nobel Peace Prize laureate, I think winning this prize makes Mr. Gore the best qualified person in America to be president,” Carter declaimed. “I have called him numerous times to suggest that he run and even offered him my endorsement.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) issued a statement congratulating Gore for winning the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize, saying, “By making 'An Inconvenient Truth,' he has done more for humanity than any other human being. The United States must now act. The New Direction Congress is completing work on a landmark energy bill that is our first step toward taking America back to a simpler, more frugal way of living and saving our planet.”

Gore has been a frequent critic of Bush's environmental policy, urging him last month to follow the example set by the late Republican President Ronald Reagan who, Gore says “has taken personal action to reduce his contribution to global warming.”

This was the second Nobel Peace prize awarded to a leading Democratic critic during Bush's administration. The 2002 prize went to former President Jimmy Carter for his “masterful handling of the Iranian hostage crisis during his presidency.” In November of 1979, the new Iranian government under Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini invaded the U.S. embassy and took over 60 Americans hostage for over 400 days. The Nobel committee commended Carter for “his patience under duress that enabled the crisis to be brought to a peaceful conclusion in January of 1981.”

In related news, former president Carter said that if he had it to do over, he wouldn’t have changed a single thing he did as president, citing his Nobel Prize as proof that he couldn’t possibly have done a better job.

Edwards Denies Affair

Presidential candidate former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) called a tabloid story that he had an extramarital affair untrue. "The story is false. It's completely untrue, ridiculous," Edwards said.

The National Enquirer reported that the Edwards had an affair with a woman who worked on his campaign. It did not identify the woman or give any details regarding time or location. Nor did it name the source of the information.

Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth, as she has throughout her husband’s campaign, rallied to his defense. “This is a complete fabrication,” she said. “Every minute John is not campaigning he is practicing in front of a mirror. How would he have the time for an affair?”

Elizabeth Edwards suggested that the media investigate “who would be behind such a malicious lie.”

The National Enquirer is owned by individuals with close ties to the Clintons.

Poll Shows Democrat Voters Favor Hillary on Abortion Issue

A recent Gallup poll found that an overwhelming majority of Democrats place more trust in Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) than they do in her chief rivals to handle the issue of abortion. 61 percent of the Democrats polled say they trust Clinton, while just 14 percent say Obama and 11 percent say Edwards would do a better job.

The poll came just three weeks after Clinton told New Hampshire voters she won't soften her pro-abortion views if she's elected president. "You need to know when to stick to principles and fight, and know when to make principled compromises," she said. “The right of a woman to terminate an unwanted pregnancy is a right I will defend to the death.”

“Edwards is a wimp,” said poll respondent Natalie Killian. “Obama lacks the ‘killer instinct’ it takes to lead. But Hillary’s ‘the man’ when it comes to abortion rights. She won’t flinch when she needs to be hard.”

In related news, Ala Senakreh, West Bank chief of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades terrorist group endorsed Clinton for president. “We’re not saying we oppose the other Democrats,” Senakreh said. “All of them recognize the failure of Bush’s Middle East policy. All say they would put an end to American aggression in the region. But the Clintons have a track record we can rely on. We’ll just feel more comfortable with them back in charge.”

LA Officials Authorize Homeless “Squatters’ Rights”

The Los Angeles City Council has approved an ordinance that awards the homeless so-called “squatters rights” to city sidewalks between 9 p.m. and 6 a.m.

The action resolves a lawsuit filed in 2003 by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of six homeless people who wanted an injunction against a 1968 law that prohibited people from sleeping on sidewalks. Police stopped enforcing the law after the 9^th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in 2006 that the law was a violation of the 8^th Amendment’s ban against “cruel and unusual punishments” and said the law couldn't be implemented as long as there is a shortage of beds to accommodate the city's homeless population.

“By rights, the city should be providing comfortable, convenient and secure housing for these people,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “Allowing them to campout on the sidewalks is the least they can do.”

The new ordinance also allows the homeless to urinate and defecate on the streets until “appropriate and commodious facilities are made available.” This proviso is said to be modeled on San Francisco’s “sit/sh*t” ordinance.

“These people have nowhere else to go,” Petty asserted. “Those who profess to be offended can simply avert their gaze.”

There are an estimated 48,000 homeless people currently living in Los Angeles.

Kennedy Has Surgery on Neck Artery

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) underwent surgery to help clear a blocked artery in his neck. Kennedy, 75, underwent an hour long operation on his left carotid artery at Massachusetts General Hospital. The procedure was performed by Dr. Bram Stoker, the hospital's chief of vascular surgery.

“The blood flow to the senator’s brain was barely a trickle before the surgery,” Stoker said. “Essentially, his brain had been ‘running on empty’ for an indeterminate period of time.”

Doctors speculated that the senator’s prodigious consumption of alcohol probably kept him alive. “Alcohol is a vasodilator,” Stoker said. “This apparently was enough to fuel basic bodily functions. However, based on the senator’s day-to-day actions, it is also apparent that there was some measure of brain damage.”

Ted Kennedy is the lone surviving son in his storied political family. His eldest brother, Joseph, was killed in a World War II airplane crash; President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963 and Robert was assassinated in 1968. Ted narrowly escaped death in 1969 when he drove his car into a tidal pond during an extramarital tryst with a young campaign worker who drowned in the incident.

Florida Congressmen Accuse Democratic National Committee of Racism

Senator Bill Nelson (D-Fla.) and Representative Alcee Hastings (D-Fla.) are suing the Democratic National Committee (DNC) over the Committee's pledge not to seat Florida delegates at the party's presidential nominating convention after the Florida moved the state’s presidential primary to January 29, 2008.

"For the DNC to say the fourth largest contingent of Democrats in the nation that their votes will not matter in next year's presidential primary is not only shocking and ironic, but we believe is illegal,” said Hastings. “This harkens back to the days when the Ku Klux Klan ran the Democratic Party in the south.”