Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.), frontrunner for the Democratic presidential nomination, said her proposed a $110 billion-a-year plan for universal health care will include “incentives and penalties” to combat people’s gluttony.

“Americans’ irresponsible eating habits are threatening the nation’s health.” Clinton asserted. "People now eat all day long when they should be having only three meals a day. This has got to stop.”

"At some point, it's not only about health care, it's about how we get back to responsible decision-making, and that's a two-way street," she said. While admitting that she doesn't have any special wisdom on the topic, she vowed to “do whatever it takes to get Americans to lead healthy lives.”

"I think we can use some ‘carrots’ and maybe a few ‘sticks’ to help people understand what they are doing to themselves and to this country by being overweight," Clinton said. “We could have recommended daily allowances for certain foods and an exercise regimen for everyone to follow. Those who comply will be fully covered by the national health plan. Those who don’t could be required to wait until they demonstrate compliance—like they do in the UK’s National Health Service.”

According to campaign finance reports, Clinton is spending $10,000 a day on food for her campaign entourage—potentially setting many of them up for the “stick” portion of the Hillary-Care health plan.

Colorado Governor Says Baseball Team’s Success Vindicates Dems’ Tax & Spend Policy

Governor Bill Ritter (D-Colo) boasted that the success of the Colorado Rockies baseball team shows that the Democrats’ more liberal approach to government is superior to that of the “penny-pinching misers who would deny the people’s right to enjoy sports.”

“There are those who say that the government has no business getting involved in professional sports, that it is unfair to tax the general population in order to subsidize millionaire players and multimillionaire team owners, they call these ‘bread-and-circuses’ outlays and say they are outside the scope of legitimate government, but now that the Rockies have won their way to the World Series I think the majority of voters will appreciate the wisdom of these expenditures,” claimed Ritter.

Ritter pointed out that seven of the eight major league baseball playoff teams were from states with Democratic governors—proving that Colorado wasn’t a fluke, but part of a broad general trend.

“Let’s face it,” Ritter said. “The majority of people lead miserable lives of no importance. The vicarious excitement experienced when our team does well helps to promote the general welfare. And promoting the general welfare is the constitutional obligation of government in this country.”

Chicago Bans Free Press

The Chicago City Council voted 50-0 to enact an ordinance banning the distribution of “newspapers, periodicals and directories of any kind on any public way or other public place or on the premise of private property in the city in such a manner that it is reasonably foreseeable that such distribution will cause litter.”

The City justified the measure as necessary to reduce litter and rejected criticism that it amounts to censorship. “This is not censorship,” insisted John Zenger, spokesman for the mayor’s office. “Legitimate organizations will still be able to sell their papers in the usual manner. We’re after the unregulated pamphleteers and other illegitimate troublemakers who are polluting our town with their unwanted garbage.”

Zenger went on to emphasize that this was no blanket, draconian ban. “Those who cooperate with the city will have nothing to fear,” Zenger assured. “There will be an accommodation for appropriate freedom of speech. You have the Mayor’s word on that.”

In related news, San Francisco’s Democratic mayor, Gavin Newsom, reiterated his opposition to Proposition E. The measure on the City’s November election ballot would require mayors to meet face to face with the Board of Supervisors for a scheduled "question time" each month. “This is too much,” Newsom complained. “People get to question me in the election campaign. Once every four years is more than enough. If they don't like it they can vote for somebody else.”

Pelosi Chastises Stark

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) chastised Representative Pete Stark (D-Calif.) for his "inappropriate" comments about Iraq during a congressional debate on children's health care. Stark had accused Republicans of sending troops to Iraq to "get their heads blown off for the president's amusement."

Stark’s remarks sparked widespread condemnation. In a bid to quell the rising tide of bad publicity, Pelosi issued a statement criticizing Stark. "While members of Congress are passionate about their views, what Congressman Stark said during the debate was inappropriate and distracted from the seriousness of the subject at hand—providing health care for America's children," Pelosi said.

Pelosi reiterated that her problem was not with Stark’s views, but with his “poor timing.” “Remarks about the troops or the war should be made in the proper context,” Pelosi said and advised Stark to take his cue from Representative John Murtha (D-Penn) and “confine his criticisms and denigration of the president, the war and the crimes committed by the troops to the proper venue.”

Pollster Predicts GOP Women Will Give Hillary Election Win

Mark Penn, pollster for the Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) presidential campaign, predicted that a quarter of Republican women would defect from the GOP to vote for her in 2008. Penn said his internal polling also shows that 94 percent of women under 35 say they are likely to vote for Hillary in the November 2008 election if she is on the ballot. Clinton would win over women, says Penn, because of the “emotional” appeal of electing the country’s first woman president.

“From an ideological perspective it doesn’t make any sense,” Penn acknowledged. “A vote for Hillary is a vote for a more active government—national healthcare, repeal of the Bush tax cuts, more regulation—something the GOP supposedly opposes. But, I’m a man. I can’t pretend to really understand how a woman’s mind works.”

Penn said the trend indicates that Clinton would be a stronger Democratic presidential candidate in the South than either Al Gore was in 2000 or John Kerry was in 2004. “These men did the best they could,” Penn said. “They adopted feminist-slanted platforms and tried to speak to women’s concerns. But they weren’t women. The majority of voters are women. That will be enough to ensure that Hillary is the one taking the oath in January of 2009.”

DNC Demands that Republicans Denounce Ann Coulter

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean called on Republicans to denounce Ann Coulter's “hateful rhetoric,” and agree to have her deported. The demand came in response to Coulter’s stating that she wished Jews would convert to Christianity.

"Ann Coulter's brand of hateful, intolerant rhetoric has no place in America's national discourse,” Dean said. Rebuffing comparisons to the various slanders of President Bush and the troops that have been uttered by the likes of Representatives Murtha and Kucinich and Senators Kerry, Durbin and Obama, Dean pointed out that “Coulter is not a member of congress. She has never held any position of authority in government. She has no right to speak this way.”

“Millions may have bought her books, but officially, she is still nobody,” Dean continued. “The Republican Party and its presidential candidates ought to denounce Coulter and refuse to participate in or support events at which she is a speaker. Anyone seeking to lead our nation owes it to the American people to use the opportunity to take a stand on this critical matter."