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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Umpire Analogy Ignites Argument

September 17, 2005

Chief Justice nominee John Roberts' characterization of a judge's role as analogous to that of a baseball umpire sparked a heated outburst by Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). "Judges are like baseball umpires," said Roberts. "They make sure everybody plays by the rules, but they don't write the rule book."

Upon hearing this, Schumer leaped from his seat and rushed over to where Roberts was seated. With his face just inches from Roberts', Schumer shouted, "What kind of a foul ball are you? That pitch was way outside the mainstream of judicial practice." As if to emphasize his point Schumer ripped off his toupee, threw it to the floor and kicked it at Roberts' feet, stomping and gesturing as he denigrated Roberts' vision and judgment.

"There's been a history of bad blood between these two going back to Roberts' last confirmation hearing in 2003," said Senator Orin Hatch (R-Utah). "From where I sit, Roberts' pitch looked to be right down the middle. Schumer is way over on the left. So maybe from where he sits it looked outside."

Senator Russell Feingold (D-Wis.) sided with Schumer. "A judge needs to be more flexible," said Feingold. "Sometimes the rules need to be bent a little to ensure a fair and equitable outcome. We don't want a society where individuals are forced to bear the consequences of their own actions. We want judges to recognize this and deflect the consequences onto the broad shoulders and into the deep pockets of those who have been more successful."

Calm was restored and the hearings continued after two of Schumer's teammates -- Pat Leahy (D-Vermont) and Joe Biden (D-Del.) -- were able to drag the frothing Schumer back to his seat.

Red Cross Blocked from Going into New Orleans

A Red Cross convoy of trucks with water, food, blankets and hygiene items headed to New Orleans to provide post-hurricane relief was blocked from entering the city by Louisiana officials.

"The Red Cross didn't file the appropriate forms to apply for permission to distribute aid," said Jacques Nadir of the governor's office. "There was no environmental impact statement on file. There was no affirmative action plan. Some of the food lacked nutritional content labels. The Red Cross just dropped the ball on completing this important paperwork."

The governor's office is also looking into the reported hundreds of instances of "unauthorized rescues" performed by ordinary citizens. "Many of these so-called rescues were carried out by individuals without proper certificates verifying they had received appropriate training," said Nadir. "We can't just have any untrained person offering help. There are rules to be followed and fees to be paid. Persons found to have provided unauthorized rescues will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

Ironically, prosecutions may be hampered due to lack of appropriate forms. The warehouse where these forms are stored was severely damaged by the flooding.

Palestinian Leaders Demand End to Gaza Looting

Chaos reigned as Palestinians, no longer stymied by an Israeli army, ransacked abandoned synagogues and greenhouses in the Gaza strip. Fearing that "all the good stuff will soon be gone," President Mahmoud Abbas and Prime Minister Ahmed Qurie issued the demands for an end to the looting.

"Looting is to be carried out in a controlled fashion by the Palestinian security forces," said an angry Abbas. "Funds from sales of seized items are needed to replenish the Swiss bank accounts of the government's key personnel."

"We cannot tolerate anarchic pillage," said Ourie. "We must follow the procedures established by Yassir Arafat."

Arafat is reputed to have diverted tens of millions of dollars to a Swiss bank account held in his name in order to protect the funds from embezzlement by Zionist infiltrators.

Red China Disneyland Opens

Chinese Vice President Zeng Qinghong was all smiles at the grand opening of the new Hong Kong Disneyland. The Communist Party official and guest of honor stood Monday alongside Disney executives Michael Eisner and Bob Iger to cut the red ribbon officially opening the $3 billion theme park.

Disney had to make some compromises to gain the Communist government's approval for the park. Perhaps the biggest compromise is that the Disney trademark character will be known as "Mickey Mao" and "Pluto" will be referred to as his "running dog." Other attractions modified to suit the host country include "Imperialist Pirates of the Caribbean," "Haunted Mansion of the Capitalist Exploiters," "Red Rockets Over Taiwan," "Liquidation of the Landlords Firing Squads," and "Mad Hatter's Reindoctrination Jamboree."

Although the price of admission is the cheapest among all Disney theme parks, it still amounts to about six-months of the average Chinese worker's wages.

Star Collapses, Bush Blamed

Astronomers have detected the most distant explosion yet. A massive star collapsed into a black hole some 12.6 billion light years from Earth. The event occurred an estimated 1.1 billion years after the "Big Bang" that created the universe.

Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, was quick to affix blame on President Bush. "The Big Bang should've been ample warning that cataclysms of this magnitude were possible," said Dean. "Yet, we find that the Bush Administration was caught totally unprepared for this latest explosion. The fact that this explosion occurred in a black hole further emphasizes the racial insensitivity that has characterized this administration from day-one."

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) echoed Dean in demanding a congressional investigation of this latest disaster. "We cannot tolerate a perpetual state of unreadiness from this administration," said Clinton. "We need answers. Why did President Bush allow over a billion years to pass after the Big Bang without putting an emergency plan into place? Is it because he doesn't care about black holes?"

President Bush admitted that he was stumped by this latest round of criticism. "I'm no astronomist, but didn't this explosion happen a long time ago, like before I was even born?" asked Bush. "And isn't an exploding star bigger than our entire planet? What could anyone do about such a thing?"

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