Presidential candidate and former senator John Edwards (D-NC) has released a plan to fight domestic hunger and called on Congress to immediately take action to fund a program that would provide universal food services for all Americans.

“Differences in nutrition are yet another manifestation of the ‘two Americas’ I’ve been talking about for the last four years,” Edwards declared. “On the one hand, there are those eating steak and caviar. On the other, we see people eating out of trash cans. We should be ashamed.”

Edwards’ six-point proposal is modeled on the Canadian National Health
Service. It calls for Congress to pass a bill that would provide for conveniently located government-run cafeterias in every neighborhood “where all can receive a balanced diet of wholesome food,” Edwards asserted. “The poor must be cared for. The rich must be barred from taking more than their fair share of nature’s bounty.”

It is Edwards’ contention that over the long run, his plan will save money. “First, there will be tremendous economies-of-scale,” Edwards claimed. “By feeding everyone at centralized cafeterias we will be able to buy in bulk and conserve on preparation and clean-up tasks. Second, we will reduce the burdens on our health care system by combating the diseases of under and over eating. Third, the daily walks to and from the government dining facilities will add a modicum of exercise for our largely sedentary and obese population.”

The Edwards’ plan projects that eventually, society will also save on housing costs since dwelling units will no longer have to include space for cooking or dining activities.

“We will attain the equality envisioned by our nation’s founders and do it in a very cost-effective manner,” Edwards boasted. “The pursuit of happiness will be brought one step closer to realization for all Americans.”

House Speaker Nancy (D-Calif.) said that “While Senator Edwards’ proposal has a lot of merit for most Americans, I cannot see it passing without some exemptions. I represent a very wealthy district. Many of my constituents will not accept the idea of dining with the lower classes. Perhaps if we allow for the purchase of ‘dining credits’ I will be able to sell the plan to them.”

Obama Admits to Drug & Alcohol Use as Teen

Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) admitted to a group of Manchester Central High School students that when he was their age he was not a model student.

“I confess that I was kind of a goof-off in high school,” said Obama. “You know, I made some bad decisions. You know, got into drinking. I experimented
with drugs. There was a whole stretch of time that I didn’t really apply myself. It wasn’t until I went to college that I started realizing, ‘Man, I wasted a lot of time.’“

Republican presidential candidate, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was
asked if he thought Obama’s comments would hurt his candidacy. “No, we’re
all human,” he said. “We make mistake. Anyone who says he hasn’t has a
credibility problem.”

Democratic presidential front-runner Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) pounced
on Obama’s admission as “further evidence that he might not be ready to lead
this nation. America needs someone who is sober and experienced, not someone
of weak character who must turn to artificial stimulants.”

Hillary brushed off comparisons to her husband’s own admission that he had
experimented with marijuana as a young man. “First of all, it wasn’t me
experimenting with drugs,” she pointed out. “Besides, Bill never inhaled. I think that shows the kind of clear-headedness and good judgment that made him a great leader.”

In related news, Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn dismissed the latest
Washington Post/ABC poll showing Obama ahead in Iowa. “Obama is an
inexperienced light-weight and former substance abuser,” Penn contended. "Right now, he’s enjoying some novelty attention from ill-informed voters. Once we call in all our I.O.U.s we’re confident that Iowa voters will come to their senses and send him back home for some more seasoning. He can try again in the 2016 race after Hillary has finished her two terms in office.”

UN Says Islam Should Not Be Blamed for Terrorism

The United Nations’ “Terrorism: Dimensions, Threats and Countermeasures”
conference in Tunis concluded that Islam should not be blamed for terror
carried out in its name.

“The UN did not blame communism for the Soviet gulags or the genocide in Cambodia,” observed conference chairman Abdullah al-Ibi of Saudi Arabia. “Yet, one can find language in the sacred manifestos written by its founder that could be interpreted as granting license for murder and mayhem. If communism gets a pass, so must Islam.”

Ibi suggested that “attempts to point the finger of blame will be self-defeating” and that the West “would be better off if it simply paid the required jizya. Then they would be assured of protection under Muslim law.”

Murtha, Obey Say Pentagon Move “Despicable”

Representatives David Obey (D-Wis.) and John Murtha (D-Pa.) called the Pentagon’s move to cut expenses in the wake of congress’ efforts to back the administration into a corner over Iraq War funding “despicable.”

“The Pentagon’s plan to meet the projected funding shortage by laying off Washington bureaucrats—the majority of whom are reliable Democratic voters—in order to free up funds for troops in the field—the majority of whom vote Republican—is pure politics at their worst,” Murtha complained. “They’re scaring the families of these hard-working government employees. That’s the thing that’s so despicable.”

Obey seconded Murtha’s remarks, saying “The Administration is toying with
the lives of government employees who depend upon Washington for a weekly
paycheck. This is both cruel and irresponsible.”

The Pentagon’s order to prepare for layoffs of as many as 100,000 civilian employees and another 100,000 civilian contractors came in response to the failure of congress to provide funds to keep the troops in Iraq supplied. Last week, the House passed a $50 billion war funding bill that would keep operations afloat for a few more months, but made it conditional upon withdrawal of U.S. troops by December 2008. After President Bush threatened to veto the measure, Senate Republicans blocked it.

Spitzer Eyes Tax Hike

Thwarted in his bid to award driver’s licenses and voting privileges to illegal aliens living in his state, New York’s Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer is aiming to take his revenge by boosting taxes on the “wealthy.”

As a candidate in 2006, Mr. Spitzer said he would not increase taxes. Instead, he promised to raise necessary revenues by obtaining money from nonrecurring sources, such as the selling of state assets, and from the closure of tax loopholes.

The Governor argues that his proposal to raise taxes on the rich is a fulfillment of his pledge to close loopholes. “The ‘loophole’ in this case is that the rich have more money than they need,” Spitzer said. “A just tax structure would ensure that all taxpayers end up with equal spending power after taxes. A tax code that fails to achieve this outcome has a ‘loophole.’ Any step we can take in the direction of total equality represents a step toward closing this ‘loophole.’”

Support for this tax increase is coming from the Working Families Party, a
political organization financed by a coalition of labor unions and community
groups. Spitzer received 155,000 votes on the Party’s ballot line in the 2006 election.

In Spitzer’s view, any family with a income larger than $100,000 per year should be considered “too rich for their own good.”