If you thought there was something odd about CNN's YouTube Republican presidential debate you are correct. As it turns out, at least nine of the “undecided Republican voters” have subsequently been identified as Democrats who have taken stands in support of one or another of the current Democratic presidential candidates.

CNN President Jonathan Klein was quick to defend loading the questions in this fashion. “Who better to show the unsuitability of these Republican candidates than knowledgeable Democrats?” Klein asked. “The American people deserve to see these poseurs exposed to critical scrutiny. Our only disappointment is that the revelation of the identities of these questioners will now be used by the vast rightwing conspiracy to cloud the issue.”

Klein emphasized that “what may appear to the ill-informed as a ‘dirty trick’ is warranted by the critical nature of next year’s election. It is absolutely essential that control of the government be returned to Democratic hands. Key policy initiatives like nationalized health care, the award of citizenship and voting rights to undocumented residents, and increased taxes need a unified Democratic executive and congress to ensure enactment.”

The CNN chief said he was confident that the disclosure of CNN’s efforts to tilt the election outcome “will be known only to the ‘lunatic fringe’ who dominate talk radio and Internet blogs because no reputable media outlet will cover this story.”

Chavez Warns Voters Not to Anger Him by Rejecting His New Constitution

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez warned voters that anyone voting against his proposed constitutional changes would be considered a "traitor." “People may vote freely, but they must also vote correctly,” Chavez said. “A ballot is too precious to be wasted on a wrong decision.”

The harsh words followed recent polling data showing that the fate of Chavez’s
proposed reforms was up in the air. It could be a case of overreaching. Addled Venezuelans who seem quite content to grant Chavez broad dictatorial powers for life including authority to shut down newspapers, television and radio stations and detaining citizens without charges, may have been spurred to reconsider after discovering that one of the new powers to be granted is droit du seigneur.

The droit du seigneur clause of the new constitution would give the president the legal right to engage in the first sexual congress of all newly weds. While Chavez has attempted to justify this clause on the grounds that he has “superior seed” this argument is not going over as well as he had hoped.

“Making to effort to try to ensure that the eldest child of each new family will be the best possible child is essential to the future strength of the nation,” Chavez argues. It remains to be seen whether this argument will hold sway in the election.

Murtha Admits “Surge” Is Working

Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) the congressman who has labeled U.S. troops in Iraq “cold-blooded killers of civilians” and the Bush policy a failure, just returned from a trip to Iraq. He now says the new strategy being employed by General Patraeus is working.

“U.S. troops are killing or capturing large numbers of al-Qaeda, seizing weapons caches and bringing a modicum of peace to many previously violent regions,” Murtha said. “At this rate, the war may be won before the November 2008 election.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) is reputedly furious that Murtha would make such a statement. “Whether it is true or not is not the point,” Pelosi complained. “Our entire strategy for next year’s election has been contingent on portraying the Iraq venture as a costly failure. All Democrats need to speak with one voice from the same script. We can’t have everyone shooting off his mouth and saying whatever he wants. It will confuse the voters.”

Trying to limit the damage to his position in the House leadership, Murtha has hastened to add that “the success of the military operations doesn’t prove that the Bush policy isn’t a failure. The Iraq Parliament is still wracked by partisan bickering. There is no single vision behind which all are united like there was prior to the U.S. invasion. A nation where power is divided between contending factions cannot be considered well-governed. So, in this important respect, it should be clear that the Bush Administration has failed.”

In related news, in a newly released audio tape, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden warned the U.S. “not to place too much importance on your victory over our forces in Iraq. Iraq was just a sideshow, a testing ground for tactics in our righteous jihad. Every casualty you inflict sends another martyr to heaven. You are playing into our hands with your foolish efforts. Once you have killed us all your petty triumphs will come to an end while we enjoy the eternal rewards of Paradise.”

Edwards Says Trial Lawyers Are Best Suited to Govern America

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards claims that trial lawyers are the true “philosopher kings” that Plato spoke of as the class best suited to rule. “Trial lawyers are the ‘angels of justice’ in America—taking from those who have and delivering to those in need,” Edwards said.

Edwards asserted that under his leadership the lowliest of Americans will be raised up to enjoy the lifestyle heretofore reserved to the productive classes. “Those who have worked hard and invested have taken more than their fair share from the common pot of our economy,” Edwards said. “Not everyone is born with such ability or motivation. This accident of birth must not be allowed to excuse the inequality we see all around us. A more even distribution must be enforced.”

The story of his own rise from a working class background to wealth and comfort will be a model for policy once he is president Edwards said. “As a trial lawyer I won billions for my clients and millions for myself,” Edwards boasted. “As president I will be everyone’s lawyer. There will be judgments for all. No one will have to work another day once we carve up the corporate goose and distribute the golden eggs to the people.”

Presidential rival Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) said while she agreed on the substance of Edwards’ perspective, she disagreed that Edwards offered the best hope for achieving the goal. “Electability is the key,” Clinton insisted. “Which Democrat has the best odds of winning in 2008? Well, I’d like to point out that 50 percent of voters are women and a significant portion of the rest are wimps. Given these numbers isn’t it obvious who has the best chance to win?”

Muslim Mob Demands Death

An armed mob of thousands of Sudanese held a loud demonstration in Khartoum’s “Martyrs Square” demanding that a British woman be put to death.

The controversy started in September when Gillian Gibbons, a second-grade teacher, allowed her seven year-old Muslim students to name a stuffed teddy bear. The class voted overwhelmingly to name the bear Muhammad, after the student who owned the toy. Muhammed, of course, is also the name of Islam’s prophet. For this Gibbons was sentenced to 15 days in prison and deportation.

"Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan,” declared Abdul-Jalil Nazeer al-Karouri, a Muslim cleric at Khartoum's main Martyrs Mosque. "This arrogant woman who came to our country, cashing her salary in dollars, teaching our children hatred of our Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him) deserves to be killed. Only infidel blood can quench Muslim thirst. That is the price that must be paid for her insult to the Prophet (may peace be upon him)."

Karouri held out hope that “a just punishment might yet be delivered by a
courageous cellmate or daring martyr during her remaining days in the country.”

In related news, the government of Saudi Arabia announced the release of 1500 al-Qaeda terrorists. “They have apologized to the Saudi government,” explained Fetid al-Kretin, spokesman for the Saudi Ministry of Justice. “There is no compelling reason to hold them any longer. Their Jihad against the unbelievers is explicitly sanctioned by Islamic