Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) warned Iowa Democrats against “falling for the seductive lies” of Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.). Clinton said that private detectives that she hired to investigate Obama’s background have uncovered what she labeled “frightening evidence of Senator Obama’s power lust.”

The evidence in question turns out to be a third-grade essay written by Obama entitled “I Want To Be a President.” “Senator Obama has implied that his interest in becoming president is a recent event,” Hillary said. “Supposedly, this stands in contrast to my so-called ‘obsession’ with returning to the White House. But if we look closely at the record we see that he has had his eye on this prize for almost four decades.”

In an effort to deflect Clinton’s attack, the Obama camp pointed out that the essay in question was about being “a” president. “Senator Clinton’s assertion that Senator Obama was planning his current presidential run back in 1969 won’t stand up under scrutiny,” said campaign spokesman Emile Littleman. “His essay said he wanted to be ‘a’ president. It didn’t specify a country. He could’ve meant Indonesia. He went to school there for awhile.“

Presidential rival, former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) downplayed Clinton’s
charges against Obama. “Kids say the darnedest things,” Edwards said. “As I
recall, when I was in the third-grade I wanted to be a ‘fairy princess.’ So, I think Senator Clinton is being a bit paranoid about this.”

In related news, Clinton also claimed that the Obama campaign was engaging in “dirty tricks.” “Several of our supporters have called our headquarters reporting that Obama’s campaign workers have called them on the phone and tried to persuade them not to vote for me,” Clinton alleged. “Obama’s minions are trying to undermine my support. It’s like they’re conducting a jihad against my right to be president. It’s underhanded. It’s un-American. It’s the kind of thing I will put a stop to once I’m president.”

Kennedy Autobiography Expected to Shine Light on Chappaquiddick Tragedy

Ted Kennedy, the 75 year-old Democratic senator from Massachusetts has just inked an $8 million deal with Twelve, a division of the Hachette Book Group to write his autobiography. A key term of the contract calls for a full exposition of the July 18, 1969 Chappaquiddick incident.

“While I never regarded the incident as a significant episode in my life, the publisher insisted that the book would be too dull without some coverage of the event,” Kennedy explained.

In an initial draft outline for the book Kennedy characterizes the Chappaquiddick incident as “my miraculous escape from death.” In the book the incident is expected to be placed in the context of the tragedies that have befallen the male members of the Kennedy clan. The oldest of Ted’s brothers, Joseph Jr., was killed in World War II. Brothers John and Robert were both assassinated in the 1960s.

As Ted recalls the incident, a scheming young woman plied him with liquor and lured him into a car to seduce him. Somehow, the car ended up going off a bridge into a tidal pond nearly killing him. “If I hadn’t been such a good swimmer, the nation would have had to try to cope with another tragic loss of one of its ‘best-and-brightest,’” Kennedy remembered. “As it was, scandal mongers used this tragedy to destroy my chance of becoming president.”

Kennedy called the $8 million “a small down-payment toward recompense for my extraordinary loss due to this one unfortunate event.”

Latest National Intelligence Estimate Raises Eyebrows

A new National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) states that the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) can finally announce that it has a "high confidence" that Japan actually did attack US fleet at Pearl Harbor in December of 1941 "or thereabouts."

"Good intelligence work takes time," said Moe Elman, CIA Public Relations director. "It is important to check every source and confirm its accuracy before jumping to hasty conclusions. The cost of a hasty and possibly erroneous conclusion could be significant. By taking the time to get it right we can be assured that we have effectively eliminated an excessively negative outcome."

The report also asserted that there is a “moderately high probability that hostile Japanese operations directed at the United States ended in the late 1940s” and recommended that the US refocus its attention on the “emerging Soviet threat.”

This latest NIE report contradicts a 2005 assessment that had blamed the Pearl Harbor disaster on “catastrophic equipment failure.” “Analysis of the wreckage indicated that the ships were destroyed by explosions occurring inside their hulls,” Elman explained. “It was only natural to conclude that the ships’ own ammunition was the cause of the disaster. But after painstakingly examining all the debris we discovered an unmistakable trace of Japanese aircraft parts and bomb fragments. Once we had this evidence we realized we were within just a few decades of cracking the mystery behind what happened on that fateful day.”

Survey Sheds Light on Democratic Policy Preferences

A recent poll conducted by the Gallup organization discovered that Republicans are significantly more likely than Democrats to rate their mental health as excellent. According to a November Gallup Health and Healthcare poll, “fifty-eight percent of Republicans report having excellent mental health, compared to 43 percent of independents and 38 percent of Democrats. This relationship between party identification and reports of excellent mental health persists even within categories of income, age, gender, church attendance, and education."

“It makes perfect sense when you think about it,” said Gallup Vice-President
Aaron Keene. “Given the dismal history of government performance in so many
areas--the rampant waste, fraud and abuse that attends virtually every government program--only the mentally deranged could advocate expanding the scope and authority of the public sector. Yet, this is precisely what we see from the leaders of the Democratic Party.”

Keene said his firm doesn’t have enough data to determine whether these
Democratic leaders are mentally ill themselves or are just pandering to their constituency. “It’s hard to say,” Keene said. “On the one hand, someone like Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) makes a strong case for leaders sharing the ills of Democratic voters. On the other hand, someone like former President Clinton appears to be a very agile panderer.”

Keene held out hope that some of the latest brain-scan technology might eventually be used to “help separate the ‘loons’ from the ‘liars.’ Of course, either way, it’s still scary that such a large percentage of voters have such poor mental health.”

Former Diplomats Endorse Hillary

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) received the endorsement of 32 former diplomats who were appointed to their posts during her husband’s administration. The endorsement letter hailed the former First Lady as the “defacto president” for the latter years of Bill Clinton’s term in office.

“While President Clinton was distracted from his duties and virtually paralyzed by the merciless harassment of rabid Republican partisans over his efforts to mentor a White House intern, Hillary quietly ran the government,” the letter read. “This makes her the only presidential candidate with actual national executive experience.”

The letter emphasized Hillary’s foreign policy acumen citing “the former First Lady’s masterful handling of delicate foreign policy matters in Africa, Asia and Europe—bringing peace and freedom to these troubled lands--is solid evidence demonstrating that she is the candidate with the strength and experience to restore America’s standing in the world and to return the United States to a position of global leadership.”