Bill Shaheen, co-chairman of Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign in New Hampshire, was forced to resign after making comments about rival candidate Senator Barack Obama. In an interview with The Washington Post, Shaheen warned that the Democratic Party should wary of nominating Obama as its candidate because of his past drug history.

In his memoir, "Dreams from My Father," Obama wrote that as a teen he smoked marijuana and drank alcohol, and occasionally would snort cocaine.

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) called the incident “unfortunate.” “We are running a clean and compassionate campaign,” Clinton said. “Despite Senator Obama’s prior drug abuse, we are operating under the assumption that he has made a full recovery. Whatever he may have done to support these expensive and illegal habits should not be held against him now that the statute of limitations has expired.”

Clinton said that she demanded Shaheen’s resignation “as a way of demonstrating that our campaign will not descend to the type of smear tactics we can expect from the vast right wing conspiracy in their desperate attempt to hold onto power.”

In his defense, Shaheen pointed out that “Obama has never proven that he didn’t sell drugs. For all we know he could’ve been a schoolyard pusher. I was just trying to save him from having his reputation destroyed by the Republican attack machine.”

In related news, the Clinton campaign’s pollster and chief strategist, Mark Penn, is reportedly in trouble for running a “stale and uninspiring” effort to win the nomination for Hillary. At issue is Penn’s decision to have Mrs. Clinton run for “reelection.” “Americans want to turn back the clock to the ‘golden years’ when the Clintons ran the country,” Penn says. “It’s really a restoration movement.”

Indications that this “movement” may be stalling is said to be likely to cost Penn his job. “Just because he was doing what I asked him to do doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for his actions,” Clinton said. “Somebody has to be held accountable for the decline in the polls and it isn't going to be me. I can assure you of that.”

ABC News Chastises Thompson

ABC News chastised Republican presidential candidate, former senator Fred
Thompson for what it called “an unwarranted attempt to inject controversy into the recent Iowa debate.”

The chastisement came in response to Thompson’s refusal to raise his hand in
affirmation of the moderator’s proposition that “global warming is a man-made crisis.”

“Everyone knows global warming is a settled issue,” ABC News spokesperson
Shirley Snider. “By implying that there may be divergent views, Thompson is
undermining public willingness to submit to the regulations needed to forestall disaster.”

The debate sponsored by The Des Moines Register and moderated by the paper’s editor, Carolyn Washburn, has been assessed to be “the worst so far” in a snap poll of 100 viewers.

Many found some of Ms. Washburn’s questions like “Can you suggest a New Year's Resolution for one of your opponents?" and “If you could be any animal, what would you be?” to be “inane” and “bizarre.”

Washburn asserted that her questions were “aimed at going beyond the hackneyed issues of national security, taxes and the economy and penetrating the deeper recesses of the human psyche. Policy is superficial. Voters need to know the soul of the person who is going to rule over them for the next four years.”

In related news, Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) was barred from The
Des Moines Register’s Democratic presidential debate on the grounds that “his campaign isn’t spending enough money in the state to be taken seriously.” “He hasn’t rented office space. He doesn’t have a paid staff in Iowa. And as far as I know, he hasn’t bought any ads in our paper,” Washburn explained. “Why  would voters want to hear what he has to say when he hasn’t put his money where his mouth is?”

Pelosi Says Republicans “Bloodthirsty, Heartless”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) lashed out at Republicans in the closing days of this congressional session, saying “They like this war. They want this war to continue until every last terrorist is killed. They’re that bloodthirsty."

Pelosi asserted that these are not sentiments shared by the American people. “The people are tired of this war,” Pelosi insisted. “They want to ‘change the channel.’”

“The notion that we might win the war is too risky,” Pelosi continued. “Quitting the war, as I have been urging, can be accomplished unilaterally and immediately. Winning requires collaboration and time to accomplish. In my opinion, time is something the American people aren't willing to give.”

The Speaker also expressed frustration over the Republicans' ability to outmaneuver the Democratic majority on taxes, spending, energy, and other matters. “They’re wrecking the economy. Women, children and minorities are hit the hardest by these heartless bastards,” Pelosi complained.

“Things will be different after the 2008 election,” Pelosi vowed. “Democrats will have the presidency and a bigger majority. We will no longer tolerate the incivility and rudeness of Republican obstructionists.”

Pelosi suggested that uncooperative members of congress could be expelled if
their opposition is “too extreme or persistent.” “There is business to be done and we mean to do it,” Pelosi asserted. “We’ll do whatever we must to get the job done.”


What Readers Are Saying About “Semi-News”….

The Arizona Conservative outperforms ScrappleFace in insidious, draw-you-in-slowly, devastating satire.

Paraphrasing De Niro in Analyze This: "You... you! You're good!"

I am laughing too hard to read! Funny stuff!

Thanks John. This was an award-winning spoof.

The Arizona Conservative is subtle razor-sharp satire. The facts are essentially true.

Those “semi-news” stories were excellent! Well done!

John Semmens writes satire. It is GREAT satire, though.

Your satire is the most biting I’ve ever seen. Excellent. Awesome!

LOL....very funny. You do excellent satire, John.

ROFL. Another good one Mr. Semmens!

Very humorous, with a bite. I really enjoy sharp satire, and you have mixed it so seemlessly with reality, I found myself reading a couple of times and then laughing out loud.

Thank you for bringing some humor to my day. Your satire is great!!

To quote Reagan: “…there you go again.” (as usual, excellent)

I love these regular satire posts.

LOL! The whole column reads like “The Best of the Onion!"

You’re my benchmark of quality for this sort of thing John.