Former President Bill Clinton says his wife is a “world-class genius” when it comes to improving the lives of others. Clinton contended that the ability to help others the most important quality in a president.

“The reason she ought to be president, over and above her vision and her plans is that she has proven in every position she has ever had in life, whether it was in elected office or not, that she is a world-class genius in making positive changes in other people’s lives,” he said. “Look what she did for me. How many other wives would tolerate their husband’s need for casual sex with a broad spectrum of women? How many could endure the public
humiliation of a spouse’s tawdry scandals?”

Clinton insisted that Hillary’s ability to perceive his needs, facilitate
their achievement, and put up with the public’s prejudicial attitudes toward
him “demonstrates the kindness and compassion we need from a president.”

Clinton lauded his wife for her leadership in the U.S. Senate, calling her
“an agent of change. She’s got the right vision, big plans and a proven
ability to change lives for the better. To Hillary, no effort is too arduous
and no price too high to pay for the change America needs. If voters will
only give her the reins she will drive this country to the promised land.”

In related news, the “Hillary for President” campaign has registered the
names of two Web sites with the express goal of attacking rival, Senator
Barack Obama (D-Ill.). Votingpresent.com and Votingpresent.org are the web
sites that will be devoted to “exposing the cowardice of this presidential
pretender.” According to these web sites “on numerous occasions Obama has
evaded taking a firm position on controversial issues. Can America really
afford this type of waffling and incompetence from its next president?”

Gore: Everyone Who Opposes Me Is Corrupt

The U.S. Senate report indicating that over 400 scientists have “voiced
significant objections to major aspects of the so-called ‘consensus’ on
man-made global warming” was dismissed by Nobel Laureate Al Gore as
“unworthy of consideration.”

“Man-made global warming is settled science,” Gore asserted. “Anyone who
contests this fact cannot really be called a scientist. They’re no better
than those who appeased Hitler.”

Gore charged that these “so-called scientists have likely been tainted or
corrupted by corporate cash from the petroleum industry. They are putting
their own financial advantage ahead of their responsibility to Mother
Nature. Contempt shall be their wages for such apostasy.”

The former vice-president rejected suggestions that his own financial
gains—rumored to total over $100 million—from touting global warming might
“taint” his credibility. “When you are doing God’s work you can expect to be
rewarded,” Gore said. “The abundance of that reward is but further evidence
of the truth of my cause.”

Al-Qaeda Theologist Urges End to Current Jihad

In a manifesto written from his Egyptian prison, Sayyed Imam al-Sharif
blasted Osama bin Laden for leading Muslims into a losing battle against the
unbelievers. Sharif called for a special Islamic court to try Osama bin
Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri.

The manifesto has opened a rift at the leadership of al-Qaeda. Zawahiri, an
Egyptian and former associate, mocked Sharif for allowing himself to be
taken prisoner. “Why did he not flee as the rest of the leaders have?”
Zawahiri taunted. “In prison he cannot behead our enemies, terrorize women
and children or martyr himself. So why should we care what he has to say
now?”

Many Western analysts are saying the defection of Sharif signals the
beginning of the end for al-Qaeda. U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
(D-Nev.), however, is having none of that. Calling this development and the
al-Qaeda setbacks in Iraq a “momentary downturn in the fortunes of war,”
Reid said “al-Qaeda has regrouped and is able to continue to fight the Bush
Administration’s aggression.”

“The President insists that his message of freedom and prosperity is one
that will inspire people everywhere,” Reid remarked. “Not everyone agrees.
Freedom is not a universal cultural value. Prosperity only caters to
materialistic greed. The U.S. needs to be more open to different values in
both our foreign and domestic policies. Hopefully, the voters will vindicate
a broader vision when they cast their ballots for the next president and
congress.”

In related news, many Muslim women in Western nations are undergoing painful
vaginal surgery to “revirginize” themselves for their wedding nights. Muslim
brides who do not prove their virginity via a bloody nuptial intercourse
risk being murdered by male relatives whose honor they have thereby
besmirched. Aisha Salim, a bride-to-be, said she hopes her willingness to
undergo this procedure “will encourage Muslim men to get the brain surgery
so many of them desperately need.”

School Girl Arrested for Cutting Food with Knife

A 10-year old Florida girl brought a small kitchen knife to cut the left
over steak her mother had packed her for lunch. The girl was arrested by
police alerted by school officials and now faces a felony weapons charge.

School officials defended what many are calling a “hysterical
 over-reaction.” “We must remain fully vigilant,” explained school
spokesperson Margaret Schnook. “If we overlook seemingly innocent incidents
like this who knows what the next escalation might be. Do we really want to
risk hordes of 10-year old girls slicing meats, peeling fruits or who knows
what else in our schools?”

Schnook rejected criticisms suggesting that the school should use “common
sense” in such instances. “It’s easy for outsiders to urge that we use
so-called common sense,” Schnook complained. “But where would we draw the
line using such a vague standard? None of our staff has been trained in
‘common sense.’ Colleges of education offer no courses in it. ‘Zero
tolerance’ requires no judgment or common sense. It is a simple and easy to
understand standard. You don’t have to be a Solomon to enforce it.”

Being marched off the school grounds by police was viewed as a “two-edged
sword.” “While we have sympathy for the fear and humiliation suffered by
this girl, we also must view this prospect as a powerful deterrent against
infractions by others,” Schnook observed. “Publicity over this incident
should forewarn mothers to more thoroughly slice their children’s foods if
they are going to pack a lunch. I guess those who can’t learn from this will
have to get used to picking their children up at police headquarters.”

Prof Says Business Owners Ought to Be Obliged to Be Multilingual

Testifying in the case against Philadelphia sandwich proprietor Joey Vento,
who as owner of Geno’s Steaks purportedly discriminated against non-English
speaking patrons by posting a “Speak English” sign at his South Philadelphia
shop, University of Pennsylvania professor Camille Charles insisted that
business owners have an obligation to be multi-lingual.

“No one should be humiliated by being asked to use English or by being
misunderstood for speaking a foreign language,” Charles argued. Pointing out
that the number of foreign-born residents living in the South Philadelphia
neighborhood near Geno’s grew more than 200 percent between 1980 and 2000,
the sociology professor said “Mr. Vento’s failure to learn the languages of
his customers created a ‘Jim Crow’ like atmosphere of intimidation.”

Citing the business adage “the customer is always right,” Charles urged that
vendors dealing directly with the public be required to pass “appropriate
language tests” to ensure at least a “minimal level of comprehension of the
variety of languages spoken in the neighborhood.”

“I’m not saying that Mr. Vento has to be totally fluent in Spanish, Chinese
or whatever,” Charles said. “But if he can’t understand basic food-related
terms in these languages he has no business being in business.”