The term "war on terror" will no longer be used by the British government says the country's chief prosecutor, Sir Ken Macdonald. This decision follows a determination made earlier in 2007 to replace the word “Islamic terrorist” with “differently-faithed naughty person.”

Macdonald said he sees the revised language as a way of “deescalating the situation.” “Calling it a war on terror merely encourages them,” Macdonald insisted.

While immediate replacement terminology was not forthcoming, Macdonald said they would be “test marketing” several candidate descriptions in the ensuing months. Among the descriptions leaked to the media, “action against unpleasantness” appears to be first out of the starting gate. Even this, though, has been criticized as “too negative” by some.

“The words ‘action’ and ‘against’ may be too belligerent,” said government spokesman, Nigel Waverling. “And ‘unpleasantness’ may be construed as too judgmental.”

Those in tune with the trend of timidity sweeping the government are banking on a more pusillanimous choice of words. “I’m thinking it’ll be something like ‘effort to modify non-conforming behavior,’” Waverling suggested. “I mean, ‘effort to modify’ is far less antagonistic than ‘action against.’ And ‘non-conforming behavior’ avoids the stigmatizing pall of ‘unpleasantness.’”

In related news, the government announced a major investment in technology to crack down on motorists who smoke, eat or use a telephone while driving. Calling these habits a “menace to the nation’s well-being,” Conrad Twitty, spokesman for the Home Office assured that “all the necessary steps will be taken to deter this scourge.”

The hi-tech devices, which cost nearly £18,000 apiece, include DVD cameras with instant playback that will be used to provide photographic evidence against offending drivers. Plans to install up to 10 million of the devices are in the works.

Clinton Says Electing Her President Will Guarantee Lower Fuel Prices

Presidential candidate, Senator Mrs. Bill Clinton (D-N.Y.), told a crowd of New Hampshire Democratic voters that all they need to do in order to ensure lower fuel prices is elect her president next November. “My ‘two-pronged plan’ to lower fuel prices will mean lower heating bills and driving costs,” the New York senator promised.

The “supply side prong” calls for comprehensive price-controls. “Under my administration, oil profiteering will come to an end,” Clinton said. “Corporate greed feeding off of human need will be stopped. If we have to seize control of fuel producers to accomplish this—well, they’ve been warned.”

The “demand side prong” calls for a ban on nonessential travel. “Too many people are making too many unnecessary trips,” Clinton contended. “They’re driving alone to work when they should be carpooling or riding the bus. They’re going out to dinner or a movie when they should be eating at home and watching TV. People need to rethink their habits. Under my plan, household access to gasoline will be strictly rationed and monitored. Those who really need it will be authorized to buy it at government controlled prices. This will reduce waste and lower costs.”

While Clinton’s Democratic supporters showed enthusiasm for her plan, economists give it little chance of success. “You can’t repeal the laws of supply and demand by government diktat,” Professor of economics at George Mason University, Walter Williams warned. “Price-controls will guarantee shortages and long lines at the pump. Seizing control of producers will inject inefficiency into fuel production and deter investment. Having the government ration fuel and try to determine which uses are ‘essential’ is a recipe for corruption.”

In related news, it has been revealed that Clinton’s Tennessee campaign steering committee includes two convicted felons. Clinton brushed aside queries and criticisms stating that “The Democratic Party has always prided itself on the breadth of its representation. Former felons are people, too. They bring a unique perspective to the table. I am privileged to have them on my team.”

Pelosi Calls Last Session of Congress “Greatest Ever”

Despite polls indicating that public approval ratings for Congress have sunk to 32 percent—a level below when Republicans were in control—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) claims the 2007 session was the most significant in the history of the United States.

While surveys show that the public perceives that nothing of significance has been accomplished, Pelosi says that "the House has had a remarkable level of achievement. While the election of the first female Speaker in history, by itself, makes this session the greatest ever, there have been many other substantive accomplishments.”

One of the “substantive accomplishments” cited by Pelosi was a bill requiring drain covers in pools and spas. According to Pelosi, the bill “will put an end to the carnage that impedes American families’ enjoyment of backyard pools and hot tubs.”

“There were some other bills, too,” Pelosi continued. “I think they had something to do with foreign policy or maybe taxes, I can’t recall exactly. But I’m sure they were important achievements.”

The Speaker said that voters could look forward to another productive year leading up to the November 2008 elections. “We will continue to work tirelessly for the American people so we can retain their trust,” Pelosi promised.

Russia Revises History Textbook

Calling existing most textbooks “Russophobic, the Putin Regime has approved a revised version. The new Russian history textbook praises President Vladimir Putin as “a savior in the heroic tradition of Joseph Stalin.”

"I have analyzed books on Russian history in neighboring countries and come to the conclusion that our neighbors excel at educational Russophobia," said Alexander Filippov, editor of the new textbook. “They portray Soviet domination of Eastern Europe as a bad thing. Overlooked is the fact that Russian tanks are all that stood between these nations and Western decadence. As we have seen, since the withdrawal of this protection these countries have been flooded with Western goods. They now wallow in a pit of material abundance and temptation.”

The new textbook’s coverage of much of the twentieth century’s history will likely be regarded as controversial in many circles. Stalin, for example is called “efficient” and a “genius.”

The purges of the 1930s that saw fake trials send many to summary execution or torture in harsh prison camps near the Arctic Circle are described as “delousing” campaigns aimed at “ridding the state of saboteurs, counterrevolutionaries and parasites.”

The 1939 non-aggression pact with Hitler that launched World War II is characterized as a clever ploy to lure the fascist dictator to his doom. The 23 million Soviet citizens killed in the war are said to be the necessary price paid for “liberating Eastern Europe from Nazi tyranny.”

Over all, the Stalin era is portrayed as a veritable “golden age.” “The people were united behind a great leader,” Filippov said. “Troublemakers were easily dealt with. We won the war. It was a great time for Russians.”

The textbook also has good things to say about the Brezhnev regime, which is lauded for imposing the discipline needed to overcome the laxities of the Khrushchev years. Gorbachev is seen as “an unwitting tool of capitalism.” And the 1990s under Yeltsin, Russia's first post-Soviet leader, are described as a "crisis" that Putin has had to work mightily to abate.