Bill Clinton voiced his anger at the media's “biased” coverage of his wife’s campaign and suggested that this will force Hillary to go negative on Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.).

“My wife spent 8 years as ‘assistant president’ and 12 years as ‘assistant governor’ of Arkansas,” Clinton asserted. “The media isn’t giving her the credit for this governing experience. Instead, they continue dredging up old charges.”

Clinton insisted that “my wife and I have been totally exonerated of every single charge ever leveled against us. We never stole a nickel. No one ever handed us a bribe. There are no credible living witnesses to any of the supposed crimes that we are alleged to have committed.”

On the flip side, Clinton contended that “Obama is getting a ‘free pass’ on some crucial issues.” “You know, Obama is half white,” Clinton reminded. “Yet, he is lionized as the ‘first black candidate’ to win a primary. Of course, you never hear that the other half isn’t really ‘black’ as Americans understand it. It’s Muslim. In this era of Islamic jihad would it be prudent to elect a president who is half Muslim? That’s the kind of question the media should be asking.”

In related news, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) found herself dealing with a New Hampshire rally attendee’s confusion regarding her pledge to “work for change.” The question from Democratic precinct chairwoman Martha Luney left Mrs. Clinton at a momentary loss of words. “Wouldn’t it be undignified for the president to have to hustle for spare change?” Luney asked. “Even though it might save millions on salary, isn’t the deficit in the billions?”

“You raise some good points,” Mrs. Clinton replied. “It’s just a proposal right now. The idea will be thoroughly analyzed by my advisors for its social and fiscal impacts before a definite decision to go ahead is made.”

Presidential rival Obama pounced on Clinton’s “gaffe.” “With half the people of this country living on the streets, many subsisting on spare change, the least the president can do is work without a salary,” Obama declared. “That is what I pledge to do until this nation comes together as one.”

The confusion may be widespread among Democratic voters. A survey indicated that among the Democrats voting for “change” about a third of them interpret this to mean that the candidates are promising to personally give away their spare change. Elroy Addleson, a Democratic caucus participant from Iowa was one of these. “It’s a question of generosity,” Addleson said. “When a person gives spare change to a poor man he’s saying he cares about him. That’s the kind of person I want to be our next president.”

Europeans Demand Right to Vote in U.S. Elections

Contending that U.S. policies have a “global impact,” a Brussels newspaper editorial demands that Europeans be allowed to vote for the U.S. president.

“The United States is the wealthiest nation on Earth, how dare they hoard this wealth and not share it with the less endowed peoples of the world?” the editors of De Standaard ask.

The editorial reasoned that the U.S. presence in liberating the continent from Nazi tyranny and guarding against the Soviet threat for four decades after World War II made Europeans the “ipso facto” wards of the U.S. government.

“The United States has robbed us of our independence, sapping our ability to take care of ourselves. Our own governments have become flabby and irresolute. America’s current focus on the Iraq War and Islamic terrorism has left us feeling neglected and abandoned.”

The editorial suggested that allowing Europeans to vote in American elections “would help ensure proper respect for Europeans’ human rights.” “The domestic dependents of the United States’ government are able to protect their access to benefits by being allowed to vote. Foreign dependents should have the same means to ensure that their interests receive adequate attention,” the editors wrote.

Environmentally Mandated Light Bulbs May Damage Health

British doctors are warning that mandating environmentally friendly light bulbs poses health risks. New energy-saving fluorescent bulbs produce an intense light that may cause eruptions of eczema or increased incidences of skin cancer. Skin damage isn’t the only worry, though. These lights can also trigger migraines, dizziness, and spark seizures in people with epilepsy.

Such bulbs have been made mandatory in a variety of locations including the United Kingdom, Australia, Nova Scotia, California, Connecticut, North Carolina and Rhode Island.

The health warning was issued by Spectrum, a consortium of charities working with people with light sensitive health conditions, and the British Association of Dermatologists. Andrew Langford, chief executive officer of Skin Care Campaign, one of the charities involved, said: “Incandescent light bulbs are the only source of electric light for many thousands of people with light sensitive conditions. The government simply must allow incandescent light bulbs to be available to these people, their families, friends and employers, and at a fair price.”

Global environmental crusader, Al Gore, minimized the threat. “Only a small number of people would be affected,” Gore observed. “While each individual case may be heartbreaking, the over all impact is tiny. It’s a sacrifice we must be willing to make in order to save the planet from total destruction.”

Total conversion of all incandescent light bulbs to fluorescent bulbs is projected to reduce total CO2 emissions from all sources by less than two-hundredths of one percent (about one molecule in 7,000).

Edwards Says His Phone Call Helped Defuse Tensions in Pakistan

In an interview on the Today show, former North Carolina senator and Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards claimed that it was a phone call from him to Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf in the hours after the assassination of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto that “was a calming influence” that helped short-circuit an “international crisis.”

“It was a very tense time,” Edwards said. “I told Musharraf that I had received an instantaneous spiritual message from the departed Bhutto asking me to intervene for peace. I assured him that those who committed this act, as well as their corporate enablers, could be held financially liable. And that suing them would be a more rewarding course of action.”

Purported parties to the suit, as Edwards sees it are al-Qaeda (in absentia), arms manufacturers, the dealer and manufacturer of Bhutto’s car, the construction firm that built the street on which the attack took place, and an unspecified number of “John Does” who would be named later.

Edwards said his “quick action” and “persuasive message of peace and prosperity” helped defuse the crisis and proves he is “ready for the Presidency.”

Follow-up investigation revealed that the phone number Edwards says he called is for a restaurant called the “Little Pakistan Deli” in New York City.

Hamas Kidnaps Fatah Official, Shaves Mustache

In an incident Muslim clerics have called a “chilling escalation,” Hamas security agents kidnapped Ibrahim Abu al-Naja, one of Fatah’s senior leaders in the Gaza Strip and shaved off his moustache.

Amidst the bombings, rocket attacks and shootings that dominate Palestinian politics, Westerners are baffled by the severe reaction to what is a common fraternity prank in the United States.

“Shedding blood is the honorable way to deal with political opponents and infidels,” said Imam Yasser Asser, Gaza’s most revered Muslim cleric. “But this is a defilement, a humiliation worse than death.”

Pressure is building for Naja to avenge his honor by a suicide attack on an Israeli school. “The Zionists are the root of all our troubles,” Asser said. “Muslims will not be able to live in brotherhood until the Jewish presence is exterminated.”

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.