Obama Blasts Bush

 

Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) addressed the 35th annual legislative conference of the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation, a non-profit group that lobbies the 43 black members of Congress and others to enact legislation for social, economic and educational development. 

 

"Generation after generation of inner-city blacks have been stuck in a cycle of poverty and crime," said Obama. "For this I blame President Bush."

 

"Sure, the government provides homes for poor blacks, but they're only apartments," complained Obama. "These homes have cable TV, but it's only basic cable. The government gives them food stamps, but we let them waste them on junk food or trade them for liquor and cigarettes."

 

"These wretched conditions lead too many blacks to hopeless lives of crime and substance abuse," Obama continued. "Shamefully, most of the crimes are committed against other blacks. We need a program to more equitably distribute the victimization to non-minorities and upper-class neighborhoods."

 

Obama urged conference attendees to get behind his "Crime Equalization Act"--legislation that would provide funding to disperse some of the worst criminal elements currently concentrated in minority neighborhoods more evenly across the nation.

 

Call for Voter Photo IDs Riles Democrats

 

The Commission on Federal Election Reform is trying to restore public confidence in national elections by recommending voters be required to obtain and show a free photo ID before casting a ballot. Critics of the recommendation suggested that having to acquire the ID cards in order to vote could be an obstacle for illegal aliens, felons and the deceased.

 

“It is already hard enough for these under-privileged minorities to cast ballots,” said John Conyers (D-MI). “Illegal aliens are harassed by INS agents. Felons have been cruelly incarcerated. The deceased are mobility-challenged. We need to be opening doors, not putting up barricades.”

 

“These are traditionally Democratic constituencies,” said John Lewis, (D-GA). “Imposing onerous ID requirements is a Republican ploy to suppress the Democratic voter turnout.” Lewis cited a recent poll showing that 84% of illegal aliens would forego voting if they were required to show a photo ID.

 

Leroy Brown, convicted of armed robbery in 1997 and currently out on parole, expressed his outrage over the recommendation. “Republicans be ‘defranchising’ me so they can steal the election,” said Brown.

 

Kerry, Edwards Criticize Bush Hurricane Response

 

Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) and former Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) criticized President Bush for his response to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.

 

“We need a blue-ribbon panel to evaluate the nuances of the disaster, not the hasty rush of relief proposed by President Bush,” said Kerry. “A person who served in Viet Nam and won three Purple Hearts would’ve been better prepared for this disaster.”

 

“I see two Americas,” said Edwards. “One of these Americas is inundated with hurricane flood waters. The other is high and dry. This kind of inequality is not right. We need a plan to equalize the suffering. Only Democrats have the vision necessary to carry out such a plan.”

 

Republican National Committee Press Secretary Tracey Schmitt assailed the criticism. “John Kerry has always been hasty with his criticisms,” said Schmitt. “I guess we’re supposed to see his dithering over ‘nuances’ as evidence of intellect rather than an inability to make decisions.”

 

“As for Edwards, he’s been seeing two Americas wherever he goes,” said Schmitt. “This type of double-vision makes him dangerous behind the wheel of a car or at the helm of a nation. We suggest he get his vision checked.”

 

Farrakhan Says Bush Blew Levee

 

Nation of Islam leader Minister Louis Farrakhan claims that President Bush deliberately destroyed the New Orleans levee in order to kill black people. Farrakhan told a North Carolina audience: "I heard from a very reliable source who saw a hooded President Bush lead a gang of Ku Klux Klansmen to bomb the levee."

 

Farrakhan said the bombing was foretold in a documentary video called The Beast of Saturday Night Live that he rented from Blockbuster several years ago. “This documentary showed uncloaked KKK members claiming to be from France,” said Farrakhan. “But they were really extraterrestrials with cone-shaped heads that perfectly matched the hats worn by the Klan.”

 

Farrakhan asserted that the accuracy of the documentary was affirmed by the appearance of Air America Radio’s Al Franken in an undercover role as “Stuart Smalley” in the video.

 

Mock Polar Bears Storm Capitol

 

Environmentalists in polar bear costumes descended on Washington to protest proposed oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR). Busloads of lobbyists from across the U.S. and Canada plan to join the protest, which will include a drum procession by naive Americans.

 

Robert Kennedy, Jr., of the Natural Resources Defense Council (NRDC), is one of the featured protesters. “ANWR is the ‘crown jewel’ of the Arctic,” said Kennedy. “It is a land so remote, so cold and inhospitable that no one has ever visited it. We think it should stay that way.”

 

Kennedy scoffed at the rising price of gasoline that is motivating many to reconsider whether opening up 1 percent of Alaska to drilling might be a good idea. “For years, we’ve been saying that gasoline prices should be $5 a gallon,” said Kennedy. “At $3 a gallon, we’re only part way there.”

 

Kennedy also dismissed reports that Alaskan wildlife has been thriving since drilling began. “NRDC’s goal is neither to promote wildlife nor improve access to resources,” said Kennedy. “Our goal is to defend resources against all uses—human or wildlife—to preserve them in their natural state in perpetuity.”