Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.), who has endorsed Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.), expressed his disgust at what he called Bill Clinton’s “lies” in the current battle for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Kerry pointed out that the former president’s “license to abuse the truth was revoked back in 2001.” “Mr. Clinton is a convicted liar,” Kerry declared. “In fact, the court ordered him disbarred from practicing law as punishment for his perjury in the Monica Lewinski scandal. Voters should keep this in mind and judge everything he says accordingly.”

Bill Clinton, who is facing increasing criticism for aggressively interjecting himself into his wife’s presidential campaign, defended his role as a “heroic effort to save the country from making a grave mistake.” “Listen, I’ve got to call a spade a spade,” Clinton said. “Obama has abused drugs. He’s taken money from special interests. He’s disrespecting women by attacking my wife. I don’t think he can’t be trusted to run the country.”

Clinton bolstered his case by citing Obama’s links to Antoin "Tony" Rezko, an Illinois real estate investor who has been indicted on federal fraud and extortion charges. “This crook has donated money to Obama’s presidential campaign,” Clinton said. “What does that tell you about Obama’s integrity?”

Clinton brushed aside his own prior association with Rezko and his wife’s links to Norman Hsu’s illegal campaign finance activities as “old and irrelevant news.” “We need to focus on what’s happening right now, not get bogged down in the past,” Clinton insisted. Clinton asserted that the statute of limitations has expired on these earlier charges against him and his wife, saying in addition that “the money raised by Hsu was for Hillary’s senate campaign. It’s not fair to bring it up during her presidential campaign. It’s a dirty trick that I hope voters will punish at the polls.”

Advisers to Senator Clinton’s campaign have concluded that Bill Clinton’s slander against Obama is resonating well with Democratic voters and say we can expect more of it. “It’s just politics,” said campaign spokesperson, Ivy de Nigrato. “If voters are buying it, who’s to say whether it’s untrue? Besides, Obama shouldn’t have gotten into the game if he can’t take a hit.”

In related news, bloggers at the al-Ekhlaas terrorist Internet forum expressed optimism over the prospect of the Clintons returning to power the United States. “We had our best days when the sex-addict was in the White House,” wrote Anal Ramhard. “When his dim-witted wife is elected we will turn defeat into victory.”

Islam on the March

Terrorism isn’t the only weapon in Islam’s quest for a global caliphate. Parallel with the bombings, beheadings and shootings, are efforts to use legal and political means for advancing the cause.

In the Netherlands, Muslim agitators are demanding that the government prosecute Geert Wilders for his avowed intention of making a film critical of the portions of the Koran that counsel attacks on unbelievers. Chairman of the National Moroccan Council, Mohamed Rabbid, asserted that “criticism of the words of the Prophet (may peace be upon him) cannot be tolerated. Prosecution is the best of outcomes for Wilders. The alternative, should the government fail to suppress this outrage, will only be worse. Muslims should not be driven to take matters into their own hands.”

In the United Kingdom, a court ruled that a digital version of the “Three Little Pigs” story cannot be shown in public schools. The rationale is that a story in which the main characters are pigs is offensive to Muslim students. Though no Muslim groups have stepped forward to demand this censorship, the Court ruled that “it is better to anticipate trouble and head it off. If that means we have to abide by Sharia standards in our public institutions, so be it. Pigs aren’t that important to non-Muslims. Why insist on inserting them into the curriculum?” The court suggested that educational goals could be attained by modifying the story—replacing the pigs with chickens, camels, or “other creatures” less offensive to the Muslim cohort in the student body.

In Iowa, state lawmakers were stunned when a Muslim Imam invited to offer a prayer to open the 2008 session called upon “Allah to grant victory over those who disbelieve and to grant the faithful protection from the ‘Great Satan.’” “We’re trying to be ecumenical here,” said Senator Evan Meeker (D-Ames), an attendee at the opening prayer session. “We’re bending over to accommodate these people, to try to make them like us. But I got this creepy feeling that this guy was calling for a jihad against me and America.” Meeker said he was not reassured by the Council on American Islamic Relations’ (CAIR) claim that “this is just the way we talk.”

In Malaysia, the Islamic government has decreed that supermarkets must provide separate lines for men and women. Chief Minister Nik Aziz Nik Mat has called for the separate lines to “prevent Muslim women from enticing Muslim men into the temptation to rape them.” “The Muslim man is naturally lusty and virile,” Mat boasted. “Forcing these men to wait in line next to women evokes this virility and brings their lust to unbearable levels. Under such circumstances, none could be blamed for acting on impulse to assault these provocative females. Keeping them separated is the prudent course.” Mat characterized the action as a compromise. “Ideally, unrelated men and women shouldn’t be in the same building,” Mat contended.

In Afghanistan, a court sentenced Sayad Parwez Kambaksh, a journalism student, to death for distributing a paper he printed off the Internet. The three-judge panel declared that the paper denigrated Islam. “This paper defiles Islam by claiming that it is intolerant and encourages violence,” said Fazel Wahab, the chief judge in the province of Balkh, where the trial took place. “It is, therefore, in accord with Islamic law, and Article 130 of the Afghan constitution, that Kambaksh be put to death.”

Arizona Governor Eyes Speeders as Source of Revenue

Arizona’s Governor, Janet Napolitano (D), plans to use new photo radar and other speed enforcement technology on state highways to generate revenue to help close the state’s budget deficit. Her proposal projects at least $120 million in revenue per year from the program. This is about a tenth of a forecast $1.2 billion deficit.

Napolitano acknowledged that the technology was sold to the public as a means of promoting safety, but said it would be foolish to overlook its revenue raising potential. "Since the majority of the traffic on our roads exceeds the speed limit, we realized we’re sitting on a potential gold mine here,” she said. “We figured, why not stick it to them. After all, they’re breaking the law by speeding.”

While many states use photo radar, Arizona is the leader in moving toward a comprehensive deployment of the technology on all its highways. “Those who choose to drive in Arizona will be watched,” Napolitano warned. “When they get out of line, that’s when we bring the hammer down. It’s for the collective good of the whole state.”

Critics of the scheme assert that most posted speed limits are set below levels recommended by engineering guidelines and that the governor’s plan would turn the entire State Highway system into a giant “speed trap.” The governor admitted that the “trap” feature of her plan was critical to the financial objectives of her proposal. “If people can’t slow down on their own, they can always use public transportation,” Napolitano suggested. “There is no danger that buses or the forthcoming light rail will exceed the speed limit.”

Cuban Parliament to Decide Fidel's Future

Raúl Castro, Cuba's interim leader during his brother Fidel’s illness, has announced that the country's new parliament will decide on the political future of ailing leader Fidel Castro in February. Fidel handed power over to his younger brother in 2006. He has not appeared in public since then.

Opinion is pretty evenly divided between those who want Fidel stuffed and mounted like Lenin and Mao were, and those who say he should simply be recycled into organic compost. “Fidel was, of course, the greatest Communist of all time, and a public display would enable the people to have a constant reminder of that greatness,” Raúl said. “But there are those who say ‘green’ is the modern manifestation of Communism’s ideals. These people argue that composting Fidel will be a better tribute to the cause Fidel fought for all his life.”

Kucinich Withdraws from Presidential Race

Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) dropped out of the race for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination saying he has done as much as he could to save the country from the clutches of right-wing extremism, which apparently includes his rivals for the Democratic nod. “Clinton and Obama talk the talk, but they can’t be counted on to walk the walk,” Kucinich complained.

Kucinich asserted that their “piecemeal approach to socialism would deny the people of America the benefits of a caring and nurturing government for at least another generation.” “We need to replace the cold, cruel world of capitalistic competition with the comforting environment of government modeled on the way a family cares for its children,” Kucinich said. “If government made sure everyone ate right, got enough sleep, brushed their teeth—all the things your mom made you do—we’d have a healthier, happier America.”

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.