JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News -- A Satirical Look at Recent News
 

Mrs. Clinton Incensed that Gore Might Endorse Obama

Feb. 9, 2008

Rumors that former vice-president Al Gore is going to endorse Senator Barack Obama (Ill.) for the Democratic presidential nomination has Senator Hillary Clinton (N.Y.) “spitting mad.”

“It’s blatant disloyalty and ingratitude,” Clinton complained. “Gore was an unremarkable senator from a ‘hick’ state when he rode Bill’s coattails to the vice-presidency. He was nothing, I tell you, nothing. We made him famous. We gave him a platform to launch his own presidential campaign and this is how he repays us?”

Sources close to Gore say that he is dumbstruck by the vehemence of Clinton’s reaction to what he characterized as a “premature rumor.” “Yeah, Bill gave Al a semen-stained platform built on a foundation of perjury to launch his presidential bid in 2000,” said a source close to Gore insisting on anonymity. “He just hasn’t found a way yet to properly repay the Clinton’s for that debt, but he’s working on it.”

Perhaps recalling the impact of Gore’s endorsement of one-time Vermont governor Howard Dean in the 2004 campaign, Obama is reputed to have urged Gore to “shun politics and continue his essential work to end climate change.”

Mexican President Elated by U.S. Presidential Primary Results

Mexican President Felipe Calderon said he is buoyed by the fact that Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) has a virtual lock on the Republican presidential nomination.

“The anti-immigrant candidates have been put in their place by their own electorate,” Calderon boasted after the Super Tuesday primaries. “Now, no matter who wins next November, the way will be open for our people to reclaim the lands taken from us by Yankee aggression in the 1800s.”

Calderon said he is about to embark on a five-day U.S. trip that will end in California, where he is scheduled to meet with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and migrant groups to negotiate “a new path and a new policy for the future of this land.”

“Our immediate goal will be to generate support for immigration reform that will permit complete freedom of travel for Mexicans in the U.S.,” Calderon asserted. “We have a right to go wherever we want, whenever we want. And as Senator McCain has pointed out, there are jobs Americans won’t do. With the help of the next president and Congress, we are going to take those jobs.”

Calderon also said “sooner or later, Americans will come to understand that they must accommodate themselves to the Latino future that is in store for them.”

British Archbishop Urges Government to Adopt Sharia Law

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, says that the quicker his country adjusts to Islam’s Sharia law, the sooner there will be peace.

“Look, its inevitable anyway,” Williams insisted. “They’re coming here in droves. They’re breeding like rabbits. It’s just a matter of time before we’re overwhelmed by the Muslims. Why fight it?”

Williams called the British nation a “spent force.” “We’ve had our ‘finest hour,’” Williams said. “We’re now just an effete shadow of our former selves. It’s time we learn new ways. If we can get ahead-of-the-curve on this we can avoid a lot of bloodshed.”

The Archbishop rebuffed critics who felt that his disdainful use of a Churchill quote was disrespectful of the achievements of his country in staving off the Nazis. “Churchill had great rhetoric, but in the long run, did it really matter?” Williams asked. “I mean, it looks like we’re going to be overrun by Muslims anyway. Besides, do we really have the right to resist? After all, didn’t Jesus bid us to ‘turn the other cheek?”

A “bright side” according to Williams is a likely decline in the divorce rate. “Women will be less eager to stray from their husbands under Sharia law because the risks and costs are too great,” he pointed out. “Families will stay together. I think that is a plus that many of we Westerners overlook.”

In related news, the British government announced that persons with multiple wives will now be entitled to increased welfare benefits. The new guidelines on income support from the Department for Work and Pensions were adopted “as a precaution” according to Deputy Minister, Ron Codwiner. “It’s a virtual hostage situation,” Codwiner explained, saying the funding is expected to “reduce the incidence of so-called ‘honor killings’ of wives and ‘street rage’ like we’ve seen in Paris. We’re hoping that with a little extra money, they’ll stay home and watch television instead of making trouble.”

Canadian Prof Says Global Warming Skeptics Belong in Jail

Dr. David Suzuki, prominent scientist, broadcaster and Order of Canada recipient, called for those who refuse to accept the science behind climate change to be thrown in jail. Addressing the McGill Business Conference on Sustainability, Dr. Suzuki warned that “skepticism is unacceptable. We are in a war to save the planet. Those who would undermine our efforts to win this war are traitors.”

Suzuki exhorted his audience to hold these traitors legally accountable for their intergenerational crimes. The professor’s ranting was interrupted by multiple rounds of applause.

The professor’s remarks raised eyebrows in saner circles, prompting Dr. Suzuki’s handlers to try to pass off his comments as “a joke gone wrong—like when the U.S.’s Senator Kerry said only morons join the army.”

Dr. Suzuki is a former board member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Association.

In related news, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) claims that the recent storms that have killed 50 people throughout the Southeastern United States “are the direct result of the Bush Administration’s failure to heed the warnings of former vice-president Gore.” Kerry suggested that Gore be appointed “Climate Czar” and given “unrestricted authority to take the stern measures necessary to control the situation. The man was cheated out of the presidency, but has continued to toil for the good of humanity. This benevolence is worthy of our unconditional trust.”

Mrs. Clinton Outlines Her Economic Plan for America

In a Wall Street Journal op ed, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) laid out her plan for the U.S. economy once she’s elected president—assuring voters that she will take “swift, bold action to expand the government’s role in guaranteeing abundance for all Americans.”

A key component of her plan emphasized the need to “expropriate the expropriators by transferring economic power from the exploitive bourgesosie to the vanguard of the working class.” “Some people have more money than they need,” Clinton wrote. “Others have less than they want. It will be my job as president to rectify this.”

Among a claimed list of “a million ideas to make America better,” Clinton mentioned an increase in the minimum wage, an increase in the maximum tax, government handouts to “all those who need money,” compulsory unionization, mandatory boarding of the homeless with “families who have more house than they need,” elimination of poverty, federal control over investment and research, affirmative action to apportion jobs by sex and race, government regulation of wages and prices and implementation of strict environmental controls to fight global warming.

As expected, the Senator also made a strong case for her “signature issue”--national health care. “Health today is too complex an issue for most people,” she wrote. “They shouldn’t be left to have to make decisions amidst a bewildering array of alternatives. One standardized system should be imposed so that those who understand the complexities can ensure that all will receive the same level of care.”

“No one will be left behind,” she bragged. “If necessary, wages will be seized to secure adequate resources to pay for the program.”

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