JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News -- A Satirical Look at Recent News
 

Are 'Super Delegates' Selling Their Votes?

Feb. 17, 2008

With Senators Obama and Clinton locked in a tight battle for the Democratic presidential nomination, it looks like the ultimate winner may be decided by the votes of the so-called “super delegate” at the August convention. These delegates—mostly Democratic elected officials and Party functionaries—have been granted votes outside of the primary and caucus process. The value of each of these votes has risen as the date of the convention nears without a clear primary/caucus winner.

This rising value has not escaped the notice of many of these delegates. “I can vote for whoever I want,” said Representative Bea Venal (Pa.). “It’s up to the candidates to ‘persuade’ me that they really need my vote.”

Thus far, Venal has received $25,000 worth of ‘persuasion’ from Obama and $10,000 from Clinton, but still remains “undecided.” “They’re both very worthy of the office. I really need to hear a lot more from both of them between now and August,” Venal said.

Former Democratic presidential candidate, Representative Dennis Kucinich (Ohio) has sent letters to both remaining candidates reminding them that he, too, is a super delegate, but has yet to receive any “persuasion” from either of his former rivals. “I shouldn’t have to point out that I have a broad following in the Party who will look to me for guidance,” Kucinich wrote. “Now that I am no longer running for president I would like to be persuaded on who I should support at the convention.”

Kucinich went on to emphasize that since he is facing a tough reelection bid in his district he is particularly anxious to be persuaded and hopes that both remaining contenders “will make a substantial effort to secure my support.”

Thus far, Obama's political action committee has doled out more than $694,000 of “persuasion” to super delegates while Clinton's political action committee has distributed about $195,000.

Obama Pushes “Global Poverty Act”

The “Global Poverty Act of 2007” introduced by Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) is on the brink of enactment by the U.S. Senate. A companion bill (H.R. 1302) passed in the House of Representatives last September. The legislation would obligate the United States to contribute an additional $90 billion per year to the United Nations to “fight global poverty.”

Obama called the bill “a down payment on America’s moral obligation to the poor of the world.” “I have always held that the principle guide to economic policy ought to be ‘from each according to his ability, to each according to his need,” Obama declared. “In my mind it is the ultimate standard of fairness. Americans have the ability to pay. The world is full of people who need our money. I aim to see that they get it.”

The senator cited the UN’s role in distributing the money as “source of the utmost confidence that the funds will be handled conscientiously and indiscriminately.” “The UN has been a leader in the global struggle for peace,” Obama asserted. “I can think of no better agency for ensuring that the riches of the Earth are distributed equitably.”

“The bill is just a first step in transforming the world,” Obama continued. “If I am fortunate enough to be elected president I hope to lead this country away from its exploitive past toward a new age of generosity. We will change our image from one of being the reaper of ill-gotten gains to that of global benefactor to the poor and disposed.”

In related news, Senator Obama’s “Patriot Corporation Act” has stirred concern that it bears too many similarities to Fascism. Under the bill, businesses that follow government prescribed standards on wages, prices, and production would get tax advantages and preferences on government contracts.

Obama called these concerns “overblown.” “When people see the word ‘Fascist’ they tend to think ‘Hitler,’” Obama said. “They should be thinking Mussolini. Before he made the mistake of joining Hitler in his disastrous war, Mussolini had a very successful program of government-business collaboration. This is the model for my bill.”

“Let me remind you, President Roosevelt was a great admirer of Mussolini,” Obama pointed out. “Il Duce brought order and prosperity to a country ravaged by depression. That is all I’m trying to do with my bill and will be trying to do as president.”

Clinton Says Obama Sex Life “Even More Sordid than Mine”

Allegations that Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) engaged in a gay sex act with a cocaine dealer in the back seat of a limousine in 1999, got a rise out of former president Bill Clinton.

According to a recent home-made, “You Tube” video, an admitted drug dealer named Larry Sinclair claims that after selling cocaine to then state senator Obama, his “gaydar” led him to “make a pass” at Obama, which the senator accepted. Sinclair performed oral sex on Obama while the senator smoked the crack he had just bought. Sinclair said the two of them got together at a hotel the next day for another “quickie” episode of oral sex.

“You know I got a lot of grief over my relationship with Monica, but this news about Senator Obama is just disgusting,” Clinton said. “I mean, this Sinclair character is a guy. I ask you, is America really ready for a gay president?”

Clinton also questioned Obama’s motivation. “His wife is hot,” Clinton observed. “What excuse could he have had? It’s not like he was married to Hillary. You know I love her and all that, but she’s not much fun in the sack. I think the American people understood. That’s why the impeachment was the real travesty and why I would win a third term if I weren’t barred from running.”

The former president rounded out his comments by mocking Obama’s “change” campaign theme. “The people who’ve been swooning over Obama’s vague promise to bring change probably don’t imagine it would be this kind of ‘walk on the wild side,’” Clinton jibed. “So, while the first Clinton Administration was bringing America eight years of peace and prosperity, Senator Obama was…well I don’t think I have to paint you a picture. I think voters will realize that he offers the wrong kind of change.”

In related news, Hillary’s campaign is considering suing Obama for plagiarism. Egged on by McCain’s economic advisor, Kevin Hassett’s contention that Obama’s economic plan “is the most shameless piece of plagiarism that I have ever seen," Clinton’s brain-trust is reportedly weighing the option of filing a lawsuit.

“Everything in Senator Obama’s platform can be traced back to one or more of Senator Clinton’s ‘million ideas’ for America,” said Susan Lutes, attorney for the Clinton campaign. “Senator Clinton has staked out a comprehensive claim to every nuance of the nanny-state. There isn’t anything Obama can promise that she hasn’t already promised.”

Lutes threatened that “if Obama doesn’t immediately cease and desist the damages could run into the trillions of dollars.”

House Speaker Says Iraq Policy a Failure

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) says that Iraq “is a failure. Bush’s troop surge has not produced the desired effect. The purpose of the surge was to create a more secure to Iraq. But the latest word from this war-torn country shows a deterioration of security in the contested sectors.”

As evidence, Pelosi cited the latest intelligence reports from Iraq wherein al-Qaeda leaders have called their situation critical. “There is panic and fear,” wrote an unidentified al-Qaeda leader from Anbar province in a 39-page letter discovered by U.S. forces in a raid on the terrorist group last November. “The Islamic jihad in Iraq faces an extraordinary crisis. Last year's mass defection of our Sunni allies to the U.S. military created an unwillingness to fight. Our security structure suffered total collapse. We were over 600 in number. Only 20 fighters are now left.”

“From this report, I’d say it looks like Senator Reid’s assessment that the war is lost was right on target,” Pelosi concluded.

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