Given these positive results, the McCain campaign sees value in keeping the battle with the Times alive. Consequently, Senator McCain has attempted to goad the Times into further attacks by denigrating the paper’s staff as “a bunch of simpering pantywaists” and belittling the smear. “I’ve seen more effective ‘mud-slinging’ by a four-year-old,” McCain jeered.

Insiders at the Times indicated that the paper is preparing a “blockbuster” piece that “will expose the true agenda behind McCain’s alien amnesty bill.” “People who were upset when they thought Senator McCain was paving the way for illegal aliens from Mexico will go berserk when they learn that the real intended beneficiaries are aliens from another planet,” said a source requesting anonymity. “We even have photos documenting McCain’s meetings with representatives of the Andromeda Galaxy. Let him try to explain that away.”

House Dems to Shut Down GOP Earmark Website

The House Democratic leadership has initiated steps to shut down a House Republican-launched earmark reform website. The triggering event was an item reporting that Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) had just been named “Porker of the Year.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) denied the GOP contention that the move was aimed at suppressing criticism of Murtha’s role in promoting government waste. “The claim that we would try to silence critics of one of America’s most revered public servants is ludicrous,” Pelosi said. “The simple truth is that use of the word ‘porker’ made the site an unacceptable insult to Muslims. We cannot let an official congressional web site be a party to such insensitive disparagement of one of the world’s great religions.”

Democratic Presidential Candidates Vie for Hispanic Votes

The tightly contested race for the Democratic presidential nomination saw Senators Obama (Ill.) and Clinton (N.Y.) each up-the-ante in their bids for Hispanic votes.

Both agreed that a “path to citizenship” is an essential ingredient in any immigration reform. Clinton complained, though, that Republican supporters of this path, like Senator John McCain (Ariz.), “insist on complicated rules for would-be new citizens. We need a simpler process.” Clinton suggested that any illegal immigrant who could prove that he or she has been in the country for at least 90 days be granted “provisional citizenship status.”

Obama called Clinton’s proposal “unnecessarily restrictive.” “Requiring these immigrants to prove a 90-day residency is asking too much,” Obama asserted. “It puts all the burden on the immigrants—many of whom are illiterate or poorly educated. We need to offer a helping hand.”

Under his plan, Obama would award “provisional citizenship status” to immigrants “who have established a demonstrable interaction with the nexus of American society.” The types of interactions mentioned by the Senator included “receiving healthcare in an emergency room, enrolling a child in school, or being arrested.”

Senator Defends Lack of Knowledge Concerning Obama’s Accomplishments

In an appearance on MSNBC’s “Hardball” with Chris Matthews, Texas State Senator Kirk Watson (D-Austin) was unable to name a single legislative accomplishment of presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill). This was despite being asked several times and given “extra time to think” during a commercial break.

After being mocked by Obama’s presidential rival, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.), a flummoxed Watson defended his ignorance. “Well, I’m not the only one who can’t think of anything he’s done,” Watson said to reporters. “No one else can either. Besides, the Obama campaign isn’t about accomplishment. It’s about change. He’s about turning the page and making a fresh start untainted by any of the accomplishments of the past.”

Obama Proposes “Labor Battalions”

In a move the candidate characterized as having the dual purpose of restoring “a sense of community” and “combating obesity,” Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) said one of his first policy initiatives if he is elected president will be to ask for legislation establishing government-run “labor battalions” wherein people will be called upon to “toil for the collective benefit of society.”

“Americans have become too self-centered, too greedy,” Obama said. “This isn’t their fault. Our society doesn’t insist that they put aside their petty personal concerns for the good of the whole. As president I will be giving Americans the opportunity to do just that.”

While all the details of this proposal haven’t been laid out, the gist of the plan calls for every working American to contribute one month a year to community projects. “People will get their hands dirty investing their sweat for a better America,” Obama rhapsodized. “They’ll be out in the fresh air getting exercise, too.”

Those reluctant to contribute to the effort “will be asked to attend special education sessions to try to help them overcome their selfish aversion to work for the common good,” Obama continued. “We will change America, one soul at a time if that’s what it takes.”

Former Clinton Attorney General Criticizes “Waterboarding”

Former Attorney General Janet Reno joined the chorus of Democratic critics of the Bush Administration’s use of so-called “waterboarding” on terrorist suspects. The practice, called “torture” by its critics, entails pouring water into the nose to simulate drowning.

Reno labeled the method “ineffective.” “The technique isn’t really lethal,” Reno pointed out. “Suspects who know this can easily hold out.”

“I have always felt that the application of intense heat would be more effective,” Reno went on. “If the suspect knows you are prepared to kill him, he’ll most likely break. If he doesn’t, he gets burned to death. Do this to enough of them and your problem is solved.”

Iran Demands UN Take Action against Israel, Denmark

The Iranian government has demanded that the UN take stern action against Israel and Denmark for “their repeated affronts to Islam.”

“Denmark has continually abused its so-called freedom of speech to allow cartoonists and others to ridicule our faith and our Prophet (may peace be upon him),” charged a letter co-signed by 215 members of the Iranian Parliament. “They slander Islam, calling it a purveyor of violence. For this they must pay with their blood. We call upon the United Nations to order Denmark to provide 1,000 hostages to ensure that such affronts are not repeated.” The letter went on to warn that failure to provide hostages “would result in spontaneous bombings throughout the realms of the unbelievers.”

With respect to Israel, Iranian General Mohammad Ali Jafari called for the UN to “join with us to eradicate this filthy bacteria. For too long, this Jewish pestilence has been permitted to ravage mankind. The health of humanity requires its elimination.”

In his reply to the Iranian demands, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said that while he could not advise the agency to participate in direct military action against Israel or Denmark, he would be recommending these nations “voluntarily accede to the requests made by your government. These small countries represent a minor fraction of the human family. The good of the whole argues for their accommodation to the wishes of the larger fraction.”