During an interview on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Barack Obama (Ill) conceded that he, “like most married men in America” is “henpecked.”

“Michelle is pretty much the ‘boss,’” Obama admitted. “It’s the normal stuff. You know—limiting what I can watch on TV, making me squat to pee, and, the biggie, forcing me to quit smoking.”

“I had been sneaking three cigarettes, four cigarettes a day for a while, and she said if you're going to do this I won’t let you run for president,” Obama said. "And she’d do it, too. I mean, I already had to give up sex to run for the Senate. What could I do?”

When the audience’s applause died down, the Senator observed that this was “just one more example of my wife making me a better man so I can put an end to partisan bickering, unite this country, and lead Americans to a higher plane of existence."

In related news, Michelle Obama told a crowd in Zanesville, Ohio that her husband would “put an end to capitalist oppression of the working class and usher in an era of social solidarity among people of good heart. For too long, America has fallen under the evil influence of greed. We are offering the people the opportunity to transcend the bonds of materialism and rise to a new level of spiritual devotion to the collective welfare of the whole.””

Anti-Semite Reassures Flock that “Obama Is with Us”

The head of America’s Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan, said that his followers shouldn't be dissuaded from continuing to support the presidential campaign of Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) just because the Senator was forced to denounce him during the most recent Democratic debate.

Challenged by Democratic presidential rival Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) about having the support of an anti-Semite like Farrakhan, Obama said he rejected Farrakhan’s support.

Farrakhan sent a statement in response to "outrage expressed by many" over Obama's comments. "Those who have been supporting Senator Barack Obama should not allow what was said during the Feb. 26 presidential debate to lessen their support for his campaign. This is simply mischief making intended to hurt Mr. Obama politically."

Farrakhan clarified that by "mischief making" he was referring to “pressure by the international Zionist conspiracy that controls our government and the Democratic Party.” “My people can trust me on this—Obama is with us,” Farrakhan asserted. “They need not fear he will betray Black interests once he is elected.”

Raul Castro Endorses Obama

In his first public statement since being officially named to succeed his ailing brother Fidel, Cuba’s new dictator, Raul Castro, expressed his “sincere hope” that Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) will be the next American president.

“Senator Obama fills me with a sense of hope for positive change in the relations between our countries,” Castro announced.

Castro said he was particularly impressed by Obama’s proposal to establish “labor battalions.” “This is the kind of stern measure needed to turn America away from the path of bourgeois exploitation and toward a regime of universally shared toil. It reminds me a lot of the steps Stalin took to build the Soviet Union into the most powerful and successful nation in the world.”

Dan Rather Praises New York Times’ “Creative Journalism”

Former CBS anchorman, Dan Rather, heaped praise on the New York Times for its “creative handling of charges of sexual impropriety” against Republican presidential contender Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.).

“Right wingers would have Americans believe that the media should be confined to a narrow version of truth bounded by evidence,” Rather complained. “I was glad to see that the Times was unconstrained by such fetters. When a newsman knows the truth he must go all out to get the message out. This inner compass helps keep us on course when all the landmarks of so-called facts would lead us astray.”

Calling the media the “last bulwark against the tyranny of reality,” Rather expressed regret that he has been “shunted off-stage in this most crucial of battles for control of the nation’s future.”

Study Claims Suicide Bombers Not Mentally Unstable

In a study of Palestinian suicide bombings, University of Toronto researchers have concluded that the bombers were “not any more psychologically unstable than the rest of the Palestinian population.”

“Sanity is a relative thing,” said sociology professor Ken Little. “The norms of the culture and community provide the baseline against which the actions of the so-called abnormal must be measured. In Palestine, the vast majority of the population supports the extermination of Israel. Their religion bids them to slay Jews wherever they may find them. In this context, a suicide attack is merely a more proactive manifestation of a widely shared belief system.”

“If anyone is to be judged mentally deranged, I’d say it’d have to be the Jews,” Little continued. “They are a tiny minority in a sea of enemies. Worldwide, Muslims outnumber Jews 100 to 1. By statistics alone, the Jews are the abnormal contingent in this sample. Their insisting on staying on in Israel is what’s really crazy. They should leave or convert.”

Obama Campaign Complains About Use of Middle Name

Drawing a parallel to the publication of cartoons of Mohammed, a spokesman for Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign, denounced use of the candidate’s middle name—Hussein—as “dirty politics.”

“Inserting Senator Obama’s middle name into public discourse is just as wrong as it would be to publish an image of the Prophet Mohammed (may peace be upon him),” said Fetid Miasma, deputy chairman of Obama’s Texas campaign. “It’s mocking his heritage at a time when we should all be coming together as one.”

“We’re not going around saying Hillary RODHAM Clinton,” Miasma pointed out, noting that, “We are above the pettiness of pointing out that Senator Clinton’s middle name has the word ‘ham’ in it and that this could greatly hamper our country’s dealings with Muslim nations should she become president.”

Dems Outraged over Attorney General’s Refusal to Prosecute Miers & Bolten

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) expressed her rage at Attorney General Michael Mukasey’s refusal to prosecute White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten and former presidential counsel Harriet Miers for their contempt of congress.

Mukasey observed that “these individuals’ contempt of congress is not a crime. If we consult recent polls, we find that the vast majority of Americans share this contempt. The fact is, Bolton and Miers are in-step with voters on this issue. Perhaps the Speaker should reevaluate her Party’s actions to ascertain why this is the case.”

Unmollified, Pelosi insisted that Bolton and Miers were guilty of “improper policy” and needed to be “made an example to deter others from committing similar crimes.”