Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) puzzled listeners in a Hocking College crowd when he claimed that the Sermon on the Mount justifies homosexual marriage.

“When Jesus gave his ‘Sermon on the Mount’ He didn’t specify the sex of the participants,” Obama declared. “He didn’t say that a man should only mount a woman. I think we have to take that as a clear sign that God wants all His children to have equal rights to marry whoever they most love.”

“I think Senator Obama is very confused,” said Christian Mann, spokesman for the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights. “The Sermon on the Mount refers to the location at which Jesus spoke. It most certainly had nothing to do with sexual positions and cannot be used as a justification for any crackpot ideas on same-sex marriages.”

Obama’s campaign website promises that he will use the presidency as a “bully pulpit” for promoting homosexual causes. “If Bill Clinton can call himself America’s first ‘Black’ president, I can promise to call myself America’s first gay—at least in spirit—president,” Obama is quoted as saying.

Poll Indicates that Clinton’s “3 A.M. Phone Call” Ad May Backfire

While experts agree that Democratic presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton’s TV ad asking viewers who they’d want answering a 3 A.M. phone call at the White House may have been a key factor in her comeback wins in the March 4 primaries in Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island, polling data hints at possible trouble down the line.

Poll respondents expressing a desire that the person answering the phone be Hillary Clinton did out-number those preferring Obama by a two-to-one margin. Unfortunately for both candidates, the actual percentages were 8% for Hillary vs. 4 percent for Obama. Thirty-two percent said they hoped Republican presidential candidate, Senator John McCain (Ariz.) would be the one answering the call. Fifty-six percent said they would prefer that the answering machine took the call.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for the president to have to take a 3 A.M. call,” said poll respondent Gene Stockman of Ohio. “He’d be groggy and apt to make a bad decision. It’s better to let the machine take the call. The president can pick up the message in the morning after he’s had a good night’s sleep.”

“Mostly, the government is likely to do something stupid,” said respondent Dan Savant of Texas. “The risk would be even greater if the president is jarred out of sleep. Delaying action until morning, or better still, never, might be less damaging.”

Cuba Announces Plans to Boost Spying Efforts

New Cuban president Raul Castro, announced plans to increase his country’s efforts to spy on the United States under his regime.

“Fidel was too trusting,” Raul lamented. “I will correct that weakness.”

The initial “bold first step” in this increased effort will be to get a subscription to the New York Times. “I have heard that the New York Times publishes many of the U.S. government’s secrets,” Raul said. “We will join the ranks of those who are among the first to know these secrets.”

To avert the possibility that the U.S. government might seek to bar Cuban access to the Times, Raul says his government will subscribe using an alias. “Ours will be one of the thousands of subscriptions listed under the name ‘Juan Doe,’ which I have been told is one of the most common names in America,” Raul said. “Our access to America’s most vital information will be unstoppable. The Yankee Imperialists will go crazy trying to track us down.”

Muslims Make Gains in West

Continued demands for special treatment have netting the Muslim lobby gains in the West.

At Harvard University, Muslim discomfort at having to mingle with unbelievers at the campus gym led the administration to announce a new schedule aimed at easing this discomfort. Under the new schedule, dhimmis will be able to workout 2-4 a.m. Monday-Friday, and 10-midnight Saturday & Sunday. All other times are reserved for the umma. Students unclear on which group they belong to are referred to the Koran for guidance.

In the Netherlands, the government has pressured the media to prevent the airing of Geert Wilders’ film out of fear that it will incite Muslims to violence. In response to objections that this action amounts to suppression of freedom of speech, government spokesman, Aad Kraven explained “We all know that the Muslims are insane. The onus for keeping the peace must fall on us, the sane majority. It’s the price we pay for being civilized.”

In response to demands from three Egyptian Muftis, the United Nations is drafting a resolution that would require member nations to ban religious insults. The insults covered under this ban include the publication of any images or words offensive to “recognized religious authorities.” Examples of the kinds of insults covered were expounded upon by Mufti Mahranik Faoul. “The Danish cartoons of Muhammed (may peace be upon him) were an insult,” Faoul said. “The Geert Wilders film is an insult. Any words spoken by a Jew are an insult.”

Faoul rebuffed assertions that Islamic nations do their share of insulting other religions. “There is no God but Allah,” Faoul declared. “Any so-called religion that does not recognize this fact has no authority to claim it has been insulted. These are not genuine religions. They are the lies of the infidels.”

Clinton and Obama Trade Barbs

The closeness of the Democratic presidential race is prompting an escalation of rhetoric from both camps. Senator Hillary Clinton’s primary wins in three states on March 4 elicited some testy whining from Senator Barack Obama claiming that his rival had “gone negative.”

“Senator Clinton’s insinuation that I lack the experience to be president is the type of negative smear we have come to expect from the politics of personal destruction,” Obama complained. “I had hoped to avoid this low road during this campaign. The unspoken reality is that neither Senator Clinton nor I have any real governing experience.”

Clinton challenged Obama’s “assertion of equivalence” regarding experience. “When Bill was president he consulted with me on every decision except the ones where things went wrong,” Hillary retorted. “When things went well it was because Bill followed my advice. The peace and prosperity of the 1990s—that was mostly my idea. Bill was the naughty, but lovable face of the first Clinton Administration. I was the brains. We will restore this highly successful formula when I become president.”

“What I’d like to know,” Obama asked upon hearing Clinton’s boast about her experience when Bill was president, “was Hillary the brains behind the Somalia fiasco? Was she the one raking in campaign contributions from the Chinese government? Was she the one advocating the incineration of the Branch-Davidians? If Senator Clinton was smart enough to make a 10,000% profit in one day of commodity speculation, why didn’t she use this financial genius to wipe out the national debt? These are just a few of the questions I think Senator Clinton ought to answer for the American people.”

Senator Clinton dismissed Obama’s questions as “old news.” “What we really ought to be talking about is Tony Rezko,” Clinton said. “And why a U.S. Senator is mixed up with such a shady character.”

Professor Objects to Blood Bank Rules