Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) mocked potential White House opponent Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) for changing his position on tax cuts. “In 2001, Senator John Sidney McCain opposed President George Walker Bush's tax cuts,” Obama pointed out. “But now he supports their extension. This is pandering at its worst.”

"It’s as if he’s saying that the interests of taxpayers ought to take precedence over the needs of the government for more money,” Obama continued. “This is not the straight-talking maverick that he would like us to believe he is. This is the voice of greed.”

Obama said he would not join with those who have characterized McCain’s opposition to tax increases as racist. “While it is true that tax cuts mostly benefit the income earners, the vast majority of whom are white, I do not believe that Senator McCain was motivated by racist thinking,” Obama said. “After all, he did say he doesn’t know much about economics. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to pure ignorance.”

In related news, the Democrat-controlled congress endorsed tax increases for millions of Americans. The House of Representatives voted for huge increases to domestic spending programs that would be paid for by letting all of Bush's tax cuts expire in 2010. The tax increase bill passed the House on a 212-207 vote with Republicans unanimously opposing it. “The cruel era of selfishness that has dominated GOP fiscal policy is over,” crowed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). “These are the people’s resources. We are the people’s representatives. We will decide how they are spent.”

NY Governor Resigns in Disgrace

New York’s Governor Eliot Spitzer (D) resigned in disgrace after it was discovered that he has been cavorting with high-priced prostitutes for a number of years. As NY’s Attorney General, Spitzer had been an avid prosecutor of prostitution, referring to it as a “stain on the community’s moral well-being,” and its patrons as “low-life scum.”

Spitzer defended his liaisons as the notorious “Client #9,” saying that he had been engaged in “a long-term, under-cover sting operation.” “People have unfairly accused me of lust and fornication,” Spitzer said. “They don’t understand the kind of dirty work that has to be done to fight corruption.”

Nevertheless, Spitzer said he was resigning “in order to take the focus off of me and allow federal agents to devote their time and energy on the real miscreants undermining our nation.”

Privately, Spitzer has been reported as puzzled by the “double standard.” “Bill Clinton gets blown by a teenager and masturbates in a White House sink, yet, the Party rallies to his defense,” Spitzer complained. “Here I am, risking my health probing interstate criminal activity and I’m pushed out. Where’s the justice in that?”

Democratic Party insiders say that Spitzer was mostly the victim of “bad timing.” “Under different circumstances I think he could have brazened it out,” said a source insisting on anonymity. “But with Hillary Clinton locked in a big battle for the nomination, she couldn’t afford this distraction.”

It is said that in gratitude for his quick exit Spitzer will get a cabinet appointment as Attorney General in Hillary Clinton’s Administration—a spot from which he can resume his vendetta against American business.

Clinton Offers Obama VP Spot on Democratic Ticket

Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) has offered Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) the opportunity to run with her as the Democrat’s nominee for vice-president. “Look, Barack is a nice boy,” Clinton observed. “I wouldn’t want to see anything bad happen to him. As my vice-presidential running mate he’ll be safe. And with a little seasoning under my administration, he might be a suitable presidential contender in another decade or so.”

Thus far, Obama has rebuffed Clinton’s offer. "I don't know how somebody who is in second place is offering the vice presidency to somebody who is in first place," Obama told supporters. "I’ve gotten the most votes. I’ve gotten the most delegates. Women faint in ecstasy when I speak. I’ve been called a messiah. The real question is whether the presidency is a high enough position for a man with my kind of talent.”

Obama’s Pastor a Lunatic

Democratic presidential contender Senator Barack Obama’s campaign was dealt a setback when examination of the sermons of the pastor of the church he has been attending for the last 20 years revealed the man to be a raving lunatic.

Samples of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s sermons quoted him urging Blacks to sing “God Damn America,” calling the United States a terrorist nation that brought the 9/11 attacks on itself and alleging that the government was trying to destroy Blacks by giving them drugs and AIDS. Videos of Wright’s rantings have been popping up all over the web.

Obama has tried to deflect criticism by characterizing Wright as akin to a “crazy old uncle who you love despite his imperfections.”

The senator’s insistence that he was unaware of Wright’s bizarre views until just recently has been scoffed at by a spokeswoman for Senator Hillary’s campaign. “He says he’s a regular church-goer,” said Naomi Harridan, co-chair of Clinton’s Pennsylvania campaign. “He’s been listening to this crap for 20 years. He can’t not have known.”

Obama challenged Harridan’s contention by asserting that “like many of my fellow parishioners and, I dare say, many church-goers across America, I’ve slept through the vast majority of the sermons.”

Saudi Scholar Demands Holocaust Recount

Dr. Walid Al-Rashudi, head of the Department of Islamic Studies at King Saud University, Saudi Arabia, has decried “the incessant Zionist propaganda regarding the so-called Holocaust.”

At issue, according to Rashudi, is the head-count of victims. “If 6 million died, where are the bodies?” Rashudi demanded to know, apparently unaware that most of the victims bodies had be cremated.

Rashudi provided his own “best estimate” that about “50 to 60 Jews, at most died” and speculated that “the majority of these were probably killed by Allied bombing.”

“Hitler has been slandered,” Rashudi claimed. “And Jews have used this slander to extort money from innocent Germans.”

“The real crime is Jewish occupation of Palestine,” Rashudi said. “By Allah, we will not be satisfied even if all the Jews are killed. The very memory of their existence must be expunged from human consciousness.”

Senate Rejects Earmarks Moratorium

By a lopsided 71-29 margin, the U.S. Senate voted to reject a proposed one-year moratorium on the congressional “pork” known as “earmarks.” Earmarks set aside government funds for special projects designed to buy votes for incumbent officeholders.

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain (Ariz.) denounced the vote, calling earmarks “a symbol of the endemic waste that rules federal spending priorities.”

Others cited the Constitution’s “power of the purse” clause to justify the action. “What’s the point of being a senator if you can’t bring home the bacon for your constituents?” asked a senator in remarks he insisted be “off-the-record.”

Iran Urges American Voters to Reject McCain

The Iranian government issued a plea to American voters urging them not to elect Senator McCain president. The communiqué called McCain “an enemy of Islam” and warned that his election would “impede your country’s peaceful transition to the Muslim faith.”

 

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.