Moqtada al-Sadr — the lunatic Islamic fanatic that Newsweek called “The Most Dangerous Man in Iraq” in 2006 — has unilaterally extended the ceasefire he decreed for his Mahdi Army in the summer of 2007. “To be frank, we were getting our heads handed to us by the infidel occupiers,” Sadr lamented. “I see no alternative if we are to avoid being wiped out.”

Sadr’s attempt to intimidate Iraqis into accepting his vision for an Islamic theocratic state under his leadership was not faring well. Even his fellow Shi’a Muslims rejected his message. When the U.S “surge” provided an alternate source of protection from al-Qaeda and Sunni insurgents, the Shi’ites no longer needed the Mahdis for protection.

This turn of events has caused consternation for U.S. Democrats. In a bid to rescue the situation, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) wrote to Sadr urging him to “not give up hope.” “We are doing our best to end the Bush Administration’s reign of terror in your country,” Reid’s letter said. “We have high hopes of replacing him with a person having greater sympathy for your plight. If you can only hang on until 2009, things should be looking up.”

Bin Laden Lambastes Pope for Opposition to Peace

In his latest audio diatribe, al-Qaeda terrorist leader, Osama bin Laden chastised Pope Benedict for “playing a crucial role in the effort to prevent Islam from pacifying Europe and the world.”

“The Pope alleges that he is a man of peace,” bin Laden said. “Apparently, he fails to understand that his refusal to accept Islam and urge his fellow unbelievers to convert guarantees that there can be no peace.”

Bin Laden warned that the Pope’s characterization of some of Muhammad’s teachings as “evil and inhuman defame Islam and will bring the wrath of Allah down upon him and his followers.” “As the Prophet (may peace be upon him) commanded, we will cut the necks of Allah’s enemies until rivers of blood divert the infidels from their false beliefs,” bin Laden bragged.

In related news, Anwar Ashiqi, president of the Saudi centre for Middle East strategic studies, defended that nation’s ban on non-Muslim places of worship. His remarks were inspired by current negotiations between the Saudi government and the Vatican aimed at allowing the establishment of Catholic churches in the country—as Mosques are allowed in non-Muslim countries. “Unless the Pope acknowledges Muhammed as the Prophet (may peace be upon him), his faith is a false one and must not be permitted to pollute our country,” Ashiqi declared.

Kerry Says Obama Best Suited for Dealing with Muslim Nations

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.), says one of the reasons he’s supporting Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president is his belief that Obama would have an easier time dealing with Muslim nations because “he is half Wog.” “Senator Obama is dark-skinned just like most Muslim leaders,” Kerry observed. “He will be accepted by them. After all, he is half Wog. Even though his mother was a typical white person, his father was a Muslim from Kenya. This should open many doors for him in the Middle East.”

Clinton Campaign Calls Richardson’s Endorsement of Obama Insignificant

Mark Penn, a senior strategist for New York Senator Hillary Clinton’s run for the Democratic presidential nomination, belittled New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson’s endorsement of her rival, Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.). Both campaigns had spent months seeking the former Democratic presidential candidate’s support.

“Look, this guy has been dithering for over a month since he dropped out of the race,” said Penn. “Who really cares what he thinks now? He was an insignificant nobody when Bill gave him two cabinet appointments. I think ‘ungrateful slob’ would be too generous a characterization at this stage.”

Chinese Government to Spy on Olympic Tourists

Those planning on attending the Olympics have been warned that the Chinese government will be keeping close tabs on them while they’re in the country. The U.S. State Department advised that “All visitors should be aware that they have no reasonable expectation of privacy in public or private locations. Visitors should anticipate that they will be watched, taped and recorded wherever they go.”

“We must guard against slander and immorality,” said Chinese Minister of Morality, Lo Wang. “Those who would speak ill of the Chinese government or attempt a ‘Spitzer’ in one of our hotels will be dealt with harshly.”

The Olympic Summer Games are scheduled for August 8-24, in Beijing.

In related news, the U.S. Justice Department responded to criticism of the extraordinary scrutiny it devoted to former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s dalliances with high-priced prostitutes. “Normally, we wouldn’t have gone to such lengths,” said FBI spokesman Jack Auffmann. “I mean, prostitution is hardly a high priority for us. But Spitzer is a pompous hypocrite who took great glee in ruining the lives of others. Ending his abuse of power is a service to America that we couldn’t pass up.”

Spitzer Successor Boasts He Never Had to Pay Any of His Own Money for Sex

New York’s Governor David Paterson (D) boasted that unlike his predecessor, the disgraced former Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer, he’s never paid high or low priced prostitutes for sex.

“Eliot doesn’t have mojo,” Paterson asserted. “When you’ve got mojo like I have the babes beg for it.”

Mojo, however, may not have been Paterson’s only asset in wooing the babes. It appears that campaign cash and appointments to state jobs may have played a role in greasing the skids for his liaisons.

At least two state employees have been alleged to have had illicit trysts with Paterson “during the rocky years of his marriage.” While there is no evidence of direct cash payments to any of the women, expenses incurred for hotels, meals, and “incidentals” were billed to his campaign as “constituent services.”

Paterson explained that he didn’t feel it was right for constituents to service him at their expense. “I am a gentleman,” Paterson said. “No gentleman makes a lady pay, especially if she is a constituent.”

Florida Governor Opposes “Droopy Drawers” Bill

Florida Governor Charlie Crist (R) announced his opposition to the pending “baggy pants” bill that would forbid the low-hanging pants. “There have been several reported incidences in which baggy pants have impeded the escape of criminals being pursued by police,” Christ pointed out. “I see no reason to discourage idiots from hampering their own ability to out-run pursuit.”

California Legislator Takes Aim at Ammunition

California State Assembly Member Kevin De Leon (D-Los Angeles), introduced a bill aimed at skirting the Constitutional right to bear arms. Assembly Bill 2062 would require that gun owners obtain a permit to buy ammunition. Applicants for a “permit-to-purchase” would be required to submit to a background check, pay a $35/bullet fee, and wait 30 days to receive the permit.

“The Constitution may say the people have the right to bear arms, but it doesn’t say the arms have to be loaded,” De Leon said, touting his own “stroke of genius.” “We will make guns into useless paperweights and put an end to firearm violence in our state.”

The proposed legislation has been endorsed by both the “Bloods” and the “Crips.” “Too many amateurs be pulling guns on the brothers,” complained Crips member “Tiny” Johnson. “This’ll make the streets safer.”

Professor Urges Firearms Industry Be Held Liable for Crimes

University professor George Nation, is advocating that manufacturers of guns be required to bear financial liability for the harm suffered by persons who have been injured by the criminals using their products. “It’s simple,” Nation said. “If we put the gun makers out of business we will largely put an end to crime.”

The professor brushed off arguments implying that his logic would hold food manufacturers liable for the ills of obesity. “If they think to dissuade me by such logic, they’re mistaken,” Nation said. “As far as I’m concerned, food manufacturers should be held liable for obesity. In an ideal world, people would receive the proper nutrition from a government-run dispensary. That’s next on my agenda.”

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.