United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon expressed his fear that the posting to the Internet of Dutch politician Geert Wilders’ “Fitna”—a film linking Islamist violence with passages from the Koran—would “incite retribution.”

Ban said that “while freedom of speech sounds good in theory, its advocates are overlooking the risks. The Koran bids Muslims to spare unbelievers who submit and pay the jizya. But does Wilders acknowledge this option for peaceful coexistence with Islam? No. He one-sidedly focuses on the consequences to those who stubbornly reject this offer.”

“We must recognize that the real fault lies not with the Muslims, but with those who would place their values ahead of those of other cultures,” Ban continued. “The West’s failure to yield the right-of-way is responsible for the collision with Islam. The sooner we learn to comply, the safer we will all be.”

Following the release of his film, several Islamic web sites have posted Wilders’ picture in hopes that “someone may carry out Allah’s command against this infidel.” There have also been the usual street demonstrations in Muslim countries where mobs demand that Wilders be “butchered.”

DNC Chairman Addresses Presidential Experience Factor

In the midst of sagging public confidence in both of the Party’s presidential contenders, Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairman Howard Dean took up the issue of experience. “People are saying that Senator McCain’s wartime experience makes him a better fit as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief,” Dean said. “But let’s look at the record.”

“It’s true McCain fought in Vietnam, but what did he accomplish?” Dean asked. “He crashed his plane and was captured. He spent six years languishing in the ‘Hanoi Hilton.’ And we lost the war. That’s not much of an achievement.”

“While McCain was failing in Vietnam Hillary Clinton was getting a law degree from Yale—one of the nation’s premier universities,” Dean boasted. “She was improving herself to better serve America in the years to come at the same time McCain was undergoing the sensory deprivation, physical torture, and mental duress that made him the angry and bitter man he is today.”

“Meanwhile, even though he was just a youngster, Barack Obama was studying Islam as a student in Indonesia—gaining insights that would prepare him for the issues that confront America in the 21^st century,” Dean said. “In contrast, any insights McCain may have gained as a prisoner of the Communists is now largely obsolete, what with the fall of the Soviet Union and China’s evolution toward a market economy.”

Dean emphasized that this particular comparison of just a few overlapping years “is just a tip of the ice berg. A full examination of the lives of the candidates will show voters that it is the Democrats that have the kind of experience needed to lead this country to a new destiny.”

Professors Baffled by Global Warming Survey

A trio of university professors conducting a telephone survey on people’s responses to the “global warming crisis” were stunned to discover that the more informed the respondents were, the less alarmed they are. The results were reported in an article, titled “Personal Efficacy, the Information Environment, and Attitudes toward Global Warming and Climate Change in the USA” appearing in the journal Risk Analysis.

Dr. Paul M. Kellstedt, a political science professor at Texas A&M, called the results “unsettling.” “Considering the extensive efforts of former vice-president Al Gore, most of the media, and the academic community to alert people to this growing crisis, I’d call these responses unexpected,” Kellstedt said. “It’s like the more a person knows about the phenomenon, the less impressed they are about efforts to stir them to support government action to stem the crisis.”

Kellstedt said that “the better informed respondents were more likely to discount the significance of mankind’s role in climate change. They were also more pessimistic about the possibility that government could take effective action to alter outcomes.”

The professor called the results “depressing.” “It looks like we will have to rely upon the more ignorant majority of the population to provide the political backing for the remedial measures needed to combat the problem,” Kellstedt said.

Obama Claims “Special” Birth

Not to be outdone by Democratic presidential rival Senator Hillary Clinton’s bogus claims to have been named after the man who climbed Everest six years after her birth and narrowly escaped death in Bosnia, Senator Barack Obama claimed that a 1965 civil rights march in Selma Alabama encouraged his parents to give birth to him in 1961.

According to Obama, “the 1965 civil rights march inspired my father to abandon his wife in Kenya and come to America in 1960—even dodging sniper fire when his plane landed at the Honolulu airport—just so he could marry a white woman and father the interracial child who would later become president and put an end to global racial injustice.”

Senator Obama was born in Hawaii in August of 1961.

Israel Rejects Offer of Help from Carter, Annan

Israel issued a formal rejection of a recent offer by former U.S. President Jimmy Carter and former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan to “help defuse hostilities in the region by personally driving buses that would evacuate Jews from the Palestinian lands.”

Carter and Annan sent their proposal to Israel in early March. They indicated that they were lining up other celebrity drivers including South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu and former Irish President Mary Robinson to be part of the bus driving team. Carter also apologized for not doing more. “I really had hoped that Fidel would be part of our team, now that he’s retired, but, alas, his health isn’t that good,” Carter lamented.

“The root of the tensions in the region is the alien presence of Jews in formerly Muslim territory,” Carter asserted. “Removing this presence is the only sure path to peace.” Carter said that several advisors have suggested to him that Madagascar might be the ideal ultimate location for a Jewish homeland.

Clinton Backers Warn Pelosi

A group of 20 prominent Hillary Clinton donors sent a letter to House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) warning her to retract her comments that superdelegates ought to mirror the voters’ choice in the primaries. The Clinton supporters wrote Pelosi “we don’t want our investment to be undermined by your uncalled for meddling.”

The letter went on to point out that Pelosi’s position could be considered risky, reminding her that “a number of others who have undertaken actions that were detrimental to the Clintons have met with unfortunate accidents. By no means are we saying that the Clintons bear any responsibility for any of these mishaps. It’s more a case of tempting fate—like the ‘mummy’s curse’ that befell those who opened King Tut’s tomb.”

In related news, a college newspaper reporter offered to kill himself “if that’s what it takes to compensate for my offense.” Butler University student Evan Strange asked Chelsea Clinton for her opinion “on the criticism of her mother that how she handled the Lewinsky scandal might be a sign of weakness and she might not be a strong enough candidate to be president.” Strange’s question earned him a stinging rebuke from Chelsea.

“I’m a supporter of Hillary. I love Hillary,” Strange blubbered in an interview on CBS’ “The Early Show.” “I’ve done an awful thing. I don’t deserve to live.”

Chinese Government Dismisses Criticism of Its Massacre of Tibetan Monks

Hundreds of monks, nuns and local Tibetans who joined a march demanding the Dalai Lama be allowed to return to Tibet were fired upon by Chinese troops. Several were killed and dozens injured.

General Wong Wei defended the action as “necessary to the security of the Chinese state” and dismissed criticisms as “misplaced.” “Their religion urges its followers to seek the nothingness of Nirvana,” Wong snidely remarked. “We have sped some of them along toward fulfillment of that quest. It is illogical of them to object.”