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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Nagin Defends Use of 'Phantom Police'

September 30, 2005

Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans, lashed back at critics after the FBI discovered that up to 700 so-called members of the city police force simply did not exist. Funding for many of these officers was provided by the federal government.

"During the storm and aftermath we'd heard reports that hundreds of New Orleans police officers had deserted their post," said an FBI spokesman. "Further investigation indicates that these posts had never been manned and the funds supposedly paid in wages has disappeared."

"Sure we overstated the number of officers on the force," said Nagin. "We did this to deter crime."

As Nagin explained it, the phantom officers were used as a decoy to frighten would-be offenders. "Just as George Washington lit fake campfires to lull the British troops before his surprise attack at Princeton, we in New Orleans have employed a similar strategy."

The effectiveness of Nagin's alleged strategy is in doubt, though. New Orleans has one of the highest crime rates per capita in the nation.

As for what happened to the funds that were supposed to have paid police salaries, Nagin asserted that they were used to hire consultants and purchase computer software needed to sustain New Orleans' "virtual police force."

"The software had to be custom made," said Nagin. "It's not something you can buy at CompUSA. Software designers don't come cheap. Neither do the public relations experts who developed our media campaign."

The media campaign featured TV spots of various street people implying that they could be undercover cops. In one ad, an apparently toothless derelict looks into the camera and says "I be watchin' you. So, don't you go misbehavin'."

Unimpressed by Nagin's explanation, the FBI asserted it will continue its investigation.

Also see: http://katrinacoverage.com/2005/11/14/nopd-phantom-cops-real-or-fiction.html

Changing Standards Make it Tough for Schools to Define Unacceptable Profanity

Public school officials are grappling with a rising tide of profanity from America's students. A recent study compiled by the Linguistics Institute revealed that 18 percent of the words used in common, every day speaking by high school students are words that some might classify as obscene, derogatory or pornographic.

Many cite the entertainment industry for this trend in speaking habits. "You've got swearing in movies and on TV. You've got pornography everywhere. You've got music lyrics loaded with slurs. This is polluting our culture and degrading our children," complained a concerned parent.

Not everyone, however, is appalled. "Language must adapt to changing times," said Boca Raton school administrator Phil Buckener. "Shakespeare invented many new words. Today's performers are doing likewise. So, we need to update our textbooks, manuals and visual aids to make them more relevant in the eyes of the students."

As a start, the Boca Raton School District has made the "Rap Dictionary" required reading for all teachers. "To the unhip teacher, hearing one student call another 'bitch' or 'nigga' sounds derogatory," said Buckener. "But the Rap Dictionary defines these words as the equivalent of 'girlfriend' and 'friend,' respectively."

Trying out a hipper turn of phrase, Buckener vowed he was going to show the students he was their “f'ing nigga."

NY Times Retracts John Roberts Memo Story

The New York Times retracted the basis of a story in the paper that erroneously reported that Supreme Court nominee John Roberts had authored "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion." In an unusual move, the newspaper published two versions of the correction, one on the regular A-2 corrections page, and another on A22 in the national news section, which ran 243 words. The second version was also written by the same writer of the original story, Adam Liptak.

Liptak's first story, published on an inside A section page, reported that this notorious anti-semitic screed had been written by Roberts during his time as a White House lawyer in the early 1980s.

"While the original story was based on sources we deemed reliable, a little fact-checking discovered that the 'Protocols' had actually been published in 1903," said Times' managing editor Rick Fabulator. "Although our research efforts aren't fully concluded, we are now persuaded that it is unlikely Roberts could have been its author."

Sheehan Meets with McCain

Anti-war protestor Cindy Sheehan was granted a meeting with Senator John McCain. Sheehan came away from the meeting confirmed she is on the right path.

"McCain is just another warmonger," said Sheehan. "The fact that he has flown combat missions in Viet Nam and spent six years as a prisoner-of-war being tortured by Communists does mean anything. I am the one with absolute moral authority on the issue of war. I'm the one whose child was killed by that murderer in the White House."

"We all sympathize with the pain Ms. Sheehan is suffering," said McCain. "The death of a son is hard to bear. But we need to recognize that Casey Sheehan died fighting Islamic terrorists who, if they had their way, would subjugate Ms. Sheehan to oppressive, gender-discriminatory rules."

McCain said he reminded Ms. Sheehan that the freedom to speak is not a right that would be accorded to her by the fanatics who killed her son. He also pointed out, though, that Ms. Sheehan will be in violation of the McCain-Feingold regulations if she fails to register with the government and continues her criticisms into the pre-election "blackout" period barring negative comments directed at incumbents.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 400 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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