Democratic leaders called the latest National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iraq ‘s assessment of President Bush’s “surge” strategy “incredible.” General David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, and Ambassador Ryan Crocker, the top U.S. diplomat in Baghdad are said to be facing a tough grilling when they give testimony to key congressional committees this week.

“To be blunt, I find the report incredible—as in hard to believe,” Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich.) said. “The claim that there has been significant progress in Iraq directly contradicts what the Democratic leadership in congress and our two presidential candidates have been saying. It is intolerable that such views should be permitted at this critical moment in our history.”

Levin downplayed the contention that since Petraeus and Crocker were “on-the-scene” in Iraq they might have a better feel for what’s going on than the Democratic congress. “They may be in touch with conditions in Iraq, but we’re in touch with the American voters,” Levin pointed out. “Americans are tired of this war. They want it to end. So-called ‘good news’ impedes congress’ efforts to call it quits.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) seconded Levin’s comments and urged Patraeus and Crocker to “pay attention to the calendar. The Bush administration is nearing its end. If they have any concern for their careers they should consider whether what they say in their testimony will please their new masters.”

LA City Council Debates “Ban” on Homicides

A motion to proclaim a 40-hour moratorium on homicides in honor of the 40^th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination was vigorously debated by the Los Angeles City Council before the idea was shelved.

The ban had been proposed by author and political commentator Earl Ofari Hutchinson as “a first small step toward the eradication of violence in our city. We start with 40-hours. Once we see we can do without murders for that small period, we go for 40-days, then 40-weeks, etc. Eventually, there will be no more killings. That would be the ultimate tribute to the memory of Dr. King.”

Opinion on the Council was split between those who opposed the ban because it was too limited and those who felt it would harm the local economy.

“We should make murder illegal for all 365 days a year, not just 40-hours,” argued Councilman Richard Alarcon. “Otherwise we aren’t being serious about this problem.”

Councilman Manuel Asesinar called the proposed ban “short-sighted.” “There are many sectors of our economy that would be hard-hit be this ban,” Asesinar said. “Many businesses must handle large sums of cash and highly valuable commodities that others would like to steal. If they can’t use deadly force to protect their assets how are they going to serve their customers?”

When the Council was unable to reach a consensus on the measure, it was dropped.

Obama Gropes for Alternative to Deporting Illegals

In answer to a question about border security, Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) responded that deporting 12 million illegal aliens is not “realistic.” “We are not going to send them home,” Obama promised.

Obama suggested that if each American family could just take in one or more of them, the problem would be solved. “Surely, there are many households in need of a maid or gardener,” Obama declared. “Michelle and I are willing to take at least one of each. All I ask is that others open their hearts and their doors out of a spirit of generosity, lest we be forced to adopt sterner measures.”

The “sterner measures” could be referring to a proposal requiring citizens to board illegal aliens in private homes. The legislation, originally introduced by Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) in 2006, is modeled on the troop boarding practices employed in Boston during the 1770s.

Al-Qaeda Vows More Attacks, UN, Europe Beg for Mercy

Al Qaeda’s Ayman al-Zawahri declared the United Nations an enemy to Muslims and vowed attacks on Jews “wherever they may be found—as prescribed in the Quran.” Zawahiri called twin bomb attacks on U.N. buildings in Algiers which killed 41 people in December and the bombing of a U.N. building in Baghdad in 2003 which killed 22, “down payments on the debt of blood owed by these unbelievers.”

UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon issued an urgent plea for mercy to al-Qaeda. “We’re not your enemy, really, we’re not,” Ban insisted. “Look, our Human Rights Commission just voted 32-0 to punish those who insult Islam. Please tell us what more we can do. We’ll do whatever you say. Just don’t hurt us.”

The government of Austria made its own bid ward off Islamic terror by pressing charges against Susanne Winter, a member of the Austrian Freedom Party, for saying that Islam is “a totalitarian system of domination that should be cast back to its birthplace on the other side of the Mediterranean.” If convicted, Winter could be sentenced to up to two years in prison.

“Better we sacrifice the free speech of the few, rather than expose the many to the wrath of these fanatics,” said prosecutor Otto Kleinlaut. “If we don’t do something to placate them they’ll kill many more than just this one woman.”

In Holland, the Federation of Dutch Employers is looking into the possibility of suing Geert Wilders. “This man’s insistence on focusing on the violence committed in the name of Allah is endangering our profits,” said Federation chairman Hans Geldgier. “What if Muslims boycott Dutch products? Shouldn’t Wilders be held liable?”

In related news, two Iranian immigrants’ accusation of discrimination has sparked a federal investigation of the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety. The crux of the complaint is that the refusal to provide the state driver’s license test in the Farsi language violates their right to equality under the law. “Everyone’s going to have to learn Farsi eventually anyway once Iran conquers America, so what’s the big deal” asked Arash Jahandar, one of the complainants.

Hillary Said Ousted from Watergate Role for Unethical Behavior

Jerry Zeifman, the Democrat chief of staff of the House Judiciary Committee that worked on the Watergate investigation, says he fired Hillary from the committee staff and refused to give her a letter of recommendation – one of only three people Zeifman refused to recommend to other employers in his 17-year career, “because she was a liar. She was an unethical, dishonest lawyer. She conspired to violate the Constitution, the rules of the House, the rules of the committee and the rules of confidentiality.”

Clinton defended her actions in the Watergate investigation as “necessary for the greater good. Look, we all know Nixon was a crook. So I bent a few rules in order to save the country from this criminal.” She attributed Zeifman’s criticisms to “the type rigid legalism promulgated by the vast right-wing conspiracy that has had me in its sights since the very beginning” and speculated that Zeifman may have turned against her “due to institutionalized misogyny that prevails in Washington.”

In related news, Emina Bicakcic, the Bosnian girl who met Hillary Clinton during her 1996 visit is shocked that the former first lady claimed to have dodged sniper fire that day. “I stood on the tarmac at the air base in Tuzla, greeted Mrs. Clinton and even had time to read her my poem,” Bicakcic, now 20 said. “There was no gunfire.” The girl’s account was dismissed by Clinton as “impossible. I was the only survivor on that dreadful day.”

Carville Explains “Judas” Remark “Milder than Warranted”

James Carville, long-time political advisor to the Clintons explained that calling New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson a “Judas” for endorsing rival Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president was “mild” compared to what is yet to come. “I was going easy on the guy,” Carville alleged. “If I’d wanted to get tough I would pointed out that Richardson has lost the privilege of swallowing anymore of Bill Clinton’s semen.”

Richardson denied that he deserved either the remarks or being “cut off from life’s ambrosia.” “It’s unfair,” Richardson complained. “Did I rat on them when they took bribes from the Chinese government? Did I try to stop them from illegally pilfering FBI files? Did I contradict Bill and Hillary’s feeble attempt to characterize his philandering as a vast right-wing conspiracy? No. I was loyal.”