Wealthy Democrats have donated $40 million to conduct a media campaign against the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain (Ariz.). The campaign will be led by David Brock, chairman of Progressive Media USA.

Brock said “the effort is necessary because the major media have fallen down on the job. A person who relies on TV and newspapers will have the impression that Senator McCain is some sort of war hero. But as Senator Rockefeller (D-W.V.) has pointed out, McCain fought on the wrong side in Vietnam. Thankfully, it turned out to be the losing side.”

“There are some key facts that the voters need to know about the Senator,” Brock continued. “For example, how many know that he’s neither Black nor female—two critical qualifying factors in this campaign? Well, that’s going to change. We’re confident that once the full story is told Americans will vote Democrat.”

In related news, Democratic presidential contender, Senator Barack Obama (Ill.) aimed his fire at McCain’s “advanced age.” “Do we want the face that America shows the world to be wrinkled and pasty?” Obama asked. “We can’t afford to have an old man running the country. Senator McCain’s done enough. It’s time for him to be put out to pasture with the rest of his peers.”

Obama Pledges Credit Cards for All Americans

Unfazed by the news of federal employees using government credit cards to pay for lingerie, gambling, iPods, Internet dating services, and other questionable items, Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) said “the reports on this so-called scandal have opened my eyes to an innovative possibility. The problem isn’t so much that government employees abused their privileges and wasted tax dollars, but that average Americans aren’t similarly enabled.”

“The country is facing hard times in this recession,” Obama asserted. “Some have lost their jobs. Others have lost their homes. This will cut into the spending needed to spur economic recovery. One way to offset this is to issue everyone a government credit card so they can buy what they need. Not only will we be heading off poverty. We’ll also be stimulating the economy.”

Under Obama’s plan, every adult living in the country would be issued a government credit card in exchange for signing a pledge “to buy only what they need.”

A Rasmussen survey showed 62 percent of those polled favored the idea. “It’s about time the government came through with their promise to fulfill my pursuit of happiness,” said poll respondent Bobby Omadawn of Cleveland. “I could be stimulating the economy plenty if I hadn’t lost my credit. This’ll fix that.”

Another 24 percent thought the issuance of cards would entail “unnecessary paperwork.” “Why should I have to hassle with a card?” pondered poll respondent Sharon Steele of New Orleans. “It’s just more ‘red-tape.’ They should just let us take what we need. Like we did during the hurricane.”

Clinton Speaks Out on Trust Issue

A recent poll in North Carolina showed that only 25 percent of voters think Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) is honest compared to 48 percent for Obama and 54 percent for Arizona Sen. John McCain. And Nearly 90 percent say trust is a major factor in deciding who they would vote for. Similar doubts about Clinton's honesty have surfaced in polls by Gallup and Pew Research. These results don’t bode well for Clinton in the upcoming May 6 North Carolina presidential primary.

Clinton called this emphasis on honesty short-sighted and unfair. “I’ll grant that honesty seems important to a lot of people, but really, isn’t it over-rated?” Clinton asked. “What about cunning and guile? Aren’t these skills that help get the job done? You know, a lot of people seem to forget that cunning and guile served the nation well during the first Clinton Administration.”

The former First Lady called Democratic rival Senator Barack Obama “a naïf whose inexperience will land this country in trouble. Besides, is he truly any more honest than me? Can we honestly believe he slept through all those anti-American sermons from Pastor Wright? For crying out loud, he was elected by the Chicago machine—one of the most proficient and corrupt practitioners of vote fraud in the nation. Give me a break.”

While conceding that voters appear to trust McCain more than either of his Democratic rivals, Clinton suggested that “they might be overlooking the inflexibility that honesty imposes on policy. There will surely be times when bending the truth serves the greater good of the nation. From ‘day-one’ I’ll be on the lookout for such opportunities. Will an aged President McCain be as agile?”

Deportation to Mexico Called “Crime against Humanity”

Mexico’s President Felipe Calderón denounced the U.S. Government’s increased deportation of Mexican nationals to his country as “a crime against humanity.”

“These people have endured great hardships to escape the poverty that plagues Mexico,” Calderón pointed out. “Many have paid large sums to be smuggled into Norte America. They have survived dangerous journeys across the desert. All they want is a better life—decent schools, free health care, the kind of things they can’t get here. We can’t deal with this flood of humanity. It is cruel beyond measure to send them back.”

Calderón said he would ask the United Nations to sanction the United States and “make them pay reparations.” “If they are going to send these people here, they ought to provide the funds for their care and upkeep,” Calderón demanded. “There should be no ‘free pass’ for them to shirk responsibility.”

Russian Government Condemns “Fitna” Film

The Ministry of Foreign Affair of Russia has joined the ranks of those condemning Geert Wilders’ film critique of Islamic violence. “It is unfair and slanderous,” said Deputy Minister, Vladimir Dzerzhinsky. “It’s like blaming the gulag on communism.”

Dzerzhinsky was pessimistic about the consequences that may follow from airing “Fitna.” “There was a time when something like this would have been dealt with quickly and sternly,” Dzerzhinsky opined. “Alas, there are no men of steel anymore. Hooligans like Wilders are free to criticize whomever they please without the government taking action to correct matters.”

In related news, Saudi Cleric Muhammad Al-Munajid warned that “wanton exercise of freedom of speech is too risky to be tolerated. The words of the infidels invade the thoughts of the faithful, corrupting them, and leading them to apostasy. There is no need for Muslims to think. This is the prerogative of religious scholars, not the ignorant masses. Their role is to believe and obey. That is their path to Paradise.”

Schwarzenegger Now Opposes Ban on Gay Marriage

California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) has come out against a citizen initiative aimed at banning gay marriage in the state. His new position puzzled many observers. Previously, the Governor had vetoed legislation that would have legalized gay marriage.

Schwarzenegger explained that “I was given a penetrating analysis by a member of the Log Cabin Republicans that just ‘blew me away.’” The governor proclaimed himself “more receptive to the idea” and said that the LGBT (Lesbian, gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) movement could count on his backing should the need arise. “I will terminate the initiative,” Schwarzenegger boasted.

Parents Squabble over Son’s Future

Joseph Manzanares accosted his girlfriend, Laquisha Bobo, in the Hollywood Video store in Commerce City, Colorado where she worked, knocked over several video displays and a computer and threatened to kill her – all because of a dispute over which gang their 4-year-old son should join.

The mother is a member of the Crips. Manzanares belongs to the Westside gang. Each was adamant that their son be affiliated with his or her gang.

“A man has the right to bring up his son the way he chooses,” Manzanares insisted. “It’s a matter of pride.”

“A mother knows what’s best for her baby,” Bobo retorted.