Presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.), who has faced widespread criticism of his characterization of rural Americans as bitter and racist, says the intensity of the reaction “proves the validity of what I said. The animosity shown toward the first credible Black man to run for president is evidence enough that racism is still the mainstream of rural America.”

“I don’t totally blame them for being bitter,” Obama went on. “I’m articulate, clean and charismatic—everything that they’re not. And I’m a millionaire, to boot. It’s got to be hard on these rednecks to see a Black man outshine them by such a wide margin.”

Obama said that despite the animosity, he plans to be magnanimous with such people once he is president. “While it wouldn’t be safe to continue to allow them to cling to their guns, I believe we can tolerate letting them keep their Bibles as long as they don’t start any trouble,” Obama promised.

The Senator indicated it would be unlikely that he’d be as lenient with “the turncoat who made my private remarks on this subject public. There will be accountability.”

Presidential rival, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) suggested that Obama’s betrayal by someone he trusted “show’s he is a poor judge of character.” “You know, I’ve learned the hard way, that even those closest to you can’t really be trusted,” Clinton observed. “I think this episode proves that Senator Obama is too naïve and callow to bear the responsibilities of the presidency.”

Obama Receives Hamas Endorsement

In addition to recent endorsements from such luminaries as New Mexico’s Governor Bill Richardson, former Clinton Cabinet member Robert Reich, former Democratic Senators Sam Nunn (Georgia) and David Boren (Oklahoma), Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) received a not unexpected endorsement from Hamas, the Palestinian terrorist organization. The announcement came in the midst of former president Jimmy Carter’s tour of the region.

“While we do not know this Obama well, we have been advised of his sterling qualities by President Carter during his visit,” said Ahmed Yousef, chief political adviser to Palestine’s Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniya. “President Carter, who is one of the few Americans to truly understand the Jewish problem, has told us that Senator Obama can be trusted to follow the same anti-Zionist path to peace that he has advocated.”

Yousef said Hamas “places great confidence in the recommendation of this noble and most excellent former ruler of America. We will do what we can to assist Senator Obama’s campaign. We await his instructions.”

In related news, former president Carter laid what observers are calling “an exceedingly wet” kiss on Nasser Shaer, a senior Hamas politician during a closed-door reception in the West Bank section of Israel. “I just love these people,” Carter professed as he laid a wreath on the grave of Yasser Arafat, whom he praised as “a man with extraordinarily supple and moist skin. I was devastated by his death. To never feel again—that is pure torture.”

Elementary School Bans “Tag”

The Kent Gardens Elementary School in McLean, Virginia has placed a ban on the school yard game of tag—alleging that it “sends the wrong message.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to comfort a weeping child who didn’t want to be ‘it,’” said Vice-Principal Pat Keister. “The game is too stressful and competitive. This contradicts the message of love and affection we are trying to convey through the free condom distribution program for our fifth-graders.”

Clinton and Obama Agree on “Electability”

Despite strenuous and continuing efforts to portray each other in the most negative light possible, both Democratic presidential contenders responded affirmatively to the question of the other’s electability during their recent debate in Pennsylvania.

“Yes, yes she can,” was Senator Barack Obama’s assessment of Senator Hillary Clinton’s potential to defeat Republican nominee Senator John McCain. “She has the raw cunning and guile necessary to succeed with American voters. She’s proven this by surviving scandal after scandal during her husband’s political career. Ever time she’s been down, she has risen again—just as scum always rises to the surface of a pond.”

“You know, Senator Obama is a remarkable man,” Clinton said in response. “Despite his meager, almost nonexistent, governmental experience he has been able to mesmerize voters with his virtually inexhaustible supply of empty platitudes. So, yes, I’d say voters are gullible enough to elect this poseur.”

Russian Duma Distinguishes Between Hitler and Stalin

Russia's lower house of parliament passed a resolution absolving former dictator Josef Stalin from a charge of genocide. The allegations of genocide stemmed from Stalin’s murder of the Kulaks during the 1930s.

“Hitler killed millions to promote his dream of fascist world conquest,” asserted Majority Leader, Lev Dupovich. “Stalin liquidated the enemies of Communism. It was a completely different thing.”

To further his argument, Dupovich pointed out that “Unlike Hitler’s victims Stalin’s were of more varied ethnic backgrounds. Stalin’s terror was more random. It didn’t matter what race or religion a person was. If Stalin felt you were a danger to the revolution he took measures to head off any trouble. So, as anyone can see, the term genocide is totally inappropriate.”

Dupovich complained that statistics indicating Stalin killed more (estimated 40 million) than Hitler (estimated 20 million) are “an unfair comparison.” “Hitler was in power for only 12 years,” Dupovich reminded. “Stalin ruled for nearly 30 years. So, the annual toll for Hitler was nearly 1.7 million, whereas for Stalin it was only 1.4 million. Stalin ought to get some credit for killing fewer than he could have, given his opportunity. He showed more forbearance than he had to.”

Human Tissue Authority Denies Woman’s Deathbed Request

Despite the fact that Laura Ashworth told family and friends she wanted to donate one of her kidneys to her mother, the United Kingdom’s Human Tissue Authority declared that the disposition of the deceased woman’s organs would be determined by normal protocol.

“People may believe that their bodies and organs belong to them,” said Carl Marks, spokesman for the Human Tissue Authority. “But they’d be wrong. It is the collective well-being of the nation is the governing factor. The law has declared that bodies and organs are the public’s resources and appointed us to decide how they will be distributed.”

To emphasize this point, Marks cited the government’s plan to do away with the requirement that people must give their consent for their organs to be “harvested.” “I think this states pretty clearly who owns what and it’s not the individual,” Marks said.

“There are thousands of people on the waiting lists for transplants,” Marks continued. “Why should a person without one functioning kidney suffer when the vast majority have more than they need? Look, we drafted whole bodies to serve the nation during the War. Drafting a kidney, lung, or eye is a lesser burden on the individual than that. It’s the next logical step for the National Health Service.”

Ms. Ashworth’s mother, Rachel Leake, urgently needs a kidney and as a diabetic she could also have benefited from receiving her daughter's pancreas. Leake says her daughter “would be devastated that she was not able to help her mum.” The daughter’s organs were given to two men and a woman.

Kennedy Says Mental Problems and Drug Abuse Make Him a Better Representative

Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.), son of Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.), boasted that his personal struggles with alcoholism, substance abuse and mental illness have made him a better member of Congress. “Look, the majority who elected me to serve as their representative obviously have mental problems of their own,” Kennedy admitted. “Drunks, addicts and the deranged deserve to be represented by someone they can more easily identify with. I’m their man.”