“Commentators like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh would have their audience believe that I am un-American,” Wright complained. “Listen, when I said ‘God dam America,’ I was trying to urge the nation to make an investment in the expansion of clean hydroelectric power and flood control. I mean, coal-fired electricity is contributing to global warming. And we all saw in New Orleans what inadequate flood control leads to.”

Likewise, Wright contends that his “chickens coming home to roost” comment made after the 9-11 catastrophe was “a prescient warning about the current food crisis.” “We’re seeing food riots around the world,” Wright observed. “If people would raise a few chickens in their homes they’d have a ready supply of meat and eggs. And, chicken is a white meat. It’s good for you.”

Obama said he is glad that his long-time friend is “getting a chance to clear up some major misunderstandings,” acknowledging that he, too, had missed the Reverend’s pragmatic suggestions. “If I hadn’t dozed-off so often in church I’d have been a lot better informed.”

The Senator says that as soon as he wraps up the Democratic presidential nomination he intends to work with his colleagues to introduce legislation overriding local zoning ordinances that restrict where chickens may be raised. “I call it a ‘first step’ in my promise to bring change to America,” he said.

In related news, Obama challenged his designation as the “most liberal” senator by the liberal National Journal. “Is voting for more government services, higher taxes on the rich, and more regulation ‘liberal?’” Obama asked. “I think if you consult your dictionary you’ll see that it is not.” Obama said that a “much-needed restoration of the ‘Fairness Doctrine’ would allow the government’s Federal Communication Commission to prevent such distortions in the future.”

Senate Majority Leader Cites Another Unforeseen Consequence of Iraq War

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) professes that “the consequences of America’s over commitment in Iraq are far broader and more insidious than Republicans will admit.”

As a case in point, Reid cited the recent riots in the Congo. “While our resources have been sapped fighting a foolish war we didn’t need to start, greater evils are being perpetrated around the globe,” Reid said. “In the Congo, the forces of darkness have conspired to shrivel the penises of countless innocent men.”

A wave of panic and attempted lynchings led police in Congo to arrest 13 suspected sorcerers for using black magic to shrink men's penises.

Reid warned against a complacency of “thinking it can’t happen here,” alleging that his “discreet observations in the senate restroom give me cause for concern.”

Bolivian Marxist Calls for Humanity to Return to a Simpler Life

Bolivia's President Evo Morales delivered a keynote address to the United Nations forum on Indigenous People in which he proclaimed "if we want to save our planet earth, to save life, we have a duty to put an end to the capitalist system and the unbridled prosperity that is killing the planet."

In its place, Morales urged people to “live our lives the way nature intended—solitary, nasty, brutish, and short.”

The Bolivian president dismissed objections as “excessively human-centric.” “Humans have an over-inflated sense of their own importance,” Morales said. “They don’t realize that their lives and happiness are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. We are all just temporary occupiers of space, using and reusing atoms that have existed for billions of years and will continue to exist for billions of years after we are dead.”

Morales asserted that human consciousness is “destabilizing” and that the sooner it is eliminated, the safer it will be for the planet “to live out its natural life.”

Hamas Won't Recognize Israel or Grant Lasting Peace

Despite former president Jimmy Carter’s claim to have negotiated an agreement for Hamas to recognize Israel’s right to exist and a promise to live in peace, Hamas leader, Khaled Mashaal, said his militant Islamic group will never recognize Israel nor agree to peace.

Mashaal said that Carter’s misunderstanding is the “result of his inability to comprehend that the Quran commands us to slay the Jews wherever we may find them.” “He is a simpleton who believes in ‘turning the other cheek,’” Mashaal conceded. “Now, our land is the first place we are going to look for Jews to kill. If they leave they’ll have a respite until we are strong enough to pursue them where they have fled.”

“Trying to give balanced coverage plays into the hands of those who would spread doubt about the need for government to take charge in this crisis,” Stengel went on. “There is no time for debate. We don’t need for voters to understand the science. We just need for them to elect the right people and grant them the necessary authority.”

Stengel said “this notion that journalism is objective, or must be objective is something that has always bothered me. If I have the power to reach millions of readers why should I fritter it away by giving my enemies a so-called fair hearing? I’d be doing less than I could to change the world.”

Film Maker Endorses Obama

Michael Moore, producer of the movie “Sicko” and author of the book “Stupid White Men” confirmed his thesis by announcing that he would “vote for a turd as long as it had the Democratic ‘D’ next to it.” To show he was serious, he issued an endorsement of Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president.

“Normally, I don’t like to get involved in politics,” Moore alleged. “If it weren’t for the fact that I’ve made millions off it I’d really hate it. But in these critical times I can’t sit by and let Republicans continue to dismantle our government.”

Moore said he was confident that “the lessons from the Cuban Revolution wouldn’t be lost on Obama. He’s a man of vision who’s not afraid to take the radical steps needed to bring everyone together in one great collective effort to change this country.”

Lawyers Association Warns Voters Not to Trust Republicans

Concerned that the in-fighting between Democratic presidential rivals Senator Hillary Clinton (N.Y.) and Barack Obama (Ill.) may be damaging the Party’s chances in November, a member of the American Trial Lawyers Association (ATLA) pointed out that presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain (Ariz.) is not a lawyer.

“In our complex society, only lawyers can truly comprehend what’s going on,” said ATLA vice-chairperson, Constance Caviller. “As a navy pilot, John McCain may have followed orders and fought for his country, but that didn’t prepare him to govern in these complicated times.”