Retired Colonel Bud Day’s tale of how fellow prisoner of war, John McCain helped save him from becoming a cripple sparked sharp criticism from Democratic National Chairman, Howard Dean.

Day had escaped and been recaptured by the North Vietnamese. When he was caught, a guard broke his arm, left part of a bone sticking out, and put him in a misshapen cast. The objective was to ensure improper healing. “I told you I would make you a cripple,” the guard taunted.

Risking severe punishment, McCain put Col. Day on the floor of his cell and used his foot to force the broken bone into its proper place. Then, using the bandage from his own wounded leg and bamboo strips collected from the prison yard, McCain put Day's broken arm into a splint.

Heroic, you think? Not to Dr. Dean. As he sees it, “McCain was guilty of practicing medicine without a license. We who have gone through proper channels and extensive training know the dangers of unlicensed medicine. McCain’s ‘guerilla’ doctoring undermines the foundation of our health regulations. Given the importance of the health care issue in this election, can we really afford someone who has shown his cavalier disregard for these regulations to become our next president?”

According to Dean, McCain’s unlicensed practice of medicine wasn’t the only troubling aspect of his Vietnam War service. “He’s also an admitted war criminal,” Dean contended. As evidence, Dean pointed to a statement McCain signed after being tortured by his captors. “In this statement, McCain wrote ‘I am a black criminal and I have performed the deeds of an air pirate,’” Dean recounted. “Not only does he confess to piracy, he claims to be black—an egregious lie and a slur on people of color.”

Dean predicted McCain will lose in November because, “The American people won’t tolerate such dishonesty and criminality in a president.”

In related news, MoveOn.org launched a series of anti-McCain ads arguing that “McCain is Bush.” “Look, we think that voters have already rejected Bush’s aggression against the religion of peace and the tax cuts that have diverted resources from vital public programs to serve private greed in the 2006 election,” said MoveOn.org spokesman Tom Fulery. “Our job is to make sure they know that Senator McCain supports Bush’s policies on these critical issues.”

House Speaker Decries Supreme Court Decision on Voter IDs

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the Supreme Court’s decision on Indiana’s voter identification law “undemocratic.” The law requires voters to show a valid photo ID in order to obtain a ballot.

“The Court’s decision places obstacles to the fundamental rights of the people, especially the ignorant, the undocumented, and the inanimate—the very people whose circumstances tend to impede their ability to register or cast a vote,” Pelosi complained. “The right to vote is a foundation of our democracy. Everyone who wishes to vote must be allowed to do so.”

Pelosi predicted that the ruling would “reduce 2008 voter turnout and permit a narrowly defined clique of established citizens to determine the outcome, resulting in another four years of Republican misrule.”

Obama Insists He Can Win the Blue-Collar Vote

Put on the defensive by charges of “elitism,” Democratic presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (Ill) insisted that he can appeal to people in all walks of life.

“Those who say I can’t connect with the diverse peoples of this country don’t know the real me,” Obama said. “To say that I don’t understand the point of view of the blue-collar man is absurd. I, myself, have often worn a shirt with a blue collar. There are pictures of me in a blue shirt at campaign rallies. So, don’t tell me I don’t know what it is like to wear a blue-collar.”

As further evidence of the breadth of his exposure to a diverse culture, Obama reminded questioners that he had recently “choked down” most of a waffle at a morning campaign stop. This showed, Obama claimed, “that I’m willing to step outside my comfort zone to experience how the other fellow lives.”

His effort to, as he says, “commune with the common man,” goes back to his teen years when he forced himself to play basketball “because I understood it was what Black boys do.”

In related news, Obama reaffirmed his disinclination to engage in further debates with rival presidential contender Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) on the grounds that “she is a yammering harridan.”

Bill Clinton Appalled at Hillary’s Campaign Goofs

Former president Bill Clinton told Time magazine that his wife Hillary's presidential campaign has committed “political malpractice.” “She burned through the campaign cash and didn't plan for races past Super Tuesday,” Bill said. “If she treated our own money this way we’d be broke.”

“And, voters think she’s unlikable,” he continued. “That’s understandable. She’s got some prickly parts. There were days I’d just have to stay out of sight. I practically had to lead a secret life for much of our marriage.”  

“The best thing the girl has going for her is Obama’s unsavory associations with kooks like Reverend Wright and crooks like Tony Rezko,” Clinton maintained. “Luckily for her, Wright just can’t seem to shut up. He’s the gift that keeps on giving.”

In related news, Senator Clinton (D-NY) denounced President Bush for not stopping the Chinese government from buying an Indiana company and moving the jobs to China. Reminded that the transaction actually took place during her husband’s administration, Senator Clinton drew a distinction by pointing out that “Bush got nothing from the Chinese in exchange for not stopping it, while Bill got generous campaign help against Bob Dole for initiating it. I will drive similar hard bargains when I’m president.”

Prisoner Says He Is Being Starved

A man awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing Benton County, Arkansas, complaining that the “skimpy rations” he has been fed in the county jail caused him to lose more than 100 pounds during eight months in jail.

“I used to be a sturdy 400-plus pounds,” Laswell boasted. “Now, I’m practically skin and bones. It’s cruel and unusual punishment.”

Laswell is being assisted in his suit by the ACLU. “This is but another sorry example of the pattern of torture and abuse that has overtaken the U.S. penal system under the Bush Administration,” said ACLU spokesman, Bertram Petty. “Starving prisoners is the kind of thing you expect in a Nazi concentration camp, not in America. It’s a clear a violation of the 5^th Amendment.”

Jailhouse meals provide an average of 3,000 calories a day, according to jailer, Capt. Hunter Petray. A typical American diet consists of 2,000 to 3,000 calories a day.

Laswell has been charged along with a co-defendant for fatally beating and stabbing a man, then setting his home on fire.

U.S. Government Objects to Israeli Ambassador Calling Carter a “Bigot”

The United States Government registered an official protest with Israel after its ambassador to the United Nations, Dan Gillerman, called former U.S. President Jimmy Carter a “bigot’ and an “enemy of Israel.”

The U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv asked that Gillerman be made aware that “the U.S. administration's formal position is that President Carter is an idiot, not a bigot.” The Israelis were asked to respect this position in all its future references to the ex-president.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.