Sensing that the time may be ripe for a pompous Hollywood blowhard to enter congress, Actor Alec Baldwin, best known for his buffoonish antics on “Saturday Night Live” and “30 Rock,” says he is seriously thinking about running for political office.

“I’ve always had an interest in politics,” Baldwin said. “It was when I did an ‘SNL’ sketch parodying Barney Frank, that I thought—if a lisping pansy like him can get elected to congress, why not me?”

Baldwin was undaunted by the potential negative effect on his prospects of a widely circulated voice-mail message in which he called his daughter a “thoughtless little pig.” “Most voters are parents,” Baldwin said. “I think they know where I’m coming from on this issue. My bratty daughter doesn’t appreciate how lucky she is. She could’ve been aborted. I’m the one who’s being put upon here.”

Hillary Slams Wall Street’s “Capitalist Pigs”

As her chance for the Democratic presidential nomination dwindles, Senator Hillary Clinton (N.Y.), in a desperate attempt to eat into rival, Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s base, vowed that her administration would “expropriate the expropriators” by “imposing ‘windfall’ taxes and punitive regulation” on “capitalist pigs.”

Clinton conceded that her race for the nomination is an uphill fight. “I thought that exposing Senator Obama’s links to the Weather Underground would weaken his support among Democratic voters, but I was wrong,” she admitted. “Well, I want voters to know that I have progressive connections, too.”

Among the connections Clinton promises she will highlight in the remaining primaries is that radical leftist Saul Alinsky was her college mentor. “When Obama was just a snot-nosed kid, I was soaking up Marxist ideology at the knee of the great Saul Alinsky,” she boasted.

The Senator said she was not concerned that these revelations of a radical past would hurt her in November “because after I win the nomination, I’ll move back toward the ‘center.’ No one will remember what I said in May.”

In related news, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) questioned Hillary’s prospective suitability for a vice-presidential nomination. “Sure, she downed a shot of whiskey while campaigning in Pennsylvania, but could she drink a fifth in one sitting?” he asked. “Is she a good swimmer? What would she do if the ‘ship-of-state’ runs aground? There are just too many unknowns about her capabilities. The Democratic Party needs a VP nominee who can balance Senator Obama’s youthful exuberance with proven experience.”

Professor Sues Students

Dartmouth English professor Priya Venkatesan is suing her students for “mental harassment” and the college’s administrators for “failure to safeguard my emotional health.”

Venkatesan maintains that some of her students were so resistant to her exposition of “French narrative theory” that the classroom became a “hostile working environment.” “They argued with my ideas,” she charged. “They questioned my authority.”

The professor’s suit mentions a specific incident wherein students assailed her contention that science is “a patriarchal construct that suppresses feminine ways of knowing.” One of the students took issue, citing empirical evidence in his argument. When he was applauded by his classmates, Venkatesan broke into tears.

“He battered me with logic and data,” Venkatesan complained. “These are well-known tools of phalli-centric oppression.”

Venkatesan expressed confidence that her lawsuit would be profitable. “Dartmouth is an expensive school,” she pointed out. “So, I know the students’ parents have money. I will make them pay for the abuse their spawn have inflicted upon me.”

McCain Bristles at Accusation He Has a Bad Temper

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (Ariz.) told a campaign audience that charges he has a bad temper make him angry. “In fact, I had to deck one of my senate colleagues for calling me ‘Senator Hothead,’” McCain announced. “For me, fighting for this country and my beliefs isn’t just a figure-of-speech.”

McCain argued that he is “the perfect candidate for those bitter Americans who cling to guns and religion and have antipathy toward those who hate our country.”

Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) called McCain’s remarks “a vindication of my plan to rejuvenate America by sweeping aside the angry oldsters Senator McCain represents.” Obama denied he was insensitive to the needs of the elderly. “Under my administration there will be death with dignity for these people,” he promised.

In related news, Obama boasted that he’s “campaigned in 57 states—more than any of my competitors. I think when it comes to showing that I want to represent all the people, I’ve walked the walk.” Obama said he regretted not being able to campaign in Hawaii, where he was born, but was advised against it “because Hawaii is not yet a state.”

Panhandlers Sue Canadian City

Ottawa’s Panhandlers’ Union has filed a $1 million lawsuit against the City for blocking access to a highway underpass where a youth was murdered. “The area in question is dark, dank and rank,” explained City Attorney Alfred Throckmorton. “Closing it off enhances public health and safety.”

The suit describes the underpass as a “critical ‘dumping’ ground for the homeless community.” “These people have nowhere else to go,” said Union lawyer Amos Arrant. “So, one person was murdered. Unfortunate as this may be, putting up with an occasional murder is the price we may have to pay for preserving a traditional and time-honored way of life.”

The Union was formed sometime ago (none of its members can remember exactly when) in order to improve the panhandlers’ “working conditions.” “It’s not always warm and sunny in Canada,” Union member Greg Almsman reminded. “Sometimes the weather is downright rotten. We need to be able to solicit our ‘customers’ indoors. If we could, we wouldn’t need the underpass.”

Thus far, the City has resisted allowing the panhandlers the indoor “squatters’ rights” they seek.

Sharpton Defends Tax Evasion

Disclosure that he neglected to pay $1.5 million in taxes left minority rights advocate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, unfazed. “These are my reparations for 400 years of slavery and oppression,” Sharpton claimed. “Whitey owes me this money.”

It is Sharpton’s contention that congress’ failure to enact legislation compensating the current generation of African-Americans for the slavery endured by their long-dead ancestors entitles him to withhold payment of taxes on his “earnings.”

“Black men were beaten, exploited and murdered by white men,” Sharpton said. “I’m a Black man. The government is run by white men. Until they pay me for this suffering, I’m sure as Hell not going to pay the government what some honky IRS accountant says I owe.”

British Health Service Explains Cost-Containment Procedure

A recent incident in which a 61-year old woman was initially denied life-saving surgery, then granted it after a media hubbub, was characterized as a “prudent cost-containment procedure” by the National Health Service.

“As a general proposition, a 61-year old doesn’t have much social value,” NHS spokesman Winston Hardman explained. “Naturally, the first step in our cost-containment procedure is to deny service -- even if that means the individual will die as a result. If there is a public uproar sufficient to persuade us that the scrutiny being given to a particular case warrants a revised decision, well, we will make one.”

Hardman asserted that this seemingly callous and haphazard method was “socially adaptive.” “In cases where there is no significant public complaint, we save money,” Hardman said. “In the few cases where a public spectacle is created, we reverse course to save our budget allocation. It’s a logical way to preserve the aggregate well-being of the collective society.”

 

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.