Presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) rejected rival Senator John McCain’s (R-Ariz.) suggestion that the two of them make a joint visit to Iraq to assess the situation.

“Anyone who wants to be president has got to have a first-hand view of the situation on the ground in Iraq,” McCain said. “Visiting the area, talking to the commanders, troops and Iraqi leaders is essential to understanding what’s going on.” McCain’s currently planned trip would be his 8^th since the war began in 2003. Obama went to Iraq once, in 2006, and pronounced it a “a grievous mistake in which I had no part.”

Obama characterized McCain’s invitation a “crass political stunt.” “Does he think I’m fool enough to share my limelight with him?” Obama sarcastically asked. “I think that if I’m going to Iraq, I need to go on my own so I can be the center of attention, not as a tag-along with a former war hero.”

The Illinois senator blamed his lack of opportunity to travel and build up his foreign policy credentials on his Democratic presidential rival Senator Hillary Clinton (N.Y.). “If she’d just concede like everyone is asking her to do, I could bolster my resume with a few high-profile visits to countries like Iraq, Iran, and Africa,” Obama said. “I could get a head start rebuilding the bridges President Bush has buried.”

In related news, Obama denied that his claim to have seen many of the nation’s fallen soldiers during his Memorial Day speech was a “gaffe.” “I have better vision than most people, especially my esteemed 70-year-old, bifocal-wearing opponent,” Obama bragged. “And when the votes are tallied next November, I expect that the vast majority of these soldiers will have had their ballots cast for me.”

Congressman Wants to Repeal Law of Supply & Demand

Representative Maurice Hinchey (D-N.Y.) says he is drafting legislation that will “roll back gasoline prices.” Under his proposal, the price would be capped at $2.49 per gallon. Recently, gasoline has been selling for around $4 per gallon.

“If we leave it to the market there’s no telling how high prices will go,” Hinchey complained. “My bill will make fuel affordable for the average driver.”

The congressman was unfazed by the fact that the cost of the crude oil needed to produce a gallon of gasoline is around $2.75. State and federal taxes add another 50 cents or so, for a total of around $3.25 before transportation, refining and marketing costs.

“There’s no way we could get fuel to the customer for the price Mr. Hinchey wants to legislate,” said ExxonMobile Senior Vice President J. Stephen Simon. “In effect, his bill will outlaw the supply of gasoline. It’ll be worse than the gas lines we saw during the Carter Administration.”

Hinchey dismissed Simon’s objections. “President Carter had the right idea,” Hinchey asserted. “He just wasn’t tough enough on these corporate vultures. My bill will impose severe penalties for non-compliance.”

Under Hinchey’s bill, vendors would be subject to one year in prison for each gallon sold above the $2.49 mandated price. “These corporate profiteers will come around once a million-year prison sentence is staring them in the face,” said Hinchey.

Iranian President Demands Audience with Pope

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has been granted a visa to travel to Italy by Silvio Berlusconi’s government, has demanded an audience with Pope Benedict XVI. “It is my intention to give this doddering infidel one last chance to accept Islam before we cast his severed head into the fiery pit of Hell,” Ahmadinejad offered.

Ahmadinejad asked that the meeting be scheduled between the Muslim afternoon and evening call to prayers on either June 4^th or 5^th. “I am willing to meet with this fool, but he must accommodate my schedule,” the Iranian president demanded.

In related news, Iran’s foreign minister, Manouchehr Mottaki, predicted that “Senator Obama will defeat the satanic Bush in the upcoming election and put an end to our country’s long nightmare. For eight years, America’s foreign policy has been dominated by mindless opposition to Islam’s righteous jihad. We are hopeful that a more open-minded man will alter America’s course before it is too late.”

Obama Boasts of Uncle’s War Heroism

Presidential candidate Senator Obama sought to boost his election prospects by glomming onto some vicarious glory achieved by what he called “one of my ‘white-ass’ uncles.”

“Those trying to paint me as uninformed about the vicissitudes of national defense are overlooking the education I got from my Uncle Charlie,” Obama said. “You know, my Uncle Charlie was with the troops that freed the Jews at Auschwitz during the war. I think this education shows I have sufficient background and knowledge on matters of war and peace.”

Obama said he hoped that the revelation of his “uncle’s heroism in saving the Jews during one of our previous wars” would help allay fears that his association with Nation of Islam anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan might portend an unsympathetic attitude toward “those people.”

In related news, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) condemned a McCain campaign brochure featuring a picture of U.S. Iraqi War commander General David Petraeus, calling it “shameless war-mongering. Senator McCain is sending a bellicose message when what is needed is one of conciliation. It’s like he’s saying it’s ‘us’ vs. ‘them.’ This obstructs the unification of all behind a common goal that I believe our adversaries call the ‘umma.’ I just hope the voters will understand that Senator Obama is the only one who can bring about this unification.”

Dem Presidential Contenders Each Line up Key Support

Democratic presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (Ill) cited recent polls showing that he has overwhelming support from Europeans as “one more persuasive reason why I should be the next president.”

A survey in Britain, France, Germany, Italy and Russia, showed Obama receiving 52 percent of the vote to just 15 percent for Senator McCain. The individual country-by-country tallies showed Obama leading by 67-6 percent in Germany, 70-15 in Italy, 65-8 in France, 49-14 in Britain. McCain did best in Russia where Obama led by only a 31-24 margin (45 percent of Russians wrote-in Joseph Stalin on their mock ballots).

“It’s clear that the whole world wants me to be America’s next president,” Obama declared. “This is a global mandate unmatched by either of my rivals.”

While Obama was nailing down the important European constituency, his rival for the Democratic nomination, Senator Clinton was capturing the lion’s share of the vote of Puerto Rico’s prison inmates.

“Hillary gives us hope,” said prisoner #9023. “Her husband pardoned our brothers. She will set us free.”

Senator Clinton said she was “proud to be the choice of oppressed peoples. Senator Obama may have cornered the vote of the effete, cheese-eating and wine-sipping Europeans, but as I’ve been saying all along, the heart of America is with me. From Pennsylvania to Puerto Rico, the ill-clothed, ill-fed, and ill-educated are for me.”

Pelosi Tells Clinton: “I’m the Alpha Female in this Party”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) warned Senator Clinton that “her continued quest to surpass me as the ‘alpha female’ of the Democratic Party is an exercise in futility.”

“There is too much at stake in our country for us to be thinking that we can afford the luxury of continued intra-party battles,” said Pelosi. “Her gender card has been trumped by Senator Obama’s race card. She needs to get over it. If she will work with me, we can still be a formidable force for women’s interests.”

Pelosi said that she expects the primary battle between Clinton and Obama to be resolved this week. If it is not, she says she will “step in and slap some sense into Hillary before she drags the whole Party down to defeat.”

In related news, MSNBC’s insane pundit, Keith Olbermann, advised Democrats to put an end to partisanship after the November election by outlawing the Republican Party. “Look, we all know that Republicans are responsible for everything bad that has happened to this country for the last 150 years,” Olbermann contended. “What are we? Retards? Let’s get rid of these bastards.”

Olbermann cited the period of American history 200 years ago known as the “Era of Good Feelings,” when the Democratic Party totally dominated the government, in support of his idea. “With a Democratic majority in congress and a Democratic president, we can have our own ‘Era of Good Feelings,’” Olbermann suggested. “I say, let’s do it.”

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.