“A strong Soviet Union provided a counterbalancing force to offset U.S. imperialism,” Schumer contended. “In its absence, President Bush has been free to bully the world.”

The New York senator argued that the “mutually assured destruction of the Cold War era helped keep American aggression in check. Now, there’s no telling what new atrocities will be perpetrated by this country.”

As a start, Schumer insisted that all U.S. weapons and personnel be withdrawn from Europe. “U.S. forces are inhibiting an organic resolution of intra-European relations,” he said. “The Russians feel powerless and humiliated. The gains they won from defeating Hitler have been frittered away by weak leaders and American pressure. A withdrawal of our pressure would give Russia the confidence it needs to reassert itself in Eastern Europe—thereby, restoring the region to the status agreed upon at the historic Yalta Conference in 1945.”

Schumer said he doesn’t expect much of a response to his initiative from the Bush Administration, but holds forth great hope that the U.S. presidential election this November will “lead to the necessary changes in U.S. policy. I am confident that a President Obama will get this done.”

UN Official Decries Global Maldistribution of Food

The United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization’s Jacques Diouf charged that “Americans grow fat while the world starves” and demanded a “redistribution of food.”

The problem stems from capitalism, Diouf said. “Under capitalism, pure greed runs rampant,” he asserted. “Food that should be going to the undernourished poor in the Third World is being sold to obese Americans for profit.”

Diouf suggested that world hunger could be ended if food were parceled out based on need. “Everyone should get the food he needs, whether he is able to pay for it or not,” Diouf declared. “Those who are able to produce the food must be made to provide it whether they are paid or not. Only then will there be justice.”

A plan sketched out by Diouf would have his agency take charge of world food production and distribution. Under the plan, food would be “requisitioned” from producers around the globe and allocated to consumers by a committee of “skilled nutritionists” employed by the UN.

“Overeating will become a thing of the past,” Diouf promised.

In related news, Zimbabwe’s Marxist President Robert Mugabe defended his country’s agricultural policies against widespread criticism that it has caused food shortages. “Do I need to remind everyone that there is an obesity crisis facing the planet?” Mugabe asked. “My policy helps fight this scourge.”

Obama Calls McCain Campaign “Divisive”

The launching of a TV ad touting Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) for president, sparked outrage from the Obama campaign.

“At a time when the nation should be uniting, Senator McCain persists in stirring up opposition,” Obama complained. “I will concede that Senator McCain has served this nation honorably. We are grateful, but it’s time to move on to our new destiny. I invite the Senator to join our campaign for change.”

Others in the Obama camp were less gracious—attributing McCain’s continued opposition to an Obama presidency as “racism, pure and simple.” Supporters of Senator McCain’s bid for the office were warned. “We are taking note of these people,” said a source asking to remain anonymous. “If they don’t wise up, they shouldn’t be surprised when the hammer comes down on them next January. And turncoats like Lieberman—well, we will have a special treatment for them.”

Obama Clarifies Remarks on Jerusalem

Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) earned a rousing ovation at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee policy conference by announcing that “Jerusalem will remain the capital of Israel, and it must remain undivided.”

While Obama was currying favor with Jewish voters he was alienating other allies. Khaled Meshal, the exiled head of the Palestinian terror group Hamas, called Obama’s remarks a “betrayal of the Muslim cause. President Carter assured us we could trust this man. What is he doing siding with the Zionists?”

An Obama campaign advisor tried to clarify the Senator’s position by pointing out that “no specified period of time was committed to. The Senator is saying that Jerusalem is the capital and will remain so for some time. How long is a matter to be determined by negotiation with the Palestinians. It could be six-months, six-years or whatever length of time is mutually agreeable. The important thing right now is to ensure that Senator Obama has the support of a majority of voters next November.”

Teachers’ Union Calls Home-Schooling Threat to Unity

The issue of whether parents ought to be allowed to home-school their children will be heard before the California Court of Appeals later this month. A lower court declared the practice illegal under California law earlier this year.

The California Teachers Association filed an amicus brief urging the court to uphold the lower court’s decision. According to the brief, “allowing parents to teach their own children is educational anarchy. It would privatize a function that has long been held the prerogative of the state.”

“These home-schoolers insert a barrier between the state and its young citizens,” the brief continued. “This supplants the inculcation of a uniform philosophy of life with a cacophony of individualized world-views. This foments disagreement and dissention that undermine faith in our government and its leaders.”

The brief also assailed the “inherent inequalities flowing from individualized instruction. Test results consistently show home-schooled students out-performing publicly-educated students. Inasmuch as home-schooling is carried out by those unqualified to teach, these results must be attributed to genetic factors. Withholding these more talented children from the public school population disadvantages their less talented peers who lose the benefit of intellectual stimulation from having these brighter students in class.”

The brief demanded the forcible enrollment of all children in the public schools “in the name of equality and the general welfare.”

Governor Defends Lying Under Oath

Pennsylvania’s Governor Ed Rendell (D) says lying under oath is “necessary in some circumstances.”

The Governor said “however, perjury must be used judiciously, not indiscriminately.” To illustrate this distinction, Rendell argued that it would “never be permissible for an ordinary citizen to lie, but it might be for public officials such as myself. We have broader obligations that could require such prevarication.”

“Take the issue of adultery, for example,” Rendell said. “There would be no need for an ordinary person to lie about this under oath. The same isn’t true for a public official like me. An admitted instance of adultery could lead to me being forced from office. This could do irreparable harm to the state. To prevent this harm, I would be forced to deny the allegation even if it was true.”

Court Refuses to Stay Gay Marriage Decision Pending Outcome of Ballot Measure

Even though a constitutional amendment aimed it prohibiting same-sex "marriage" is slated for a November vote, the California Supreme Court refused to delay the implementation of its decision invalidating a California law against the practice.

“The argument that a delay would avert confusion is without merit,” the court wrote. “The premise that a voter-approved amendment would restore a ban on gay marriage is invalid. There is no higher authority than this court. No election can change that. If the gay marriage ban amendment were to pass, we would just have to strike it down later. Therefore, since the vote will not change anything, there is no point in waiting for its outcome.”