What started out as a plan to shift state workers to a 4-day, 10-hour work week with Fridays off, has morphed into a more sweeping measure after policy makers penciled out the numbers.

“At first we thought shutting down on Fridays looked like a good way to save some money during the budget crunch,” said Frank Lee, spokesman for Governor Jon Huntsman (R). “But when we looked at the costs and benefits in more depth it became clear that a total shutdown would be the best option for the state.”

“When you get right down to it, the sad fact is that with few exceptions, every hour a state employee spends on the job was found to reduce the state’s economic output,” Lee admitted. “The value of the services performed is just too low to justify the cost of providing them. This means that, on balance, the citizens of Utah would be better off keeping their tax-dollars and foregoing the so-called benefits of state government.”

The shutdown will begin, as originally planned, with a four-day work week. However, the main activity of state employees will be focused on selling-off state assets and privatizing state functions.

“By this time next year state government, as we have come to know it, will have ceased to exist,” Lee declared. “There’ll still be a governor and legislature, but these will be unpaid positions with the minimal task of maintaining law and order. The people of Utah will, like their forefathers, be left to fend for themselves.”

Arkansas is reported to be considering a similar plan. “State government in Arkansas has got to be at least as bad as it is in Utah,” state senator Tracy Steele (D-Little Rock) observed. “Maybe we ought to put it out of its misery.”

Obama Argues Judicial Appointments

Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) warned voters to carefully consider the issue of who they want appointing federal judges before they cast their ballots for president.

“Senator McCain has said he will appoint men who look to the past for guidance on how they will rule on the cases brought to them,” Obama pointed out. “If you want judges to play such a passive and uninspired role, maybe you should vote for him because I will appoint active judges who look to the future for inspiration.”

“We need people who can adapt the laws to meet our current and future needs, not old men who are content to quote from old documents,” Obama said. “There will be times when the political processes are at a stalemate, when legislators or voters are unable to take action. We need judges who can break these logjams. We need men and women of vision and the strength of character to lead this nation to new legal paradigms. I will appoint such men and women.”

Queried for some examples of the type of person he is looking for as a prospective Supreme Court Justice, Obama mentioned Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and former senator John Edwards as “two people with outstanding credentials and the creativity we so sorely need on the bench.”

Democratic Convention to “Pilot Test” No Fried Foods Policy

In a move backers are calling a “pilot test,” the Democratic Party convention in Denver this August has banned fried foods from the premises.

“Republicans are telling the American people that our comprehensive healthcare plan is infeasible, that it will ‘break the bank,’” Howard Dean, Democratic National Committee Chairman, asserted. “That just shows the myopia of the right wing when it comes to caring for the health of the American people.”

“A lot of our nation’s health problems start with a poor diet,” Dean contended. “Fried foods are among the worst things people can eat. If we can put a stop to this, we can lower the nation’s health costs.”

Dean acknowledged that ordering Democratic conventioneers to abstain from fried foods was limited in scope. “Let’s call it a ‘taste’ of what’s to come,” Dean said. “With a Democratic president and solid majorities in both houses of congress we can broaden the scope of this measure and put Americans on the path to a healthier lifestyle. A better diet, less driving/more walking, regular aerobic workouts—these are the benefits we will bring to each and every American if we get the chance.”

In related news, a Japanese mobile phone company was forced to withdraw a TV commercial depicting a monkey as a political candidate calling for people to “change” their mobile phone carrier. “Dr. Howard Dean informed us that viewers might link the monkey with Senator Obama and his call for ‘change,’” said Isura Yakimoro, spokesman foe eMobile. “He explained that this is unacceptable because in America all monkey or ape references have been reserved for use when mentioning President Bush. Apparently, it is a matter of copyright infringement.”

McCain's Energy Policy Assailed by Obama

Democratic presidential contender Illinois Senator Barack Obama assailed Republican presidential candidate Arizona Senator John McCain's energy plans as "gimmicks."

“Senator McCain wants to fill your tank with gasoline,” Obama mocked. “I want to fill your heart with hope for a better, cleaner world.”

The Illinois senator claimed that high fuel prices “have given us a ‘window-of-opportunity’ to change the way we live. Senator McCain would us throw away this opportunity by taking actions that enable us to continue our addiction to the ways of the past—driving our cars wherever and whenever we want, cranking up the air conditioning in our homes, depending on electric appliances to do our work, staying up after sundown—this is the unnatural lifestyle we need to put behind us if we care about the fate of the planet.”

In related news, Cuba has reportedly made a deal with China to drill for oil off the coast of the Florida Keys—exposing American shores to the risk of environmental damage that the U.S. ban on off-shore drilling is meant to prevent. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) insisted this would not change her opposition to allowing U.S. firms to drill in this area. “We can’t be held responsible for what others do,” Pelosi said. “Even if there are oil spills from Chinese drilling, our hands will be clean. No one can blame us.”

Lawyer Says Law Will Force Him to “Destroy” Child Victims of Rape

Massachusetts State Representative James Fagan (D-Taunton) argues that “Jessica’s Law,” which prescribes a mandatory 20-year sentence for rape of a child under 12, would force him to verbally and psychologically destroy the victims in order to free his clients.

“As a defense attorney it is my obligation to use any legal means to help my client avoid a conviction,” Fagan explained. “The harsher the punishment for conviction, the more vicious I must be to try to ensure it doesn’t happen. If a 6-year-old is going to testify against my client, I’m going to rip her apart. I’m going to make sure that the rest of her life is ruined—that when she’s 8 years old she throws up. When she’s 12 years old, she won’t sleep. When she’s 19 years old she’ll have nightmares and never have a relationship with anybody.”  

Fagan rejected any personal responsibility for these detestable tactics. “It’s the prosecutors’ fault,” Fagan alleged. “I’ve warned them. They know what I’m prepared to do. It’s within their power to save these children’s lives. All they have to do is ‘play ball’ with me. If they go easy on my clients, I won’t have to go for the jugulars of these victims. It’s as simple as that.”

Some Europeans Fearful of Obama Presidency

Some European officials, speaking under conditions of anonymity, are expressing concerns that Senator Obama may become the next U.S. president.

“It’s not that we don’t like Obama on a personal level,” said one source. “He is a lot like us, but that is a cause for worry. We have always counted on America. America saved us from Hitler. America deterred the Red Army from marching into Western Europe. America was there to ward off the bullies who picked on us.”

“Maybe having a gauche ‘cowboy America’ to rely on is a crutch we don’t really want to part with,” said a second source. “I mean, Senator Obama is suave, erudite and nuanced—we love that about him—but is he going to stand up for us when push comes to shove? The ‘audacity of hope’ is a fine phrase, but it doesn’t give us much confidence that he will be there when we need help.”