In what the media are hailing as “a breath of fresh air that adds a large dollop of class to the campaign,” presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) disassociated himself from supporter General Wesley Clark’s contention that Republican rival Senator John McCain’s military record should count against him.

“The truth behind General Clark’s remarks is beyond question,” Obama said. “While fighting in Vietnam, McCain did bomb innocent women and children, lose his plane and get captured by the enemy. Not a sterling record, to be sure. But these mistakes occurred long long ago, when McCain was a young man. They should not be held to disqualify him now. He’s older, and I hope wiser than he was then.”

Obama went on to urge that we “wipe the slate clean as far as Senator McCain’s military service goes. It’s been more than 40 years since he’s murdered anyone. I say let’s forgive and forget. As far as I’m concerned, we’re both equally qualified to be this nation’s commander-in-chief.”

Iran Looking Forward to New U.S. President Reestablishing Embassy

Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki says his government is hoping that a President Obama will reestablish a U.S. diplomatic presence in his country.

“The absence of a U.S. Embassy reduces the ability of our government to effectively communicate with the U.S. government,” Mottaki asserted. “The present arrangement is no substitute for the face-to-face interaction we enjoyed when Jimmy Carter was the U.S. president.”

The United States has not had a formal diplomatic presence in Iran since the embassy was overrun by Iranian “students” and the staff taken hostage in 1979. Since that time, the Swiss Embassy has represented U.S. interests in Tehran.

Mottaki characterized the U.S. severing of diplomatic relations in 1979 as an “over reaction to an attempt by exuberant youths to experiment with unconventional methods of communication between our two peoples. None of these so-called hostages were harmed. All were released unconditionally in 1981. It’s time we called a truce.”

“We are hoping that Senator Obama will be more understanding of our point of view,” Mottaki offered. “His father was Muslim. Maybe that will give him a better perspective on how we think and feel.”

Senator Calls for Halt to Automobile Travel as Oil Conservation Measure

Senator John Warner (R-Virginia) suggested that Congress consider banning unnecessary automobile travel in order to help save gasoline.

“In 1974, when we faced oil prices of $12 per barrel, Congress set a national 55 mph speed limit,” Warner remembered. “Studies showed that this saved 167,000 barrels of oil per day and reduced highway fatalities by an estimated 4,000 per year. Now, with oil prices more than ten-times higher we need more drastic action.”

Under Warner’s proposal all non-essential automobile travel would be banned. A “Bureau of Travel Permits” would be established within the Department of Transportation and charged with determining what travel would qualify as “essential.”

Preliminary discussions have indicated that travel by government officials would easily qualify as essential. Most trips by private citizens are expected to be accomplished via public transit. Carpools of five or more may be granted temporary permits subject to periodic audits of the participating members.

“Considering that about 90% of the travel is likely non-essential—I mean, only a small fraction of the population has truly important reasons for going by car—we could save 18 million barrels of oil daily,” Warner calculated. “We’d also reduce highway fatalities by around 35,000 a year. Our air would be cleaner. And we’d save billions by cutting back on roadway construction.”

Warner apologized for “not getting this brilliant idea sooner,” but expressed gratitude “for the high prices that have enabled me to finally see the light.”

Muslims Demand End to Bomb-Sniffing Dogs

Sniffer dogs trained to spot terrorists at railway stations have been blocked from coming into contact with Muslim passengers “in order to be sensitive to Islamic religious beliefs,” according to a report for the United Kingdom’s Transport Department. Under the Islamic faith, dogs are deemed to be “unclean.”

It is acknowledged that banning the dogs would severely restrict the effectiveness of efforts to prevent a repeat of the July 2005 bus and railway bombings that killed over 50 people.

“We realize that the knee-jerk reaction is that security must take priority over religious dogma,” said Duncan Dimsdale, spokesman for the Transport Department. “But it was pointed out to us that an offense to one Muslim is an offense to the entire faith. There are over a billion Muslims. Avoiding an offense to so many may warrant the increased risk to the much fewer who use public transport.”

Dimsdale played down “irrational fears” by pointing out that “bombings are rare compared to the daily humiliations inflicted on Muslims by these dogs. It’s the price we may have to pay if we are to accommodate a multicultural society.”

In related news, two public school students were given detention after refusing to kneel and “pray to Allah” as part of a religious education lesson. Constance Coward, principal of Alsager High School, where the incident took place, defended the action. “It is our job to prepare students for the future,” Coward explained. “It is not inconceivable that such prayers would be legally required at some point. The penalty for refusal then would be far harsher than detention. By instilling habits of obedience now we may well be saving these boys’ lives later.”

Obama Adopts “Bold New Approach” to Iraq War

In what the media are hailing as “an incredibly nuanced take on a very sticky problem,” Democratic presidential hopeful, Senator Obama announced a “bold new approach” for dealing with the war in Iraq.

Under Obama’s plan, he will “confer with the commanders-on-the-ground in Iraq to ensure a militarily sound strategy is followed.” At the same time, “performance benchmarks that the Iraqi government will be required to meet will be monitored.”

Erstwhile supporters of the Illinois senator expressed outrage at what they are calling a “sell-out.”

“Conferring with the Army brass and monitoring benchmarks are the Bush policies for this war,” complained Danner Kline, a self-identified staunch supporter of Obama. “Obama’s practically denouncing and rejecting every progressive voice in the country.”

Kline says that while he is disappointed in Obama’s turnabout, he will still vote for him “in the hope that he is just lying in order to get elected.”

Zimbabwe’s Dictator Avoids Sanctions from Peers

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe fresh from his rigged election victory, fended off a possible move by the two-day summit of the 53-nation African Union to sanction him for murdering supporters of his opponent.

In juxtaposition to the worldwide criticism he has faced, Mugabe’s argument that he was “no worse than many others in this room” hit the mark. The attendees of the meeting declined to issue any public rebuke of their colleague.

Instead, his fellow leaders urged Mugabe to form a unity government with Zimbabwe's opposition. Mugabe endorsed this recommendation with enthusiasm, saying that it is fully compatible with the “unity or death” option he has always offered his opponents.

UN Suggests Hostage Crisis May Have Been Improperly Handled

The United Nations is reported to be considering ordering the return of the 60 recently freed hostages of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC) to their captors because “their release was obtained through deceptive and dishonest means.”

“The Colombian government agents misrepresented who they were and failed to carry out the agreed upon exchange,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

To carry out the rescue mission, Colombian security forces infiltrated FARC, posing as members who were ordered to transport the hostages as part of a trade for the release of imprisoned rebels.

“If we let this go we run the risk of abetting lies as the basis for international relations,” warned Ban. “Do we really want to go down this path?”