The BAM Racing team that offered Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign a potential sponsorship deal in the Sprint Cup series disclosed that the Illinois senator declined the opportunity. BAM team spokesman Rhett Vandiver said that Bill Burton, an Obama campaign spokesman told him there would be no sponsorship.

“The Obama campaign will not be sponsoring a car in the Sprint Cup series,” said Burton. “Sponsorship would be interpreted as an endorsement of this mindless sport and its fans.”

Burton called NASCAR a “significant source of air pollution” and labeled its fans “mostly ignorant rednecks who probably tote guns everywhere they go.”

“We will continue to look for ways to reach out to voters we feel will be more receptive to Senator Obama’s message of change,” Burton concluded.

In related news, Robert Redford, perhaps best known for his role as the happy-go-lucky bank robber and murderer in the film “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” issued a tearful plea for voters to elect Obama president. “If the American people care about me, about how I feel, about what will make me happy, they’ll ‘pull-the-lever’ for Obama this November,” Redford begged. “I think Obama is not tall on experience, but I believe he really cares about people like me. That’s the kind of leader our country needs right now.”

Obama Rejects Idea of Joint Appearance with McCain at Military Base

Presidential candidate Senator Obama (D-Ill.), spurned an invitation from a coalition representing armed services personnel, veterans and their families to participate in a nationally televised town-hall-style meeting with the presidential candidates near Fort Hood, Texas, the largest active-duty military base in the country.

Obama campaign spokesman, Ron Ehwey, characterized the planned event as “an attempted ambush by ‘hostile forces.’” “We’re leading in the polls,” Ehwey boasted. “There’s no need for our man to take this kind of risk.”

Ehwey rebuffed allegations of “cowardice,” saying that “the American people need a leader who understands which risks are worth taking, not some ‘jarhead’ who foolishly takes on all comers.”

Obama’s presidential rival, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.), has agreed to attend the meeting.

Pelosi Says Drilling for More Oil “Not the Answer”

House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said calls by Republicans to drill for more oil “is not the answer America needs.”

“Making gasoline more affordable would be the exact opposite of what we need to do,” Pelosi asserted. “We need to wean the country off of its dependence on fossil fuels. We can only do this if we discourage Americans’ love affair with their cars and put an end to the frenzy of excessive and senseless driving.”

In support of her contention that Americans’ driving habits are “excessive” and “senseless,” the Speaker pointed to a recent study showing that rising fuel costs were linked to declining highway fatalities. The study by two university professors looked at fatalities and fuel prices over the 1985-2006 timeframe and concluded that fatalities dropped by two percent for every ten percent increase in gasoline prices.

“The fact that the peak gasoline price in 2006 was $2.50 a gallon tells me that at today’s $4 a gallon we’re saving even more lives,” Pelosi conjectured. “Rather than undermine this salubrious trend by attempting to reverse the rising costs of fuel we should be celebrating our good fortune.”

California Governor Opposes Off-Shore Drilling

California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) called drilling for more oil “too simple a solution.” “If we make fuel cheaper again, people won’t have to give up their bad habits,” Schwarzenegger claimed. “Besides, many important people own beach-front property in California. Even the slightest threat to the value of these properties would be intolerable. This is especially so if the reason is to postpone a much needed change in the way ordinary people live and travel.”

The Governor proposed, instead, that California voters approve a $10 billion bond as a “down payment” on a $40 billion plan to construct high-speed passenger rail. “They have these trains and such things in Europe,” he said. “Travel there is much more orderly and moderate. There is much less ‘wanderlust’ than there is here. Attitudes are more civilized. We have a lot to learn from them.”

Jesse Jackson Explains Castration Remark

The Reverend Jesse Jackson said his offer to cut Senator Obama’s nuts off “should not be construed as, in any way, hostile to the Illinois senator’s drive to become the country’s first African-American president.”

“Senator Obama is already in solid with the Black community,” Jackson pointed out. “He will get 90 percent or more of the Black vote. His big problem will be winning over former Hillary supporters. I’m just suggesting that he’d have a better chance with this demographic as a castrati.”

Leslie Bianco, spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender (LGBT) Political Action Committee (PAC) said people shouldn’t jump to negative conclusions about Jackson’s remarks. “Many in our community have had this surgery and feel much better about themselves,” Bianco insisted. “I think it would make Senator Obama more sympathetic to our perspective and our needs.”

In related news, homosexual Obama supporter Bradley LaShawn Fowler has filed a lawsuit aimed at halting the publication and distribution of the Bible on the grounds that its depiction of homosexuality as a sin endangers his Constitutional rights and causes him emotional pain. “The Bible is unbalanced,” Fowler contended. “People who read it get only one side of the story. Many are brainwashed into looking down on us Sodomites. We’re treated like second-class citizens. This is very hurtful.” Fowler is also seeking $70 million in damages.

Ventura Rips Franken, Enters Minnesota Senate Race

Former professional wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse “The Body” Ventura has cast his hat into the ring as an Independent candidate for the Senate seat currently held by Republican Norm Coleman. Ventura said his candidacy was mainly inspired by a desire to “body slam that smirking, obnoxious twit—Al Franken—into political oblivion.”

Franken, the Democratic candidate for the seat, is perhaps best known for his years on the “Saturday Night Live” skit comedy show that has aired on NBC for over three decades.

“The ‘Al Franken Decade’ was over more than 20 years ago,” said Ventura, needling the comedian for one of his Saturday Night Live bits. “Hollywood already has enough influence on our government without us sending this carpet-bagging opportunist to represent Minnesota in the United States Senate.”

The “Al Franken Decade” was designated as a period in which every American was to ask himself or herself “what have I done for Al Franken.” Apparently, for now, the scope of that question is being narrowed down to what Minnesotans can do for Al Franken. Perhaps it will broaden again if a Senator Franken takes a seat in congress.

Bill Clinton Warns Nation of Danger of Electing a Former POW President

Former President Bill Clinton (D) warned voters against electing former prisoner-of-war Senator McCain president. “POWs are not like us,” Clinton observed. “They’ve been held captive in barbaric conditions, tortured and humiliated by this country’s enemies. How can they ever be objective enough to deal with our country’s enemies as president?”

Clinton argued that his evasion of military service saved him “from building up the prejudices against and hatreds for different cultures and political systems that could have compromised my ability to govern effectively. My judgment was untainted by any suffering and privation that could have biased my views. The same can’t be said for Senator McCain.”

Senator McCain called Clinton’s comments “a stunning revelation of the liberal mindset and as clear a distinction as we could want for what lies ahead if certain choices are made by voters in November.”

In related news, the Russian government threatened “dire consequences for the people of the Czech Republic” as a result of an agreement with the U.S. to establish a missile defense system in that country. “This move by the Czech government evinces a level of distrust that makes us want to strangle them in their sleep,” a statement from the Russian Foreign Ministry declared.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.