Obama characterized the move as a bid “to reach out to all of the 57 states and bring them the same message of hope and redemption that I have shared with the three dozen or so states within the continental United States.”

“This is definitely thinking ‘outside-the-box,’” gushed ABC News anchor Charles Gibson. “Lesser men may be content to be president of America. Senator Obama has a real chance to become king of the world.”

NBC anchor Brian Williams was similarly effusive. “We are on the brink of a new era for all mankind,” Williams said. “This is the earliest that a president-elect has ever started. It’s obvious that an Obama administration will ‘hit the ground running.’ I am so very fortunate to be allowed to document this historic occasion.”

“He called me ‘sweetie,’” CBS News anchor Katie Couric giddily boasted. “I get goose bumps remembering the moment it happened. I felt like I was Mary Magdelin.”

Polls in several European states show Obama has a substantial lead over presidential rival Senator John McCain (R-Ariz). Seventy percent of Italians, 67 percent of Germans, and 65 percent of the French say they will vote for Obama.

In related news, Obama predicted that his pledge to free the world of nuclear weapons would break the impasse with Iran over its uranium enrichment program. “Once Iran sees that America is giving up its nuclear weapons they will have no need to develop their own,” Obama contended. “Then we can sit down and discuss their other grievances without these weapons of mass destruction casting a pall over the negotiations.”

Mexico to Make Senator Kennedy Citizen

The Mexican government announced that it will honor U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy by granting him citizenship in what President Felipe Calderón called “the emerging ‘Greater Mexico.’”

“Señor Kennedy’s staunch defense of the rights of so-called illegal immigrants has been a cornerstone of the effort to unite the Norte Americano continent into one political entity,” Calderón proclaimed. “As a ‘founding father’ of ‘Greater Mexico,’ he deserves to be awarded citizenship.”

Calderón contrasted what he contended was Mexico’s “spirit of generosity” in awarding Kennedy citizenship with U.S. plans to build a barrier on the border. “Thanks to the work of Señor Kennedy, the pettiness of those who would attempt to prevent Mexico’s right to reclaim the land stolen from us will prove futile in the end,” he predicted.

Mexico also plans to present Kennedy with the Sangriento Azteca award for “cutting the heart out of the opposition to the aspirations for the free movement of Latinos throughout our common land.”

Gore Says Climate Crisis Worse Than Terrorism

Former Vice President Al Gore (D) offered the opinion that global warming, not terrorism, is the biggest threat to America. The former VP said that it is imperative that the nation go “green” before it is too late.

“Terrorists may kill thousands,” Gore said. “Warming will kill billions and destroy civilization. If the government doesn’t take immediate action, the survival of the United States as we know it is at risk.”

Step one of Gore’s proposed plan of action calls for the federal government to establish a “carbon-offsets” reserve. The reserve, modeled on the “Strategic Petroleum Reserve,” would have the government purchase carbon-offset certificates from Generation Investment Management, a London-based company with offices in Washington, D.C., and store them in underground vaults for later use.

The former VP dismissed critics’ complaints that the plan is “self-serving” (Gore is the chairman of Generation Investment Management). “This is no time for finger pointing or arguing about the cost,” Gore insisted. “The American people must make sacrifices if I am to save the nation and the planet.”

Senator Obama praised Gore’s “vision,” promising to name him “Environmental Czar” and incorporate his proposal into a comprehensive energy/environmental plan once he is elected president.

Democrats Have Plan for Gasoline and Mortgage Crises

In a bid to “kill two birds with one stone,” Democrats in congress have introduced the Transportation and Housing Options for Gas Price Relief Act of 2008. This bill calls for the federal government to issue every American a “good pair of walking shoes” and mandates that “large appliance boxes be set aside as temporary housing for those who lose their homes due to mortgage defaults.”  

“The beauty of this plan is that the housing will be portable,” said an enthusiastic Representative Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore). “People will be able to live closer to jobs they can walk to. We will simultaneously strike a blow at both suburban sprawl and obesity. I’m confident we’ll look back on these days as a blessing because we were motivated to make changes we all know we have to make, but lacked the will to make without the pressure of high gas prices and mortgage foreclosures.”

Spate of Recent Polls Hint at Widespread Mental Illness

A number of polls in diverse locations indicate that mental illness may be far more pervasive than most experts have thought.

A poll conducted by Time magazine and the Rockefeller Foundation claims to have found that 88 percent of people support bigger government. “People are scared,” said Time magazine Managing Editor Richard Stengel. “Personal responsibility is too big of a burden for the average guy. He needs the comfort of a ‘big brother’ who’ll be there to tuck him in at night, so to speak.”

“It’s the government’s job to take care of the people,” declared poll respondent, Melissa Pewler. “I shouldn’t have to worry that my needs won’t be met.”

In California, a poll revealed that a majority of voters oppose Proposition 8—a constitutional amendment that bans same-sex "marriage." This is a substantial shift in public opinion. In 2000, voters approved a statutory ban on same-sex "marriage" by a 61 to 39 percent ratio. That statutory ban was recently overturned by the California Supreme Court.

“I get a sense that this state is ready to break new ground in social relationships,” observed pollster Angus Rimmer, who attributed the shift to “an educational process spearheaded by Hollywood filmmakers. Thanks to them the gay lifestyle is seen as liberating and adventuresome. This and the increased frequency of group-sex beach parties are promising signs of a sea-change in people’s attitudes. Prop 8 is ‘toast.’”

In Russia, a survey discovered that Stalin is the most revered figure in that nation’s history. “He gave us tough love,” said survey respondent Ivan Dumslov. “He may have made a few mistakes, but there was discipline and order. The people were poor, but they were also equal—not like now where an ambitious neighbor can start a business and pull himself up above everyone else.”

Stalin’s “few mistakes” are estimated to have sent over 25 million of his countrymen to concentration camps and a similar number to their execution. But, as Stalin himself would’ve said, these are just statistics.

Planned Parenthood Slams McCain’s Stand on Health Insurance

Planned Parenthood Association’s (PPA) political action committee released a new TV ad slamming presidential candidate Senator McCain for his opposition to abortion and his “indifference” to insurers covering erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra.

The charge of “indifference” was leveled after McCain admitted a lack of expertise on the topic. “I don’t know enough about it to give you an informed answer,” McCain replied when asked whether it was fair for insurers to pay for Viagra. “I guess that would be something for the insurers and their customers to work out on their own.”

“The indifference, the ignorance, it’s astounding,” exclaimed PPA’s Etta Young. “In essence he’s saying that it is okay for Viagra-stoked geezers to impregnate young women, but not for the women to get abortions. As he sees it, the decision on what insurance should cover is a matter for negotiation between the parties involved. Is this the kind of man we want to be our next president?”