Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) chided those who say he has no significant legislative accomplishments by pointing out that his Global Poverty Act (Senate Bill 2433) has already been passed by the House of Representatives and is now in the U.S. Senate.

“This bill exemplifies the message of change I bring to the world,” Obama said. “It commits this country to an unconditional worldwide war on poverty.”

If enacted, the legislation would commit the United States to spend over $800 billion to alleviate worldwide poverty. This amounts to more than $7,000 for every taxpayer in America. The funds would be transferred to the United Nations. The UN would determine which foreign governments would receive the funds.

“With billions of people living on just dollars a day around the world, global poverty remains one of the greatest challenges and tragedies the international community faces,” Obama said. “Americans have more than they need. It is their moral obligation to share their abundance with the less fortunate.”

The Senator derided the idea that markets, trade, and hard work are the path to economic prosperity—calling this approach a reliance upon the “engine of capitalistic greed.” “We must replace out-dated notions of self-reliance and individualism with a new social compact that recognizes the collective obligation the able have to carry the needy,” Obama said. “America is able. The Third World nations are needy. Our duty is clear.”

Condemned Murderer Endorses Obama

Mississippi death row inmate Dale Leo Bishop’s final words before being executed included an endorsement of presidential contender Senator Obama.  

“Senator Obama offers hope for people like me,” Bishop asserted. “I have feelings, dreams, and aspirations. I don’t want to die.”

Bishop acknowledged that the election of Obama would come too late to save him, but still urged voters “to consider what kind of a world they want for their children. Do we really want a justice system focused on ‘an-eye-for-an-eye?’ Or do we want to ‘forgive-and-forget?’ Think about that when you cast your ballots next November.”

Senator Obama averred that “there is wisdom in what Mr. Bishop said” and vowed to “change our thinking about what constitutes justice.”

“Mr. Bishop is just one of a multitude of victims of an oppressive economic system that forces people into ‘wage slavery,’” Obama contended. “When I am president I will initiate programs to fill the ‘love gap’ that exists for so many of these unfortunates. They can know that they will be nurtured and provided for by an Obama Administration. They will have no need to commit crimes. This is my promise to the American people.”

Bishop was executed at the Mississippi State Penitentiary on July 23 for his role in beating Marcus James Gentry to death with a hammer in 1998.

Oregon City Ordinance to Ban Criminals from Downtown

Distressed at criminals’ preferences for committing their offenses in the downtown sector of the city, Eugene, Oregon city officials are poised to enact an ordinance aimed at excluding these felons from of the downtown area for up to one year.

Under the proposed law, persons charged with a crime such as robbery or assault would be barred from entering downtown Eugene for 90 days. Convicted criminals will not be allowed downtown for one year.

The proposal is the brainchild of city council members Andrea Ortiz and Mike Clark. “The outer fringes of the community are not bearing their fair share of the burdens of crime,” Ortiz complained. “By this ordinance we’re sending a message to the criminals that they should take their business elsewhere.”

The idea has drawn mixed reactions. Eugene’s Chief of Police Robert Lehner supports the measure. “Our force is stretched pretty thin,” Lehner explained. “If this ordinance can shift some of the crime outside the city limits it will take off some of the pressure.”

Eugene resident, Lucius Sage, labeled the plan “idiotic.” “If a man is willing to risk prison to commit a robbery, I don’t think a rinky-dink ordinance is likely to persuade him to pass up the opportunity,” Sage said. “As an alternative, how about putting the bad guys in jail?”

The American Civil Liberties Union has come out against the ordinance. “It’s discriminatory and limits the career choices of the underprivileged members of society,” said ACLU spokesman, Bertram Petty.

Muslims Sue McDonalds

Two women are filing a discrimination lawsuit against a Michigan McDonald’s that they claim refused to hire them because they wear the hijab, a Muslim headscarf.

“These unbelievers insult our religion by insisting that we expose ourselves in order to get a job at their restaurant,” charged litigant Toi Whitfield of Detroit. “We will not submit to decadence.”

“Our virtue should not bar us from employment,” fellow litigant, Quiana Pugh of Dearborn added.

“We have a dress code at the restaurant,” explained Bud Bland, manager of the targeted McDonalds. “Everyone who works here wears a standard uniform—pants, shirt and hat. If you won’t wear it, you can’t work here. It’s not discriminatory. It’s just that simple.”

The suit is demanding $10 million in damages. “It’s not a question of restitution,” said Dawud Walid, head of the Council on American Islamic Relations in Michigan. “The issue is deterrence. By making an example of this one case we send a message to all employers that they must accommodate our beliefs or face bankruptcy.”

The suit also demands that the Dearborn McDonalds cease offering bacon as a burger add-on. “It is not halal,” Walid pointed out. “To serve it in a Muslim community mocks Islam.”

The Detroit-Dearborn area has the densest Muslim population in the United States.

Obama Complains “McCain Is Politicizing the War”

A statement by presidential contender Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) citing the contrast between himself and rival Senator Obama, drew cries of “foul” from the Obama camp.

McCain compared his support for the so-called surge strategy with Obama’s opposition. “Many observers said my position would end my hopes of becoming president,” McCain recalled. “I said I would rather lose a campaign than see America lose a war. Today, the effects of the new strategy are obvious. The surge has succeeded, and we are, at long last, finally winning this war.”

Obama characterized McCain’s support for the surge a “dangerous divergence from democratic principles.” “All the polls showed Americans opposed this war and this strategy,” Obama recounted. “Senator McCain bucked the odds and went out on a limb. He calls this leadership. But do we really want our country’s leaders to defy majority opinion?”

“Now that he’s got the victory he said he wanted, maybe it’s time for him to pay the price he agreed he would pay,” Obama continued and called for McCain to discontinue his campaign. “He said he would rather lose a campaign than see America lose a war. I’m calling on him to fulfill his part of the bargain.”

In related news, Obama pledged to create a domestic force “just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded” as the $500 billion a year Pentagon. “There are threats we face right here in America,” Obama observed. “Excessive eating, drinking, smoking, driving…you name it, all pose a greater danger to lives and health than the bugaboos my opponent would have us chase. The next president will need a strike force he can call on to confront these threats.”

Non-Resident Congressman Defends Role

Representative Robert Wexler (D-Fla.) denied that his lack of a residence in his congressional district should disqualify him from holding his seat in the U.S. House of Representatives.

“Where I live isn’t as important as whether I bring home the bacon for my district,” Wexler insisted. “No one can fault me on that. I get my share of earmarks for my constituents.”

According to the law, congressmen must reside in the district they represent. Wexler has been illegally using his mother-in-law’s address to conceal his failure to meet the residency requirement.