After declaring that resolving the issue of abortion “is above my pay grade,” presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) elaborated on the nuances of the topic.

“Should a moment of incautious sexual indulgence be penalized by a life sentence of responsibility for the welfare of an unwanted child?” Obama asked. “I think this is too harsh a punishment, especially when we have the medical means to rectify the situation.”

“There are also contractual considerations we ought not to ignore,” he continued. “A woman who goes in for an abortion has been promised that her pregnancy will be terminated. Just because the fetus doesn’t come out limp and dead doesn’t invalidate this contractual obligation. The so-called Born Alive Infant Protection Act would have interfered with this contractual obligation. As a matter of principle, I had to vote against it.”

“And as an elected official, shouldn’t I be representing the will of the voter?” Obama asked. “A woman seeking an abortion is most likely a voter or, at least, eligible to vote. Aren’t her interests superior to a protoplasmic entity that isn’t even legally a person under our laws?”

“Finally, I think we all realize that there are environmental impacts to weigh,” Obama said. “A larger population puts more stress on resources. For the sake of the planet, isn’t it prudent to err on the side of a lower population?”

Obama Downplays Sagging Poll Numbers

A recent Reuters/Zogby poll showing that Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) now leads Senator Obama in the race for the presidency failed to faze Obama.

“These are narrowly focused polls,” Obama pointed out. “They underestimate the global surge behind my message of hope and change.”

The Illinois Senator cited a recent iPhone poll showing he has a 37 point lead over his Republican rival as evidence that “the people of the planet Earth are responding to my message. I have support from every corner of the globe. My opponent’s backing comes almost exclusively from the 58 states that make up the continental United States.”

“Besides, verbal support isn’t the only thing I can count on from those who want me to be the leader of the free world,” Obama added. “Just last week, a fund-raising dinner in Nigeria netted over $200,000 for my campaign. When the poor and oppressed of the world are willing to make such a large sacrifice for a cause, how can I not be optimistic about my chances?”

Tickets to the Nigerian fund-raising event cost $2500 apiece—the equivalent of a year’s income for an average person in Nigeria.

European Union Looking at Sweeping Gay Rights Legislation

The Fundamental Rights Agency (FRA) of the European Union (EU) has called for new regulations that would equalize the legal status of married heterosexual couples with that of same-sex couples. It also recommends "promoting the visibility of homosexuality and other gender identities and criminalizing homophobia.”

“Prejudicial attitudes are stifling the gay lifestyle,” according to the authors of the 165 page FRA report. “Therefore, we recommend a two-pronged approach.”

The first “prong” is labeled the “carrot.” Under its provisions, funds will be advanced to entities promoting homosexuality. “It is especially important that children’s literature be rewritten to help establish the point that it is okay to be gay,” the report said. “For example, ‘Cinderella’ could become ‘Cinderfella’ and still live happily ever after with the Prince.”

The second “prong” is labeled the “stick.” Under its provisions, anyone expressing negativity toward homosexuality would face legal sanctions. “The law must strike a blow at prejudice wherever it rears its ugly head,” the report proclaimed. “Use of derogatory terms like ‘faggot’ or ‘queer’ would subject the offender to a substantial fine. A pattern of behavior evincing a uniform rejection of same-sex advances or a reluctance to become physically intimate with a person based solely on the grounds of sexual orientation, would lead to the offender being scheduled for sensitivity training.”

Not everyone is enamored of this proposed law. “If I understand it correctly, what this law would say is that if I refused to be buggered by some fruit I could be fined or sent to sensitivity training,” complained an anonymous blogger. “Sounds pretty cockeyed if you ask me.”

In related news, the Stonewall Democrats praised the most sweeping pro-LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered) national platform in Democratic Party history. “This platform promises to put an end to using genitalia to rigidly classify humans into opposing genders,” crowed Jon Hoadley, Executive Director of the Stonewall Democrats. "Each person will be free to define his or her sexuality and have the law to protect the choices made.”

Chicago Mayor Shrugs Off Obama Ties to Weatherman Bomber

Chicago’s hereditary mayor, Richard Daley II (D), shrugged off criticism of Senator Barack Obama’s association with 1960s radical William Ayers.

“Just because he set off some bombs doesn’t mean he’s a rotten person,” Daley contended. “Some of my best friends have whacked a few people in the course of business and they’re regular guys.”

Ayers was a founder of the “Weathermen,” a leftwing organization that carried out attacks on government institutions—including setting bombs at the Pentagon and Congress. In 2001, an unrepentant Ayers rued that he “hadn’t done more to end capitalist oppression.”

Obama launched his first campaign for the Illinois Senate with a fund-raiser held at Ayers’ home and describes his relationship with the man as “friendly.”

Candidate Proposes Combined Energy/Fitness Initiative

Saying we need to break the country’s addiction to fossil fuels, presidential candidate Senator Obama proposed that the nation “exploit it abundant human resources.” Rather than permit oil drilling in Alaska or offshore, Obama suggested that clean energy could be generated by “pedal-power.”

Obama boasted that his plan would “not only address the energy crisis, but would simultaneously fight obesity and unemployment.” “We see that a majority of Americans are overweight,” Obama observed. “Why not put these people to work in a way that will not only supply power, but help them slim down?”

Under the plan, the 5 million new jobs promised in one of the candidate’s TV ads would see Americans providing both stationary and mobile energy. The stationary bicycles and treadmills found in gyms around the country would be hooked into the power grid so that the physical effort expended is converted into electric power. Urban regions would receive grants from the federal government to establish fleets of bicycle rickshaws to serve as people-movers.

The Illinois senator called his plan “a sound investment in a cleaner, healthier, and more prosperous future.”

It is estimated that the power to be created by the plan will cost over $1,000 per kilowatt hour. The current average cost per kilowatt hour of electricity in America is about ten cents.

Syria and Russia Working on New Weapons Deal

Citing the “increased threat from a traditional enemy,” Syrian President Bashar Assad is beseeching Moscow for new weapons to defend his country. The “increased threat” supposedly comes from the recent Polish-US agreement to install anti-missile defenses in Poland.

With most observers having difficulty comprehending the connection, Assad explained his reasoning. “The threat to our country from Poland goes back six decades,” Assad asserted. “They had an opportunity to finish off their Jews. Instead, after the war, they allowed them to escape to Israel. Israel now poses a constant irritation to us. We are seeking Russian aid to help us eradicate this problem.”

Venezuela Seizes Cement Industry

Venezuelan strongman, Hugo Chavez announced that his government was expropriating cement manufacturers in his country “in order to ensure that the government has the means to provide the people with shoes.”