Senator Joe Biden (D-Del) declared his running mate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) the winner of Friday’s debate with rival presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-Ariz).

“I especially liked the part where Senator Obama pointed out how experienced I am,” Biden exclaimed. “You know, I was in Tblisi when the Russian tanks rolled into Georgia. It was a line-in-the-sand that they knew they dared not cross. Because of me, that country is free today. No other senator has had such an immediate and momentous impact on global politics. There’s no doubt that voters will appreciate how wisely Senator Obama has chosen whenever they think of me.”

Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton called McCain’s performance “unsteady and erratic.” “He calls himself a compromiser who can reach out to opponents to come to an agreement,” Burton said. “But all we kept hearing was ‘victory, victory, victory’ when it comes to the war in Iraq. There’s no flexibility in that. There’s no accommodation with diverse points of view. This is where Senator Obama’s message of ‘change’ can really resonate with the people of the world.”

Chris Matthews of MSNBC, on the other hand said he was “sorely disappointed” by Obama’s performance. “Where was the fire?” Matthews asked. “Not once did Senator Obama mention how old McCain is or how inexperienced Sarah Palin is compared to Senator Biden. It’s like he’s leaving all the ‘heavy lifting’ in this campaign to the media. We can do it, but why should we be the only ones getting our hands dirty?”

Senator Offers Poignant Plea on Behalf of Wall Street Bailout

Senate Majority Whip Richard Durbin (D-Ill.) said that “if we hadn’t gone into Iraq we’d have plenty of money available to rescue Wall Street.”

“While we were squandering billions chasing terrorists in the deserts of Iraq, the financiers of this country have gotten into a dire predicament,” Durbin complained. “Now, the elite of the investment banking community, the cream of Wall Street, are facing a horrific write-down of assets. Their stock options are in danger of becoming worthless. Their cry for help cannot be ignored.”

Durbin hinted at “potentially severe political fallout if the distress of these men is not immediately relieved.” “I can’t tell you how many of us in the senate are dependent upon these men for vital campaign assistance.” Durbin said. “Can the nation afford to risk so many experienced senators being unseated by naïve outsiders?”

Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn), Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee and largest recipient of campaign cash from members of the financial community echoed Durbin’s remarks and placed the blame on Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain (Ariz). “We had a deal until McCain showed up,” Dodd asserted. “He wants us to be ‘fair’ to the taxpayers. As our Party’s vice-presidential nominee so aptly put it, its time for the taxpayers to stop carping and step up to do their patriotic duty.”

Obama Campaign Warns Broadcasters

Obama campaign spokesman Damien Thorn warned broadcasters that they will be held accountable for any “lies” they air running up to the election and after, once the Obama Administration takes office on November 5.

The threat was sparked by a series of anti-Obama ads produced by the National Rifle Association. The ads warn voters that if Senator Obama’s past record is any guide, his election should be expected to lead to further abridgements of the Second Amendment’s right to bear arms.

While not challenging the historical accuracy of the ads, Thorn contended that “they misrepresent Senator Obama’s current positions on this issue.” “The Senator is saying that he supports an individual’s right to own a weapon, subject to commonsense regulations,” Thorn claimed. “An Obama Administration will extend the right to own a firearm to those individuals who can demonstrate sufficient need for such a right.”

“We would never, for example, deny the right of someone like Senator Joe Biden to his Beretta,” Thorn continued. “Senators are important people with many enemies. They have a right to protect themselves. The NRA’s contention that we would interfere with such a right is a lie that will bring consequences down on all who perpetuate it.”

The consequences, according to Thorn, would include loss of broadcast licenses, substantial fines, and even imprisonment for “willful or repeated violations.”

CBS Anchor Defends Lack of Palin “Honorific”

CBS News anchor Katie Couric defended her policy of refusing to include the term “Governor” when referring to Republican vice-presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin (Alaska).

“Alaska’s not even one of the 57 states, Senator Obama campaigned in,” Couric pointed out. “Obviously, it’s not a very important area. ‘Ms. Palin’ or, if you prefer, ‘Sarah,’ is lucky to get any attention at all. There is no need for us to take up precious air time enunciating a title that is of little consequence to voters.”

Couric derided GOP complaints as “bullying aimed at forcing the media to use a word that would lend undue credibility to a candidate bereft of the experience to take on the important job of vice-president.”

ACORN Admits to Vote-Fraud, Says “Isolated Incident”

The “Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now,” known by the acronym ACORN, acknowledged that one of its employees had been filing bogus voter registrations in Seminole County, Florida, but characterized it as “an isolated incident.”

“We’ve been doing this around the state and nation,” said Brian Kettenring, head organizer for ACORN in Florida. “No one else has been caught padding the rolls with false registrants. This one unfortunate episode shouldn’t taint the over all success of our program.”

The contention that this most recently revealed attempt to stuff the ballot box is “an isolated incident” was contradicted by testimony from James Terry, Chief Public Advocate, Consumers’ Rights League. “ACORN has a decade-long history of voter fraud, embezzlement, and misuses of taxpayer funds,” Terry said.

Chicago ACORN spokesman, Monty Banks, called the scrutiny being applied to his organization “racist.” “We aren’t doing anything different than the Democratic Party has been doing since before I was born,” Banks said. “To single us out is racism, pure and simple.”

ACORN has received nearly a million dollars from the Barack Obama Campaign in 2008. Senator Obama and mentor William Ayers also worked with ACORN during Obama’s years as a Community Organizer in Chicago.

Muslim Lobby Calls Film “Unbalanced”

The Council for American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) demanded that the Federal Election Commission (FEC) crack down on the distribution of the DVD film “Obsession: Radical Islam’s War against the West.”

CAIR alleges that “the film’s emphasis on the violent aspects of Islamic jihad conveys a none-too-subtle message of support for a strong response on the part of the United States government. In the present context of the presidential election, this can only be interpreted as an ‘in-kind’ donation to the candidacy of Senator John McCain and as such, is a violation of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance law.”

“The film is unbalanced in its presentation of our faith,” said CAIR representative Mulhed Ashat. “The focus on violent means does not give due credit to the worthy ends of faith, obedience, and chastity. Muslims pray five times a day. Wives obey their husbands. Nudity and homosexuality are suppressed. What other religion has accomplished as much?”

In related news, it turns out that jihad advocate Omar Bakri Mohammed, who has been living on welfare payments from British taxpayers, paid £4,000 for his daughter’s breast enlargement surgery. The fact that she has gone on to become a “pole dancer” in a strip club is now a major source of embarrassment. It seems papa thought she was going to have explosives implanted. “I was so proud of her impending martyrdom for Islam,” Mohammed declared. “Now it seems I will have to kill her myself to restore her honor.”

DNC Calls for Minting of Obama Presidential Coins

Though he hasn’t yet been elected president, the Democratic National Committee has called for the minting of coins with presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama’s image on them. Traditionally, no living person has ever appeared on U.S. money of any kind. The proposed break with precedent is being labeled “educational.”

“Many people in this country don’t know who is president,” DNC chairman Howard Dean said. “By having the president’s face and name on our coins we will have a daily instruction on who is ruling this nation.”