More charges of vote fraud were leveled at the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) this week. The latest “isolated incident” emerged from the state of Ohio where the Board of Elections uncovered what it characterized as “widespread voter fraud” where individuals were registered multiple times.

Earlier in the week, Nevada election officials discovered that ACORN had submitted bogus registrations, including names from the roster of the Dallas Cowboys football team. The week before, ACORN was caught submitting multiple registrations for the same persons in Missouri. In Indianapolis, more people are now registered to vote than live in the city. So far, 21 “isolated incidents” of voter fraud involving ACORN in the last year have been detected.

Presidential nominee, Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill), who worked with ACORN during his years as a Community Organizer, blamed the Bush Administration. “While we all hope for a clean election, the sorry fact is that the last eight years of wrongheaded policies by the Bush Administration have laid the foundations for failure in so many sectors of our society,” Obama asserted. “As a result, the pool of young workers ACORN has to draw from includes too many who are dishonest and illiterate. The voter registration mistakes we are seeing are further proof that the fundamental change I hope to bring to this country is sorely needed.”

ACORN’s chief Cleveland organizer, Kris Harsh, concurred with Senator Obama’s assessment. “It’s not only illiteracy, some of our workers aren’t good at math either,” Harsh said. “What other explanation could there be for registering the same person ten times? The problem is we don’t have enough funding to hire the most qualified people. We’re confident that this will change when Senator Obama is president. That’s why it is so important that we get as many Obama voters as we can to cast ballots.”

In related news, Obama downplayed the significance of a report that he was once a member of the “New Party”—an organization founded by Democratic Socialists of America to try to influence Chicago elections. “I only joined to score some sex and drugs,” Obama claimed. “I didn’t know anything about its socialist agenda.”

Obama Explains His Tax Plan

Elaborating on his theme that the Bush tax cuts and McCain’s proposed tax cuts are “welfare for the rich,” Democratic presidential nominee, Senator Barack Obama (Ill) sought to “reassure the working class that they have nothing to fear from an Obama Administration.”

“My tax policy targets those who expropriate the labor surplus value to satisfy their own personal greed,” Obama explained. “If you are a worker or own a small business where you work alongside your employees, you will not be denied a reasonable share of the nation’s income. Only those who take more than they justly need from society’s resources will be compelled to return that money to the government.”

The candidate said that “by cracking down on profiteers I will have the resources to send money to 95% of the adult residents of this country. So, the choice for voters on November 4^th is a simple one. Vote for Obama and get a check. Or vote for McCain and get nothing. It’s a ‘no brainer.’”

Media Dismisses Finding Exonerating Alaska Governor

An investigation into GOP vice-presidential nominee, Govern Sarah Palin’s firing of Commissioner of Public Safety, Walk Monegan, concluded that “Governor Palin’s firing of Commissioner Monegan was a proper and lawful exercise of her constitutional and statutory authority to hire and fire executive branch department heads.”

“This does nothing to diminish the seriousness of the charges,” said CBS News anchor, Katie Couric. “The allegation that she was acting within her constitutional authority is a technicality. The fact remains, a man lost his job due to Ms. Palin’s actions. This raises questions about her sensitivity and judgment.”

Jihad Courses Now Available Online

In a bid to reduce the impact of what it called “premature immartyrations,” the Hamas terrorist organization in Palestine is now offering jihad instruction online.

“When the jihad trainees are all working together in a classroom, one mistake can take out a dozen potential suicide bombers,” complained the school’s headmaster, Ihkil Uhal. “By keeping the trainees offsite we will limit damages. Only the errant student will be at risk. And our precious instructors will be spared.”

Online students are encouraged to use public access computers, preferably ones located inside Israel. An application for funding to purchase laptop computers has been submitted to the UN’s Anti-Zionist Committee.

Obama Dismisses “Bipartisanship” as Irrelevant

In what MSNBC’s Chris Matthews described as the coup de grace to the McCain campaign, Democratic presidential nominee, Senator Barack Obama (Ill), disparaged the GOP presidential nominee’s touting of his bipartisan credentials as “irrelevant.”

“I can see how a desperate John McCain feels he must advertise his record of crossing party lines to work with Democrats,” Obama said. “After all, if he were to be elected president he’d have to work with Democratic majorities in both houses of congress. That same handicap wouldn’t hamper an Obama Administration. With these Democratic majorities, I will be able to implement my agenda without fear that Republicans could obstruct the fundamental changes I will make to the way Americans live and work.”

According to the candidate’s wife, Michelle Obama, the fundamental changes will include a requirement for “everyone to shed their individualism, move out of their comfort zones, and toil for the betterment of humanity. Barack will never allow you to go back to your lives as usual, uninvolved and uninformed.”

Dem Operative Warns Voters

In remarks made on a CNN broadcast, Democratic Party strategist James Carville warned voters to “pull the lever for the Democrat if you know what’s good for you. If Senator Obama loses there’ll be blood in the streets. Under these circumstances, a vote for McCain would be the height of irresponsibility.”

Judge Orders Muslims Released

U.S. District Judge Ricardo Urbina ordered that 17 suspected Muslim terrorists be released from the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay and transported to the U.S.

“The government has not proven that these men are terrorists,” Urbina ruled. “They are to be freed. Inasmuch as they originally were captured while on their way to the United States, military authorities are hereby ordered to assist them in the completion of what the prisoners have called their ‘mission from God.’”

The judge said he had to include transportation to the U.S. because “no other country is willing to admit them.”

Following an appeal by the Bush Administration, a higher court has stayed the release order for the time being.

Sheriff’s Department Begins Process of Disarming Citizens

The Orange County (Calif) Sheriff’s Department has begun revoking concealed carry permits. Initially, 146 letters have been sent to permit holders notifying them that they may no longer carry their weapons with them.

Sheriff Sandra Hutchens outlined her new firearms policy stating that “my Department has determined that unless a person can convince me that his need for a weapon is warranted, permission for him to bear arms will be denied.”

Hutchens said she has given gun owners “fair warning,” but that some had refused her call to demonstrate sufficient need by “insisting that the Constitution guarantees their right to these weapons.” The Sheriff categorically rejected the suggestion by firearms instructor and activist Greg Block, that “If you are not a convicted felon, you should be able to get a concealed carry permit.”

“This isn’t the wild West,” Hutchens pointed out. “We can’t have every Tom, Dick and Harry running around with guns. We are the professionals. We will determine who really needs to be armed. It’ll be safer that way.”

Town Council Bars Barriers to Burglars

The Worcester (England) town council ordered Bill Malcolm to remove the barbed wire fence he had installed around his garden and shed. Malcolm had installed the three-foot barrier as a deterrent to thieves who had stolen $500 worth of produce and tools from his garden plot on three different occasions over the last few months.

The council condemned the wire barrier as a health and safety hazard and warned him they would use force to remove it if he did not “voluntarily” comply with their decree. “Thieves are people too,” explained Councilwoman Margaret Simpleton. “They have families to feed and certain rights for on-the-job health and safety standards. We cannot abide allowing these rights to be sacrificed solely for the benefit of Mr. Malcolm.”

 

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.